Sorry Not Sorry! Cockamamie Sex Confessions

30 Nov

Sorry is the hardest word.

Cockamamie Confessions

Guilty of “inappropriate sexual behavior?”

It’s time for a pricey crisis public relations consultant, a criminal defense lawyer (preferably female) and perhaps, a cushy stint in rehab.

I’m Sorry

“Remember that time I tackled you on the fire escape during the office holiday party, grabbed you by the hair, dragged you back into the burning building (those damn candle decorations), and raped you on top of the microwave in the break room?”

“I have a different recollection of that incident than you do.”

 

So Sorry

[…]

Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies & the Opera Carmen

15 Nov

Book

I loved Gretchen Rubin’s latest book The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too). I listened to the audiobook version – it is fascinating!

Expectations

The Four Tendencies provides a framework to identify in ourselves – and others – how we are inclined to respond to expectations. The tendencies are Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel.

La La La

Recently, I attended a production of Carmen with three friends – a Questioner, an Obliger, and an Upholder. Like most comedic saps, I am a Rebel. […]

Cell Messages I Missed Because My Signal Dropped Out

25 Oct

Cellphones and Signals

Reaching me via cell – the expectations are way too high!

8:15 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, (cough) (cough) will you give me a ring when you get a chance? Thank you.”

 

9:25 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, would you mind driving honey? I don’t feel like driving. (laughter) Would you mind? Um, I’m trying to see if 12:00 is a good time for us to leave. No, not leave here, I mean just to get there. Um, what’s the traffic? I wonder if you’ve been out yet? You haven’t been out yet, have you? Okay, give me a call when you get this. Thank you, dear. Bye.”

 

10:42 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, I’ve been trying to reach you. (strained laughter) Is your phone ringing or what? Um… I figure we should leave around twenty-five after ’cause it takes a little while to go through the park up there… if that’s okay with you (thru teeth) sweetheart.

Okay, I’ll talk to you when you get home.” CLICK.

[…]

Don’t Laugh! I’m In Clown Love: Puddles Pity Party

12 Oct

Puddles Pity Party

What’s not to love?

 

[…]

Giraffe Drinking Habits: A Tall Zoo Tale

28 Sep

Giraffe

Tall tale or tall tail?

It’s a zoo out there

For reasons unknown, I recently visited a zoo.

The highlight was visiting the Masai giraffes.

BarbBestZooGiraffeHumor

 

There was a family of three – Michael, Betty Lou, and Parker. Yup, they had names, but not name tags.

For an extra eight bucks, you could “Get up close and personal with the tallest residents of the Zoo! Hand feed Masai giraffes and have the experience of a lifetime.”

I was too late (and too cheap) to make feeding time,

BUT I discovered that the real show is not feeding the giraffes – it’s hanging with them after they dine. […]

My Cat has a Bucket List, Doesn’t Yours?

12 Sep

My cat has a bucket list.

As a matter of fact, he has nine.

 

Yes! My Cat Has a Bucket List

            You talkin’ to me?

 

He has (begrudgingly) granted me permission to share his first list with you.

 

  • Roll in the dirt with that sassy ginger tabby from across the street who struts by my sliding glass door several times a week.

[…]

News to Amuse – 7 Items that Won’t Stress You Out

26 Aug

Flash!

The news is stressing everyone out.

Anxiety, depression, and despair are consuming many, BUT –

Barb Best Humor: News To Amuse

Good News!

Not all of the headlines are apocalyptic. Some are merely strange and disturbing.

 

News To Amuse: Barb Best Humor

Here are 7 ITEMS you may have missed

 

 

[…]

Chocolate Krispy Kreme & Coffee: My Eclipse Party

17 Aug

As far as I’m concerned, it’s always time for chocolate and coffee.

Krispy Kreme

and a Total Solar Eclipse?

Sounds like an excuse to partay!

I’m ready. And I’m going to the dark side.

 

Krispy Kreme Chocolate Eclipse

“Dark” as in…

coffee and chocolate, of course.

[…]

Healthscare: Making a Money Mountain out of a Mole

4 Aug

Healthscare: Making A Money Mountain out of a Mole

Healthcare Fun

Let’s make a money mountain out of an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny mole!

Healthcare: Making A Money Mountain out of a Mole

“Holy Moly!”

 

News Flash

I notice a new? mole on my neck.

Being hyper vigilant (and vain) I hop online and compare my mole to images of other moles.

(BTW it is disturbing how many pics of moles are posted on the web. Way too much sharing!) […]

Dear Boss: 7 Reasons I’m Taking Friday and Monday Off

21 Jul

SUBJECT: Playing Hooky  Goofing Off  Planned Absences

TO:  Kyle Flicker

General Manager

Misery Productions

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Boss: Planned Absences

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Flicker,

I’d like to share with you a few bulls*!t excuses I’ve concocted for my impending absences from work.

  • My life coach insists I have a minimally invasive craniotomy done this Saturday. This is scheduled after my boozy, trans fat-laden brunch and before a round or two of miniature golf with the neighborhood children. Chances are I’ll be gaga on opioids for a few days. Trust me. You won’t want me anywhere near the company spreadsheets.

 

  • I’m celebrating “Cinnabon Day” and the Krispy Kreme “Buy a Dozen, Get a Dozen Free” promotion. This religious observance should take me several days to participate in and to recover from. If you’d like further documentation from my gastroenterologist or spiritual advisor, please let me know.

[…]

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