Women Gone Hog-Wild

16 Jul

Rumor has it this post is sponsored by Amberen

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Traditionally, much has been made of men and their competitive spirit via sports, business, politics, sex, and money. 

If men could menstruate, it would be a series on ESPN.  Gloria Steinem put it well many moons ago in her popular essay “If Men Could Menstruate.”

Of course, most women are as highly competitive in the same arenas as men – and then some.  

For instance, like Fashionistas flocking to a Ferragamo sale rack, women who focus fanatically on health, fitness, and anti-aging have their own niche areas of competitive engagement.  I know for a fact some have hired flab coaches for the Forever Young Olympics.

Move over, Venus and Serena Williams.

Melbourne Australian Open 2010 Venus and Seren...

Melbourne Australian Open 2010 Venus and Serena Chat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Baby Boomer preoccupation with eradicating all signs of aging is setting a prickly precedent for all of us.  Phooey on them!  Next thing you know, they’ll tell us that death is avoidable.  Don’t hold your breath.

When it comes to feelings and bodily functions, women often compete openly in a game of one-upsmanship. Their comments vacillate between empowerment and defeat:

#10 I gained 55 pounds after my last baby – and I adopted.

#9   I beat you.  I haven’t had a french fry since I was fifteen.

#8   I’ve been on a cleanse since my first-born.

#7   Forget my belly fat and ass sag, I spend 5 hours at the gym every day.

#6   I’ve done yoga since I was in the womb. I was born on a rubber mat during The Downward Dog.

#5   I have more wrinkles. Jeez, look at my neck. Like rings around a California Redwood.

#4   Not that I’m bragging, but my sex drive is better than Madonna’s in her dreams.

#3   You know that book, “Everybody Poops?”  Not true.  

#2   I’m more stressed than you.  Look – my hair is falling out.

#1   I’m more tired than you.  I haven’t slept a wink since I kicked Twinkies cold turkey.

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NOW with health APPS on your smart phone, you can track your sleep, food, and exercise every minute of the day.  YIPPEE!  You can compete with yourself 24-7.

So whether you’re in “The Amazing Race” on CBS or merely The Global Rat Race that is Life,  YOU GO, GIRL!

 

Don’t sweat it!  Amberen

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14 Responses to “Women Gone Hog-Wild”

  1. pk July 16, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    thanks for your comment Barb!

  2. Sheryl July 16, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    So many things I’d like to cross OFF my list!

  3. Sharon Greenthal July 16, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

    Hi-larious. Especially love #3!

    • Barb Best July 19, 2013 at 11:08 am #

      TY Sharon, you guys at GenFabulous are great!

  4. T-mick July 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

    Hahahahaha! So clever. I can definitely relate to #5 — my neck sadly looks worse than a California Redwood.

  5. Chris Dean July 17, 2013 at 3:10 am #

    YES! Especially about the whole pressure not to age. I’ve been feeling that in a big way lately and I’m only 42! I’m terrified that by the time I hit 50, a gang of street thuggish women with anti-aging make-up and do-it-yourself face lift kits are gonna attack me in my sleep for making everyone look bad by getting older.

    • Barb Best July 17, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

      Ha! Good luck with the pressure! Getting your sleep – half the battle 🙂

  6. Cathy Turney July 17, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    Love these,Barb! You rival David Letterman!!

    • Barb Best July 19, 2013 at 9:21 am #

      TY! Cathy, I’m enjoying your book, Dog Stories: Hilarious Tales of a Codependent Pet Owner!

      • Cathy Turney July 19, 2013 at 10:33 am #

        Oh THANK YOU, Barb!!! I hate to admit it, but it’s all true!! You are the best (no pun intended)!

  7. Lovelyn July 18, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    Attending yoga class every morning at sunrise has taught me to be above all of this competitiveness. I lost ten pounds doing yoga alone. I survive on green smoothies and sunlight.

    • Barb Best July 18, 2013 at 11:41 am #

      Power to you! You are my health hero, nebulousmooch

  8. Laura Hedgecock July 22, 2013 at 10:28 am #

    As I just got home from a women’s weekend, I found this particularly hilarious!

    Laura Hedgecock
    http://www.TreasureChestofMemories.com
    http://www.twitter.com/LauraLHedgecock

    • Barb Best July 25, 2013 at 9:33 am #

      Thanks, Laura! Women are funny.

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