Mom Advice for 20-Somethings

8 May

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents.

 

1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.

2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.

3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.

4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.

5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.

6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.

7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.

8. Brush.

9. Floss.

10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.”

11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.

12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it?  See #3.

13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)

14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.

15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.

16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.

17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!

18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.

19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.

20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.

21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.

22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.

23.  Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.

24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.

25. Don’t forget to call me on Mother’s Day 🙂

What advice do you have for 20-Somethings? Let us know!

GIRLS on HBO – Hilarious opening scene with 20-Something and her parents:

GREAT article – What Is It About 20-Somethings?

By ROBIN MARANTZ HENIG  August 18, 2010  The New York Times

 

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Photo Snap

30 Apr

Cover of "Wishful Drinking"
Cover of Wishful Drinking

Say cheese! Snap, snap, snap!  Pictures from the road…

Barbbest.com

Hilarious!

 

Caught Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” show at the Victoria Theatre in Dayton, OH.  She’s touring the country, you’ll love it. Based on her book.

 

One World Trade Center

 

NYC. Shot this pic from a cemetery at a church east of Ground Zero. It is the new One World Trade Center, now taller than the Empire State Building.

 

The Statue of Advertising

 

Selling light bulbs. And not even those twisty, super expensive ones.

 

Yum!

 

Give me your tired, your poor, your licorice lovers. Thank you Twizzler, very cool.

 

 

I’m suggesting an alternate name for this restaurant – “Sick Real Quick”

Disclaimer: Just kidding, I actually ate at this restaurant, it’s great! It’s in a Manhattan neighborhood dubbed “Curry Hill.”

The famous Woolworth Building on lower Broadway. Stay out. Dogs and actors, too.

 

Homeless on Wall Street. Don’t you love irony? I know you do.

 

 

Facial napkins (aka Kleenex) made from counterfeit hundred dollar bills. Just what I need when my allergies are flaring. Hmm, the dollar is pretty low – maybe these are real bills?

Map it!

 

Who needs a subway map or an iPhone APP when you’re wearing these nifty flip-flops?

 

 

 

Charming and funny play “Love, Loss, and What I Wore” by Nora Ephron & Delia Ephron based on the charming book by (you guessed it!) the charming Ilene Beckerman.

 

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Promotional image

Promotional image (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Top 10 Funny Mom Flicks

21 Apr

Freaky Friday

Jamie Lee Curtis – she’s the mother, she’s the daughter, she’s the mother in the daughter’s body, she’s the daughter in the mother’s body?  Whatever!  Gosh, role reversal comedies are confusing!

She jams at The House of Blues with your garage band, tells your creepy English teacher to take a hike, hops on a Harley for a love ride with the dreamy boy you’re bonkers about and smooches him good – even if it is with her lips, not yours!

Mean Girls

Amy Poehler is alpha Plastic Regina George’s “cool mom” in Tina Fey’s screenplay.

What kind of mother flaunts her breast implants, talks trash with your gal friends and offers you an afternoon cocktail?

Hey, don’t judge – it keeps her feeling young!

Hairspray

As Edna Turnblad, John Travolta is so sweet he/she oozes Cool Whip from every plus-size pore.

Apparently it takes a man to play a woman who sews, irons and love’s her blimp size body just the way it is.

Not only is she fun to go bra shopping with, but (man) can she sing and dance like nobody’s business!


Serial Mom

Even though Beverly R. Sutphin is a homicidal maniac, she has some good points.

She recycles religiously.

She defends her screwy son at a parent teacher conference by running the poor teacher over in the school parking lot with the family station wagon.

Best of all, she makes hilarious obscene phone calls to uptight neighbor ladies.

                                                                                                       “Ouch! I tore something!”

Mamma Mia

In spite of those hideous overalls she sports, Donna has a great gig in a Greek paradise and gives a decent mani-pedi.

Sure, she “works all day, works all night” but somehow still finds time to party and perform with her fun gal pals in a retro singing group.

Isn’t my jacket a hoot?

This is My Life

Mom is so clever she wears a mean polka dot and does stand up comedy.

She’s usually off in L.A. working clubs and sleeping with her agent but she leaves you in a spacious Manhattan apartment with struggling comics (a stable bunch) as your babysitters. Bless her, she tells you to brush your teeth only when you feel like it.

 

Baby Mama

“Tina Fey is such a meanie.”

What other forty year old woman can wear pigtails and still look – dare I say – cute? Amy Poehler scores again.

                            I feel like singin’

The Brady Bunch – The Movie

What’s not to love about Shelly Long?

Her Carol Brady hairdo is the best thing since Woody Woodpecker’s carmine cowlick (eat your heart out Conan O’Brien.)

She’s so square, so sixties, so insipid – she’s sexy!

 

Got a sweet tooth?

Waitress

Pie anyone? Pregnant Keri Russell talks and writes to her baby and makes a dang tasty pie, a new one every day.

Pies with names like: Fallin’ In Love Chocolate Mousse Pie, Bad Baby Pie,

Kick In The Pants Pie, Marshmallow Mermaid Pie and Naughty Pumpkin Pie.

Juno

“Teenage pregnancy is no joke, but I’m like darn amusing.”

Last but not least, an odd choice you say!  Sure, Juno’s fifteen going on fifty-five, smokes a pipe, plays acoustic guitar poorly, chats on a hamburger phone and cracks wise and tacky like a smart ass comic – but you say that as if it’s a bad thing.

Why didn’t anybody tell her not to wear horizontal stripes when she’s eighty-five pounds pregnant?

At least she has enough horse sense to realize she doesn’t quite have the right stuff (yet) to be a mommy. Oh, well – there’s a really nice lady who needs a baby.

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Mirth Mother Erma Bombeck

13 Apr

THANK YOU ERMA!

We baby boomers share a common “Mirth Mother” in beloved humorist and best selling author Erma Bombeck.

We were weaned on Erma’s wise and witty columns via newspaper clippings that our mothers proudly posted on the refrigerator door (this served as a blog in ancient times.)

While many of our mothers were marginalized by stunted cultural expectations and a crying lack of opportunity, Erma broke through those prickly barriers of her day with brilliant humor and unforgettable humanity to provide Mom with a powerful voice and much needed comic relief.

Sweetly subversive and hot damn hilarious, Erma poked enormous fun at the absurdity of women’s lives yet clearly valued parenting, marriage, and the vital importance for us all to fulfill our potential.

Erma epitomized “The One Who Does It All” – successful career, happy family – not to mention fame and fortune – all while being incredibly funny and (genuinely) nice. No small feat, but a worthy goal!

Let us thank “Erma Bombeck, Mirth Mother“ for blessing us with the inspiration, the role model and the legacy of laughter.  (Now sit up straight and stop chewing with your mouth open!)

Barb Best

Barb Best

 

Barb Best, 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner

 

Erma Bombeck Museum

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

 

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Vintage TV Comedy

11 Apr

Oh, yeah. Dick Van Dyke. Mary Tyler Moore. Carl Reiner. Rose Marie. Morey A.
In the old days when TV was on a TV set, not your laptop.

Source: amazon.com via Barb on Pinterest

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National Humor Month

5 Apr

I love holidays. They have the power to distract from the humdrum that is perhaps  99.9999% of our lives.

Take a regular, run-of-the-mill day or month, proclaim it a holiday, and presto – it’s special. It instantly becomes blog fodder, a popular theme for school activities, a reason to party, and a barrel of marketing opportunities.

NationalHumorMonth

Photo Credit: The Carmel Institute of Humor

 

 

 

 

In case you missed it,

April is the 36th Anniversary

of National Humor Month.

 

 

 

 

 

“National Humor Month was founded in 1976 by best-selling humorist Larry Wilde, Director of The Carmel Institute of Humor. It is designed to heighten public awareness on how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality of one’s life.”

It is fitting that April, the clammy month that begins with a spirit of play on April Fool’s Day and includes the dreaded April 15th, Tax Day, celebrate comic relief.

Research studies claim the physical, psychological, and social benefits of humor are tremendous. But have you heard the latest – that humor is an aphrodisiac?

Zoosk “National Humor Month” Survey Finds Humor is An Aphrodisiac – MarketWatch.

“Is that a joke or are you just glad to see me?”

What is your favorite holiday?

 

 

 

 

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BarbBest.com

2 Apr

YAY!  Because of the POPULARITY of this blog,

YOU can now read it on my new, SEXIER, funnier barbbest.com!

JOIN EVERYBODY there  —>  —>  —>  barbbest.com

Just Click, Like, Subscribe & Join the Funny at  barbbest.com

THANKS!

BarbBestHumorBlog

Barb Best

See you there!    :)   NOW!

BarbBest

Barb Best

—->    —->    —->  www.barbbest.com

And follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

Hanging Out

29 Mar

What goes up…

Heard of inversion therapy for stress reduction and other health benefits?

Otherwise known as… standing on your head.

 

 

These boots are made for falling!

 

 

  • I was going to get a breast lift, but I decided it would be more fun to just stand on my head.  Hanging upside down is a great way to look years younger!

 

 

 

 

 

  • Thanks to gravity, I dropped 25 pounds in one week – my breasts fell from                     up < HERE > to down < HERE >

 

  • My body has dropped so much, I have calluses on my tits.

 

 

Times Square Ball (Photo credit: Atomische • Tom Giebel)

Times Square Ball

The most famous New Year’s Eve DROP is the 11,875 pound geodesic sphere

that descends the flagpole at One Times Square in Manhattan.  The Ball, 12

feet in diameter, has 2,688 crystal triangles bolted to 672 LED modules

which are attached to the aluminum frame of the Ball.

 

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 


 

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Pharmacy Funk

21 Mar

So Many Ticked off Weary Texters Feigning Satisfaction

PharmacyFun


Standing for over an hour in a ridiculously long line at the hospital pharmacy? (Thank God for smart phones.)

So what if you were just released from the ICU after a week’s stay that was life-saving but spirit-numbing? You may resume your normal activities. Go run that marathon, honey!

This is your first endurance test: Will you get that golden prescription filled in time for the highly critical first dose? Hmm, will you make it to the front of the line alive? Definitely kicking, but alive?

One might assume the pharmacist could do the math and put some more chairs out for the slew of sick and tired waiters. Or perhaps a chaise lounge for dying patients customers?  Maybe an I.V. of chicken soup?  A cookie?

One would assume incorrectly.  (Best to lower those silly expectations.)

PharmacyFun

Stop Making Those Wishful Thoughts Fetch Sadness

How about a creative visualization DVD running on a flat screen TV?  The sound of waves are so soothing. Great for anger management.

I hope this doesn’t come with floss…

Save My Time With The Fake Schmooze. “JUST GIVE ME MY MEDS, DUDE!”

PharmacyFun

*** Nothing says “Mother” like a trip to the emergency room and a week in the hospital with your kid. Thank yous to NYU Medical Center and the superb care they gave my daughter! ***

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

New York University School of Medicine

New York University School of Medicine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Follow the Funny – Video

12 Mar

Reblogged from Barb's Blast:

Twitter’s 140 character limit demands a specific, concise form of comedy writing that is demonstrated in the one-liner, epigram and aphorism.

Comedians and comedy writers are skilled at this form. My video homage:

Steve Martin elevates Twitter to an art form with clever and playful humor that is often surreal, and also has fun with the “live time” nature of Twitter as an element in the humor.

Read more… 95 more words, 1 more video

Twitter is great for COMEDY!