Snarky Tips from My Teen

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Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.


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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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HARO My Answer To A Stupid Vagina Question

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Inspired by Naomi Wolf‘s controversial book, “Vagina: A New Biography,”

this is a real question from Monday’s HARO (Help A Reporter Out):

“Do You Have a Healthy Relationship With Your Vagina?” (Frugivore)

My response:

Thank you for asking! This is a question dear to my heart, “in-ny” belly button, and G Spot.

Oh yes, my vagina and I enjoy many lovely times together. We walk on the beach, we contemplate beautiful sunsets, we share moonlit dinners on the Palazzo. My goodness, we even shower together on a regular basis (wink, wink).

We rarely have cross words, however once a month things can get a little touchy. You know what I mean.

But most of the time, my vagina has a terrific sense of humor.  Why when I’m down, she makes me laugh.  She lifts me up.

Geez, the most awe-inspiring time we had was when we gave birth together! Wow! Hard to top that.

Maybe my vagina will write a memoir some day.  She’s actually quite gifted.  The title can be: “Vaginas Just Wanna Have Fun.”

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

More stupid questions – and stupid answers at stupidasssquestions.com

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7 Signs Death Is Near

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“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Help! I’m A Data Hoarder

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Help! I’m A Data Hoarder.   

Some day, perhaps sooner than later, neighbors may find me buried in a morass of festering digital clutter – twitter droppings, zipper files, news video, old songs, new songs, You Tube footage of nursing puppies and stupid person pranks, piles of podcasts and miles of ezines, ebooks, PDFs, JPEGS, GIFS.

TLC’s fascinating show “Hoarding: Buried Alive” features folks suffering from various forms of compulsive-obsessive disorder, attachment disorder, addiction and/or dementia. These avid collectors seem unable to throw out anything – especially if it’s downright disgusting: old underwear, plastic snakes, used cardboard, moldy muffins, dead cats, apple cores, ex-spouses. You get the messy “Where’s Waldo?” picture.

However, with therapy and support and some serious begging from clinical psychologists, disgruntled relatives and a U-Haul Truck full of unbelievably patient professional organizers, the hoarders begin to clean up their acts.

For my part, I finally ditched my long serving desktop computer as it was becoming a data death camp. It is a tremendous step in clearing up my “over byte” problem!

Forget preservation. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Stop, drop and delete.

Is computer clutter a problem for you?

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

FOLLOW me on Twitter @HaBarb

 

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My Summer Bummers

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Fun in the sun isn’t always fun.  A day at the beach can be more misery than merriment. And now they tell us sunscreen gives us cancer? Ain’t that sweet 🙂

My 15 summer bummers… What are yours?

1.   Swimsuit wardrobe malfunction when faking bravado on the Boogie Board

2.   Sunburn on private parts

3.   Younger, slimmer, and obviously richer women donning floss bikinis, spray tans, and serious diamond earrings

4.   Being buried in bacteria filthy, crab infested, scalding sand for the amusement and photo opp pleasure of loved ones

5.   People who use “summer” as a verb, but not “budget” as a verb

6.   A plethora of hideous tattoos scribbled on every hairy limb like graffiti on a sunset

7.   Blowing up that darn beach ball, feeling dizzy, maybe it’s a stroke

8.   That skanky fish smell that blows off the stagnant bay

9.   Jellyfish who stalk just you

10. Kids who whine “I’m bored” because you’re not entertaining them 24-7

11.  Dutifully applying and reapplying sunscreen only to find out it causes skin cancer – classic example of “Damn if you do, damn if you don’t!”

12.  Joggers impervious to triple digit temperatures

13.  Gnats in my mojito

14.  Listening to perfectly nice folks mispronounce “mojito”

15.  Shark attacks, guaranteed to spoil the mood!

Sharing is caring. WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER BUMMERS?

 

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Pain: Everything You Need To Know

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Pain, of course, is relative.

 

barbbest.com

Ouch!

Pain – the noun

1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has a severe pain in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer at work all day.”

“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”

“For monthly pain, Ashley downs half a bottle of Scotch.”

2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and squirrel virus.”

“Waiting for hours in this line at the DMV is killing me. Oh, the pain. ARRRGH!”

“Will the Kardashians ever stop inflicting such pain upon the culture and just drop off the damn planet?”

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

3) An annoying or tedious, troublesome person or thing: “Kim’s a pain. Khloe’s a pain. Kourtney’s a pain. Kris IS a royal pain.”

4) Laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: “Great pains have been taken to cover the crimson, pulsing pimple on my nose.”

Pain – the verb

1) Cause mental or physical pain to: “It pains me to say this, but your butt looks humongous in those horizontal stripes.”

Pain – phrase

1) No pain, no gain“Suffering is necessary in order to achieve something such as losing that last 15 pounds, getting the kids to do their homework, and finishing this blog post on deadline.”

My favorite “pain.” Chocolat! Ah, oui.

pains au chocolat

pains au chocolat (Photo credit: LORO Languages Open Resources Online)

 

Great story about LUCILLE BALL and PAIN she suffered as a young adult:

*Lucille Ball: Comedienne and 

Rheumatoid Arthritis Sufferer

 Few People Realize That Lucille Ball Suffered With Rheumatoid Arthritis

By Carol Eustice, About.com Guide  (Updated October 18, 2011)

*The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter

Health Benefits of Laughter: Stress Relief, Immunity, and More

By , About.com Guide Updated January 10, 2011

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Copyright 2012, Barb Best

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Mom Advice for 20-Somethings

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In honor of Mother’s Day, here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents.

 

1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.

2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.

3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.

4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.

5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.

6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.

7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.

8. Brush.

9. Floss.

10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.”

11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.

12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it?  See #3.

13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)

14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.

15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.

16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.

17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!

18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.

19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.

20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.

21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.

22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.

23.  Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.

24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.

25. Don’t forget to call me on Mother’s Day 🙂

What advice do you have for 20-Somethings? Let us know!

GIRLS on HBO – Hilarious opening scene with 20-Something and her parents:

GREAT article – What Is It About 20-Somethings?

By ROBIN MARANTZ HENIG  August 18, 2010  The New York Times

 

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FUN MOVIE: “Alice Through the Looking Glass!”

 

LOOKING for a FUN movie?

LOOK no further than Disney’s “Alice Through the Looking Glass” – the sequel to the blockbuster film “Alice in Wonderland.”

The combo of live-action and animation, exciting visual effects, adventure, surreal set design, fun characters, and lighthearted wordplay creates an amusing entertainment that’s hard to resist.

Screenwriter Linda Woolverton (Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, Homeward Bound, Alice In Wonderland, Maleficent) crafted an intriguing tale (loosely based on Lewis Carroll’s book “Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There”) featuring a strong, independent Alice and your favorite witty characters from “Alice in Wonderland.”

You’ll love the clever humor, plus the puns and quips about “time.”

“Alice Through the Looking Glass!” is like a fun party we’re all invited to…

now, that’s my cup of tea 🙂 Continue reading

Expiration Dates on Food Labels Kill Me

 

Revised nutrition labels on food products are on their way. They will feature urgent sugar warnings 🙁

Okay, fine. BUT… there’s a larger problem with food labels…

Barb Best Humor Blog

 

The microscopic expiration dates stamped on food product labels and bottle caps!

WHO can read these?

Food Labels Expiration Dates

Can you read me? Can you read me now?

 

No matter how perfect your vision, it’s difficult to decipher the dates. Especially the year dates… the digits “15” “16” “17” “o5?” are smudged or blurred.

Often the dates are stamped on the glass jar itself. This is truly evil.

 

Food Labels Humor

Huh?

 

To attempt to make out this teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy print… one has to squint, strain, and pop a neck muscle. Forget reading glasses, a magnifying glass, or binoculars. These will be inadequate.

 

BarbBestHumor

Can you see me? Ha, Ha, Ha. Of course, you can’t.

 

Bottom line: It’s too easy to ingest the lite mayo that expired five months ago… and drop dead or worse.

This is Russian Roulette with condiments. Continue reading

Fun? Are You FUN? A QUIZ

 

Are you any FUN?

FUNBarbBestHumor

Or are you too busy? Do you forget to be playful?

Gee, quizzes are really fun, don’t ya think?

This one’s for you.

True or False?

  • I do not whistle while I work. I do not whistle while I play. Heck, not even when I shower.

 

  • I enjoy shopping for athletic socks, Q-Tips, and emergency kits. Whoopee!

 

  • My dog won’t play with me. Apparently the snooty cat is more fun.

 

  • Sadly, I do not own a set of marshmallow roasting forks, let alone use them on a regular basis.

 

  • The only party I’ll go to is a pity party. And, yes I’ll cry if I want to.

 

  • My idea of a vacation is four days at the hospital for elective gall bladder surgery.

Continue reading

Bellyache: Guess Who Came To Dinner

 

In a perfect world…

You would not celebrate your birthday at a trendy Euro-Asian restaurant touted for it’s delicious, yet healthy dishes and end up in the emergency room 9 hours later with food poisoning. You would not require an I.V.with anti nausea, anti diarrhea, anti pain meds to stop the total body torture.

 

Uninvited: Guess Who Came To Dinner

 

In a perfect world…

You would not cook that special recipe for the in-laws – Quinoa Masala Royale – using infected organic vegetables. Later that evening, our family members would not all coincidentally experience unbearable abdominal cramps normally associated with childbirth. After all, you are a lousy cook, but not that lousy.

In a perfect world…

Our food would make us well, not sick.

Continue reading