I Feel Your Pain – Technical Support

26 Jul

 

We hope that your session with Technical Support was helpful.

Here is the transcript you requested.

Krandeep:  Thank you for contacting Time Warner-Verizon-Sprint-Charter-Cox Cable. Give me a minute while I access your account.

Me: (grumble, grumble)

Krandeep: Thank you for waiting. Hello Ms. Best. How are you today?

Me: In a nutshell… fairly frustrated.

Krandeep: Great to know that.

Me: If I miss the RHONY finale this evening, I’ll never speak to Time Warner-Verizon-Sprint-Charter-Cox Cable again. I’ll have to steal – I mean stream – all my precious TV shows on the internet like the dead broke – I mean budget-minded – Millenials.

Krandeep: Okay, thank you for that information.

Me: This is the fifth time I’ve called this week.

Krandeep: Thank you for your loyalty to Time Warner-Verizon-Sprint-Charter-Cox Cable.

Me: Loyalty has nothing to do with it. Good thing you don’t control my cell phone.

Krandeep: (sinister laughter)

Me: I hate you, but I have an emergency here. The cable box doesn’t work. The signal is jumbled.

Krandeep: I understand you’re experiencing some issues with the cable card we installed last week.

Krandeep: I am going to send a refresh signal to your equipment.

Krandeep: First, you will have to power cycle the cable box.

Me: Power cycle?

Krandeep: Unplug and replug.

Krandeep: One moment please.

Krandeep: Thank you for waiting. Make sure the tuning adapter acquires network lock and is solidly illuminated.

Me: Uh… which is the tuning adapter?

Krandeep: The MTR700.

Me: ???

Krandeep: Please let me know when the process is finished.

Me: I pay Time Warner-Verizon-Sprint-Charter-Cox Cable over $200 a month so I don’t need to know what an MTR700 is… let alone be on intimate terms with one.

Krandeep: Thank you for waiting. I was on five other calls.

Krandeep: Is the yellow indicator light on your MTR700 blinking?

Me: What is my MTR700?

Krandeep: That is correct. The MTR700 is the tuning adapter.

Me: I see no blinking lights – except for the flashes on my eyeballs from my impending migraine.

Krandeep: Ms. Best. I am going to break down and send a technician to your house, in order to check what this issue is.

Krandeep: Let me check it, please.

Me: They could have been here by now. The Real Housewives of New York City waits for no one!

Krandeep: Thank you for waiting. The soonest appointment will be for next Friday between 3:00 p.m. and never.

Me: Never? Never?

Krandeep: I sorry. I meant nine o’clock. Believe it or not, English isn’t my first language.

Me: Never. Never sounds good.

 

I feel your pain! Let’s titter on Twitter… I’m @HaBarb   :-D

 

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Cartoonists You Will Love

19 Jul

 

The New Yorker

The New Yorker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I was weaned on The New Yorker Magazine cartoons.

 

Who doesn’t have a special place in their heart for Charles Schultz and Peanuts?

 

Do you love cartoons?

 

Do you miss the Sunday “funnies” you read as a child?

Peanuts

Peanuts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are terrific cartoonists to discover online. Here are two…

 

Tanya Masse is Comic Strip Mama. She does a live blog on Facebook.

Love Chicago-based Mark Anderson and his Andertoons.

 

Ziggy (comic strip)

Ziggy (comic strip) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

Are You Kidding Me? Author Stacey Gustafson

16 Jul

 

Writer Stacey Gustafson has a funny blog.

This fall, she will have a funny book out…

 

Gustafson_Cover_FRONT_72dpi

Hop into your minivan and get ready to cruise through the crazies of Suburbia!

Humorist Stacey Gustafson makes an entertaining tour guide in Are You Kidding Me?,

a brash, voyeuristic peek inside the topsy-turvy world of suburban motherhood, midlife madness, and all points in between.

If you’ve ever called SWAT on a neighbor, faked a heart attack in church, or pulled your hair out while questioning the sanity of your family, Stacey’s tongue-in-cheek brand of humor will resonate with you.

Enjoy the ride and don’t forget to fasten your seat belt. 

 

LOOK for Are You Kidding Me? soon on Amazon.

 

7 Signs Your Dog and Your Cat are Gifted!

12 Jul

Yippee! It’s a summer rerun :-D

Cats and dogs

have taken over the internet and social media. Their furry mugs are everywhere…  YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest. Today Wattpad – tomorrow the world.

There must be a reason for this. Maybe they are really smart?

Perhaps brighter than your average couch potato.

We humans are not always the sharpest swizzle sticks in the mini-bar drawer.

Skip I.Q. tests and tedious assessments. Cats and dogs can be identified as gifted by their families. Is your Monty or Muffy gifted?

Here are 7 Signs Your Cat or Dog is Gifted

  • Your pet reveals originality in expression.

“Look, my cat sent me a Valentine. He’s so clever.” [...]

Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog by Lisa Scottoline

5 Jul

 

Listening to and LOVING this audiobook!

ICYMI – Lisa Scottoline and daughter Francesca Serritella at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop:

Mindless Thought For The Day: LIFE IS…

28 Jun

 

Life Is just a bowl of organic, over-priced cherries.

BarbBest Cherries

Life is a day at the nude beach (and I forgot my sunscreen and umbrella hat).

Life is… a song, a serenade, my friend. And sometimes a cabaret, old chum.

 

BarbBestHumor

 

Life is a gift you can’t recycle (unless you believe in reincarnation).

Life is… a journey, an adventure, a crazy road trip for which you need to pack plenty of clean underwear and a lot of Advil.

Life is… merely a metaphor for something we have yet to fully understand (like Tofurky).

 

BarbBestBeachChess

Life is… a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.

- Sholom Aleichem

 

We should all have a mindless thought for the day, don’t ya think?

For more fun than a trip to the cemetery, LIKE ME on FB!

 

Sholom Aleichem, a Yiddish writer who portraye...

Sholom Aleichem, a Yiddish writer who portrayed life in the Pale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Boob Job: Feel The Pain

21 Jun

 

Had a boob job yesterday.

BarbBestHumor

Actually… it was a mammogram from hell*

This mammogram was a slammogram.

A grand slammo.

Ladies… you know the drill.

Your bountiful breasts are slammed onto a cold glass panel (oddly similar to a shelf in your refrigerator), then pressed mercilessly ’til your eyes water or your ears bleed (whichever comes first).

Then the technician runs to her safe place across the room and shouts, “Don’t breathe.”

(“Honey… no problem. I stopped breathing with the first cringing slam.”)

Women… feel our pain!

Forget ’bout water boarding. A grueling slammo on private parts will make grown men squeal like rats.

English: Woman undergoing a mammogram of the r...

English: Woman undergoing a mammogram of the right breast (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

*Disclaimer: Truly hellish is “Lumps, cysts, malignancies are suspected and/or found.”

* Don’t forget to schedule your annual mammogram.

* Do jokes need warning labels and legal disclaimers now?

 

 

Related articles

 

 

Pun for All? Sounds Fishy To Me

15 Jun

 

Do you like puns?

Do you enjoy punning?

Is it true that a pun is the lowest form of wit?

Is a pun fun?

I love the wordplay involved, and even if the pun is a painfully obvious one… I appreciate the intent and the effort.

It’s my observation that most boys/men tend to appreciate punning more than most girls/women, or say, your average cocker spaniel.

Why is this? Perhaps because the male species is accustomed to playing with… their food?  Their cars? Or whatever?

 

Barb Best Humor Blog

At The Reel Inn restaurant in Malibu, CA they celebrate the pun on their “Special of the Day” menu board out in front.

Fun Signs I have spotted:

“Catfish In The Rye”

“Grouper Therapy”

“Go ahead. Mako my day!”

“Weapons of Bass Destruction”

and

“Tuna Guitar.”

Here’s to more restaurants with a sense of play! Bon appetitter.

Home cocker spaniel

Home cocker spaniel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Join me on Twitter where anything – including all kinds of pun – goes! I’m @HaBarb

 

While You Were NOT Sleeping

8 Jun

 

“I’ll sleep when I die!” – Lady Gaga

I am proud to announce…

I have made a significant discovery which will advance science and help humankind.

TA DA! [...]

Vanity Car Plates 4 Word Lovers – Thy Name is Los Angeles

30 May

 

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
Tennessee Williams

You’re so vain…

You probably think this post is about you!  Don’t you?  Don’t you?  Don’t you?

You’d be wrong :-)

Vanity car license plates… I am obsessed with them.

Not surprisingly, in Los Angeles, vanity car plates are as common as DD breast implants and Botox.

One would expect a plethora of personalized plates in a community whose members are both incredibly vain and supremely creative.

Vanity car plates often share an entertaining spirit of play and fun. Often the words form a puzzle to solve – perfect for wordsmiths like me sitting in gridlock.  “GR8INBD” “STARGAZR” “1 LYNER” [...]

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