Cat Interview: Whoa, Whoa! What’s New Pussycat?

2 Dec

Cat Interview: Whoa, Whoa! What’s New Pussycat?

Whoa, Whoa! What’s New Pussycat?

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you

Yes I do.

 

Cat Interview Pussycat Humor

 

* EXCLUSIVE *  Interview with My Cat

 

LOWLY HUMAN:  So, Cleo baby, what’s up Pussycat? Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!

CLEO:  Geez, I hate that song.  Stop with the “P-word!” Calling your divine Goddess the “P-word” – slang for female genitalia for God’s sake – is so uncouth.

LOWLY HUMAN:  You’ve got a point. We don’t call the dog “Dickie” – even though his name is Richard.

CLEO:  The ancient Egyptians were right. I am a Godly entity. I must be worshipped.

LOWLY HUMAN:  We’re not in Cairo anymore. “YouTube Video Star” is the greatest height you can achieve now.

CLEO:  You should be dressing me in gold and serving me Beluga caviar on your Lenox china.

LOWLY HUMAN:  I thought you liked Purina on paper plates.

CLEO:   Surely you jest.

LOWLY HUMAN:  Seen any cool birds in the backyard lately from your window perch on the sofa hump?

CLEO:  You call that a great view for a Goddess?  I think I need Lasik surgery.

 

Cat Interview Egypt cat Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goddess

 

LOWLY HUMAN:  BTW Thanks for not biting the heads off of lizards and disemboweling mice, then gifting me your trophy roadkill.

CLEO:  Thanks for not letting me out of the house for ten years. I think I have Stockholm syndrome.

LOWLY HUMAN:  Blame the vet for that edict. Oh, fierce protector of the family, it’s dog-eat-cat out there.

CLEO:  Remember. I may be morbidly obese, but I can still jump on your head and scratch your brains out.

LOWLY HUMAN:  Ouch. A pooch would never express such a sentiment.

Cat Interview Humor Pussycat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DOGS

 

CLEO:  Dogs are a dime a dozen. Lucy, Lucky, Skippy, Max.

(coughing)

I’m going to gag if I hear another dog called “Lucy.”  (cough cough)   Makes me wanna hack a hairball.

LOWLY HUMAN: Don’t be cranky, fab feline. I have fresh catnip and your favorite stick toy with the rainbow tassel.

CLEO:  Catnip?  The fresh stuff this time?  MEOW!

LOWLY HUMAN:  And maybe Santa Claws will bring you some peacock feathers.

CLEO:  Peacock feathers?!  The ones with the weird eyes?  MEOW!

LOWLY HUMAN:  When you’re in the mood, come sit on my lap or on my open laptop.

CLEO:  I’ll consider it… Rub my neck first.  And scratch under my chin. And kiss my whiskers.

MEOW. MEOW. MEOW.

 

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you,

Yes I do!

 

 

Lyrics unlike Stephen Sondheim lyrics

Going On Vacation? A Message From Your Cat

7 Signs Your Cats and Dogs Are Gifted

Death: Condolence Greeting Cards for Real Life

1 Nov

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Death: Condolence Cards for Real Life

There is considerable loss and misfortune in our daily lives. Perhaps mundane, and yet so tragic.

 

“Everyday a little death.”

– A Little Night Music

 

For your Comfort

My condolences on your recent disastrous coach flights through Cleveland and Newark and the loss of your luggage. That eclectic wardrobe of yours is… irreplaceable.

 

 

Condolence Cards Real Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In deepest sympathy on the demise of your classic vintage Baroque sofa.

Who knew a cute little puppy 🐶 could chew through an antique armrest that has been in the family for centuries and is practically a historical landmark.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Humor

 

 

 

 

On the passing of your five year old Frigidaire.  “They don’t make them like they used to!” says everyone over 45 years old.  Perhaps this is a sign? God is tempting you to enjoy more processed foods and take-out meals.  Appliance demise is often a mixed blessing.

 

 

Sorry to hear your best friend flaked out on you again. Another dental emergency? Who wanted to go on that dopey luxury European cruise anyway? Mamma Mia! Mamma Mia Here We Go Again!

 

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Good Help is Hard to Find

Sending you comfort as you process the neglect and desertion inflicted upon you by your trusted handyman. Anyone who can do the house stuff for you is marriage material. Lots of luck on your search – you’ll need it.

 

 

The Glass is Half Full

 

In deepest sympathy on the loss of your marbles. Perhaps it is time to play with your food or your feet.
Thinking of you as we all lose our memories – day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute… WTF I forget the next one.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to Heal

Sorry you’re going through this fresh hell. Nobody deserves this agony.  Wishing your internet connection a speedy recovery.
Carol Burnett

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

1 Oct

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

Neighbors Nextdoor

 

NEIGHBOR is defined as

One who lives near or next to another

A fellow human

A fellow human! This covers every imaginable sort of person of interest under the sun.

Every stripe and strain from “Miss Congeniality” to “FBI’s Most Wanted”

Saints, sinners, helpers,

Freaks, fools and tools,

Lovers and haters.

AND they are all on the online Nextdoor platform – the popular social networking service for neighborhoods.

Nextdoor seems to have an attraction for the “Karens” and the trolls.

 

Neighbors Nextdoor

Love Thy Neighbor

 

[…]

Comedy Videos: I See Funny Women

3 Sep

Comedy Videos: I See Funny Women

Comedy Videos:  I See Funny Women

Laughter for Today, Tonight, Tomorrow… an antidote to the news.

Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo […]

Aging? You’re So Old You Probably Think This Joke Is About You

1 Aug

Aging? You’re So Old You Probably Think This Joke Is About You

Aging?

You don’t feel old, but do you act old?

 

jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re as old as you act.

 

If the Joke Fits – Laugh!

 

  • Do you really need a park bench to sit on when taking a shower?

[…]

Face Masks Unused: Fun Things to do With Them!

1 Jul

unused face masks fun

You may still be wearing a face mask or not, but you likely have a bunch of unused ones sitting around.

And by a bunch I mean hundreds.

Time to clear the Covid clutter!

Repurpose those annoying fashion accessories.

unused face masks fun

 

 

Unused Face Masks: Fun Things to do With Them!

 

  • A stylish bikini bottom
  • Eye patch – you’re never too old to play pirate
  • A yamake that won’t blow off, “Look bubbe, no bobby-pins”
  • Butt floss
  • Cat toy
  • Makes a soft slingshot for the meek – no rocks, tearless contact with a projectile
  • A covid memory quilt consisting of all my stylish pandemic masks – call me sentimental 🙂
  • Contemporary art mobile

unused face masks fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • A gag for boomer Uncle Harry and his idiotic political rants
  • Just in case, you’re planning to rob a bank… a generic mask with no identifying personal info is recommended.

FACE IT

Save your unused masks for Covid variants and, of course, the next pandemic 🙁

SMILE 🙂

To-Do: A List for the Listless

5 Jun

To-Do: A List for the Listless

JUNE To-Do List

Thank you Covid.

You have taught us patience.

A year of delayed gratification, postponements and chronic procrastination has created a to-do list longer than the pandemic itself.

The Short List

June Humor

BIG MANICURE

 

 

 

Footsie

An entire year without a pedicure.

The horror!

You know it and I know it.

It’s damn time for a serious exfoliating foot treatment. […]

Freedom: My Dream Job is a Remote Job

1 May

My Dream Job is A Remote Job

Yippee Yay!

Now that I’m working my forever dream job remotely from home…

I am free!  Free at last!

Riding the Freedom Choo-choo

While collecting a chunky paycheck

And maintaining my life work play goof off balance.

 

Dream Job remote Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now That I Work Remote I Can…

 

  • Breastfeed my toddler twins fifteen times a day – each!  Ouch. Ouch.

 

  • Reach Level 8500 of Candy Crush Saga.  And you thought Skittles and M & M’s were addicting?

 

  • Score a load of laundered moolah in bitcoin trades. Too late?

 

  • Be a crypto consultant, day trader and night owl. Never too late.

 

  • Learn to play the saxophone while pretending to be in boring business meetings. So cool 🙂

 

  • Cook gourmet lunches for friends and family. Yum Yum.

 

  • Take my diva cat for lengthy acupuncture treatments and manicures while “working.” Wink, Wink!

 

  • Meet the neighbors. Why not?

 

  • Nap whenever I want! Like right now.

 

  • Have sex all day. They don’t call it Zoom for nothing.

 

  • Save money on gas, wheels, personal grooming and a presentable wardrobe.  I may look homeless, but I’ll be rich.

 

  • Every day, I can ditch the heels, Spandex and bra and wear my comfy clothes. Highly conducive to napping.

 

  • Experiment with acid and magic mushrooms before my annual job review.  Helps to focus? On what?

 

  • Go on vacation somewhere, anywhere, anytime.  The real goal!

 

Dream On!

 

BarbBestHumorBlog

Available on Amazon

Work & Retirement: All You Really Need to Know

April Pain: Reason to Complain

2 Apr

April Pain

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is yours?

 

Pain reason complain

Pain is Relative

Nobody has no pain. Not even a sea sponge or a nitrous oxide enthusiast.

Constant stress from styrofoam cling-on… a 2?

A nagging concern about proper toe alignment… a 1?

Cardiac surgery… a 10!

Childbirth… an 11!

A paper cut from a past due snail mail bill… a 5?

Personally, I worry that it’s wicker bag season. I hate wicker. It cannot compete with calfskin, cotton canvas or nylon as an accessory… a 2?

I love a Ceasar salad, but croutons annoy. They lack character. They either try too hard or not enough… a 3?

Perspective

Pain is subjective, but so is pleasure and joy.

Covid-19 pandemic, lockdown hell, illness and death… 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 +

My arm hurts – not from the shot – but from logging onto numerous websites for days, weeks, months trying to nail an appointment for the vaccine… not even a 1.

Scientists seek ways to finally take real measure of pain…

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-01-scientists-ways-real-pain.html

 

JUST IN TIME!  APRIL IS NATIONAL HUMOR MONTH 🙂

 

I Feel Your Pain

National Humor Month

Survey This: Are Surveys A Pet Peeve of Yours?

1 Mar

Customer Service

And the survey says…

we hate surveys!

Survey Pet Peeve

 

Too many questions!

Too many urgent requests for mindless opinions.

Are we all so famished for feedback?

Lengthy surveys for every inconsequential product and service.

Screens of redundant questions on minute aspects of a minor service or product.

Who cares?

You had a 15-second interaction on a phone call with our service representative “Urina” regarding

a delivery of Acme Paper Clips and a survey is emailed, texted and dropped on your head by a drone four

minutes later.

Surveys Pet Peeve

 

 

 

 

Rate Your Experience 🙂

a) Did Urina solve your problem? Not your big problem (you seem to have so many), but your product issue with Acme Paper Clips.

b) Was she/he/? at least friendlier than most of your friends and family members?

c) In the call, did you suspect bad breath? Bad vibes? A mood disorder?

d) Did Urina explain – in simple terms that the average Golden Retriever can understand – the technology involved with your issue?

e) Would you recommend our company Acme Paper Clips to other clueless customers who feel lost when navigating the paperclip world?

f) Would you spend five minutes of your precious life to write a pithy 5 Star review for us on Instagram, Facebook, Yelp, Twitter and Dogpile?

Gee, thanks! This saves us a boatload of money on advertising fees and – guess what – no need to hire a marketing team.

And the survey says…

Resembling Tina Fey helps! Winning!