This review is from: Exit Laughing: How Humor Takes the Sting Out of Death (Io) (Paperback)
Exit Laughing is a fascinating anthology. It lovingly takes on the subject of death with grace, courage, and (thank God!) humor. It’s this celebration of laughter, even in dying and death, that makes the book so remarkable. The essays are poignant, funny, and memorable. They demonstrate the life-affirming power of humor. A great collection edited by Victoria Zackheim.
I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.
Yes, I refer to the gopher – that infuriating, beady-eyed rodent.
My heart stopped when I spotted that first heinous dirt mound near my prize-winning Kehr Hybrid azalea bushes in
my meticulously manicured front yard. My busybody neighbor informed me the peculiar mound is due to a gopher.
“They can really destroy a lawn. Ha, Ha, Ha…” he needled me.
The stress and irritation of this creature invasion has catapulted me into a crisis:
Blood pressure higher than a kytoon, sleep tortured by ghosts of gophers past, present, and future, dirt-filled
fingernails gnawed to the bone, digestion disrupted, mental faculties in disarray, martini consumption and
general crankiness escalating off the charts.
I repeat. I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.
Being a thinking person at least occasionally, I pursue sound, logical approaches to the problem:
Trapping with artisan cheese
Flooding by garden hose
Water boarding
Smoke bombs
Elaborate fencing
Sonar repeller rods (a regrettable purchase from the captivating but essentially useless Sky Mall Catalog)
Death by dog (sicking our aging beagle Flopsie on the vile little bugger)
100% Organic, gold-lined chemicals designed to euthanize the prickly pest (special precautions taken so I don’t kill my beloved cat… even though he treats me with all the respect offered a convicted sex offender)
Blasting mezzo-soprano Whitney Houston classics into the tunnel. Perhaps the piercing high notes will call him to Jesus?
Creative visualization – I imagine the gopher as road kill on my local interstate.
Nothing works. I resort to sniveling, cajoling, begging, and sobbing. However, this hurts me with the kids as they sense incompetence and despair faster than they can hit the local “all-you-can-eat buffet.”
After five weeks of soul numbing failure to exterminate the furry little Fuhrer, I succumb to a pitcher of Orange Blossom (heavy on the sweet Vermouth) for divine inspiration. Voila. I am struck with an answer so counter-intuitive yet brilliantly simple I want to scream.
Go with a Zen approach. Just “go for it.” Ohm. Peace envelops my entire being. Ohm. Ohm.
Fun in the sun isn’t always fun. A day at the beach can be more misery than merriment. And now they tell us sunscreen gives us cancer? Ain’t that sweet 🙂
My 15 summer bummers… What are yours?
1. Swimsuit wardrobe malfunction when faking bravado on the Boogie Board
2. Sunburn on private parts
3. Younger, slimmer, and obviously richer women donning floss bikinis, spray tans, and serious diamond earrings
4. Being buried in bacteria filthy, crab infested, scalding sand for the amusement and photo opp pleasure of loved ones
5. People who use “summer” as a verb, but not “budget” as a verb
6. A plethora of hideous tattoos scribbled on every hairy limb like graffiti on a sunset
7. Blowing up that darn beach ball, feeling dizzy, maybe it’s a stroke
8. That skanky fish smell that blows off the stagnant bay
9. Jellyfish who stalk just you
10. Kids who whine “I’m bored” because you’re not entertaining them 24-7
11. Dutifully applying and reapplying sunscreen only to find out it causes skin cancer – classic example of “Damn if you do, damn if you don’t!”
12. Joggers impervious to triple digit temperatures
13. Gnats in my mojito
14. Listening to perfectly nice folks mispronounce “mojito”
Great photo on the box cover. Isn’t subliminal advertising subtle?
Nonetheless, Madison Avenue knows I scream, you scream, we all holler like crazy for it! Yes. Low calorie ice cream.
One of these highly satisfying, heavenly treats is only 80 calories, can you believe it?
Why have one dark chocolate raspberry ice cream bar when you can have two?
Two bars… 2 x 80 = 160 calories. Not too bad…
But, no! The box says 1 bar = 80 calories and 2 bars = 170 calories.
Do the math, dudes at Weight Watchers. What’s with the extra 10 calories when I down two bars? Does that mean if I savor four bars (hmmm, not that I would) is it an extra 20 calories? Or is it like the Richter scale, increasing exponentially?
Is the extra 10 calories some kind of diet penalty?
I have contacted the generous and marketing savvy people at Weight Watchers regarding this error. I’m hoping they will reward me with Weight Watchers ice cream ’til death or ’til I gain 25 pounds – whichever comes first.
1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has a severe pain in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer at work all day.”
“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”
“For monthly pain, Ashley downs half a bottle of Scotch.”
2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and squirrel virus.”
“Waiting for hours in this line at the DMV is killing me. Oh, the pain. ARRRGH!”
“Will the Kardashians ever stop inflicting such pain upon the culture and just drop off the damn planet?”
Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
3) An annoying or tedious, troublesome person or thing: “Kim’s a pain. Khloe’s a pain. Kourtney’s a pain. Kris IS a royal pain.”
4) Laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: “Great pains have been taken to cover the crimson, pulsing pimple on my nose.”
Pain – the verb
1) Cause mental or physical pain to: “It pains me to say this, but your butt looks humongous in those horizontal stripes.”
Pain – phrase
1) No pain, no gain: “Suffering is necessary in order to achieve something such as losing that last 15 pounds, getting the kids to do their homework, and finishing this blog post on deadline.”
My favorite “pain.” Chocolat! Ah, oui.
pains au chocolat (Photo credit: LORO Languages Open Resources Online)
Great story about LUCILLE BALL and PAIN she suffered as a young adult:
