Safety First: 7 Spring Break Safety Tips for Snowflakes

14 Apr

Spring is here.

Whoopee.

It has stopped snowing.

Whoopee.

The flowers are blossoming with a vengeance.

Boo Hoo

You are dog-tired. Your zing and zip have deflated like last year’s birthday balloon.

You are listless. You are as pale as a coconut jellybean.

Hallelujah!  Now you have a week off.  A break.

Whoopee.

The beach beckons you. Fun in the sun awaits you. Ill-advised shenanigans twerk your imagination.

But… there’s always a BIG BUT!

Spring Break (film)

Spring Break (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Safety comes first

SPRING BREAK SAFETY TIPS FOR YOU

  • Swim sober. Forget about waiting two hours after eating. Wait two days after drinking.

 

  • Dive sober and only in pools that contain water. A lot of water. And are deeper than your fantasy father’s pockets.

 

  • Flotation devices for your appendages are highly recommended when utilizing the hot tub and Jacuzzi. Also, an industrial disinfectant spray.

 

  • When burying a trusting friend in the sand, remember that he will still have to breathe. Best to leave at least one nostril above the sand. Also, check High Tide times before you leave him there and skip off to grab a bite to eat or catch a snooze back at the hotel.

 

  • Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen. Offer to apply it liberally on attractive strangers’ barely clothed bodies. Throw in a free foot massage. Perhaps they will reciprocate in a positive way. Wink. Wink.

 

  • Protection. (I don’t mean a Brink’s truck or an Uzi.)

 

  • Barbecue mindfully. Marshmallows have feelings, too.

For more totally awesome advice, check out my new book – on Amazon

The Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody for the Self-Absorbed (Paperback and eBook)

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