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I Feel Your Pain

20 Sep

 

Barb Best Humor Blog

 

PAIN. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

Pain, of course, is entirely relative.

PAIN – THE NOUN

1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has severe pains in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer/at work/in the car all day.”

“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”

“Her boss gives her the most excruciating pain in her head and eyeballs.”

2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and reality TV.” […]

True or False?

23 Aug

BOO!  POP Culture POP Quiz!

TRUE or FALSE?

1.   The TLC TV Show “Extreme Cougar Wives” is revolting.

2.   “Extreme Cougar Wives” is encouraging!

“Extreme Cougar Wives explores the exciting lives of women who love much younger men.” – TLC

 

HUFFPOST TV

3.   Next season, you’ll be able to vote one of the wives from TLC TV Network’s “Sister Wives” OFF the show.

The title card for Sister Wives, a TLC reality...

The title card for Sister Wives, a TLC reality television series about a polygamist family. (Photo credit: Wikipedi

4.   Tangerine is not an actual color.  Neither is avocado. […]

Pop Culture? Poppycock!

14 May

I feel your pain.  Do you feel mine? I bet you do. Yes, I refer to that niggling noggin splitting pain, that bone gnawing anguish, that teeming existential angst we experience whenever we face The Ugly Truth.

You know what I speak of, for like my humble self, you too are a highly discerning individual. Intellectually aware, artistically appreciative, cultivated, indubitably enlightened to a “T.”

Kindred souls you and I, we folks of gentle nature, we who cringe at double negatives and dangling participles as if they were sidewalk spitting or public urination. (They might as well be, you say!) We, who are dumbstruck by blatant ignorance as if it were a whack to the side of the skull by a cricket bat; we who recoil as garish tattoos and vile body piercings mar the landscape like graffiti violates a beautiful city’s grand architecture. […]

This is Your TV on Budget Cuts

23 Apr

spanx_powerpanty1

spanx_powerpanty1 (Photo credit: Vince_Lamb)

 

How is sequestration (THE budget cuts) affecting your favorite TV programs?

1 – THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

#RHOBH is cutting the cast by one member. The vote is in. Adios Adrienne Maloof.

And take your Maloove Hooves with you!  Don’t let the limo door hit you on the way out.

2 – HOMELAND

Only enough chill meds for poor Carrie to take a magic pill every other day. Prescriptions are expensive even when you squeeze them from your sister the shrink. […]

Reality TV: Junk Food for the Soul

8 Jan

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Like computer worms and flesh eating bacteria, “Reality TV” just won’t go away.

Amazing how it simultaneously entertains and horrifies.

Yes, some of the people are interesting in often the most mind-boggling ways… but are they fascinating? Barbara Walters thinks so. […]

7 GEMS from “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”

29 Nov

Rolex

 

It’s season 3 of Bravo’s RHOBH and don’t ya jest love it?

Like most truly cheesy TV, “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” is provocative, potent, and chock full of teaching moments.

We are now blessed with 7 RHOBHs: Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Taylor Armstrong, Brandi Glanville, and Yolanda Foster.

BTW their combined ages are over 320 years.

SO they certainly can teach us a thing or two… or 7. […]

Weekend Funny 5 YouTube Videos

9 Nov

Portlandia!

 

 

My Funny Major Medical BOOK TRAILER:    http://youtu.be/EuVt2u8RZoQ

 

I Feel Your “Back To School” Pain

5 Sep

According to top Health and Wellness Coaches Debbie Schroeder and Lynn Smith in their report 10 ENERGY ZAPPERS and How To Eliminate Them,

“Watching TV can lead to fatigue. The rapid cuts and edits shift your orienting response into overdrive, which leads to fatigue.”  Phooey, I say!

What causes fatigue? Working a job in your kid’s classroom!

It’s elementary, my dear room mother

backtoschool

Dear Ms. Yokelclinger,

I’m happy as Planter’s Punch you are my kid’s teacher this year. I look forward to working like a dog breaking labor laws volunteering tirelessly in the classroom. After a seemingly endless summer keeping my kids entertained, hydrated, fed, culturally stimulated, lathered with sunscreen, and blooming like buttercups, I’m really thrilled to tears to be your complete and total slave parent helper.

Because I am deliriously dedicated to my child’s education, I will be on call 24-7 should you need anything. I love to stay up ’til 4:00 a.m. doing my own work so during the day I can organize your friggin’ field trip to the friggin’ moth museum, construct the goat cart for the Kwanzaa harvest, and cook 15 dozen gluten-free, apple crumb cupcakes for Earth Day.

How precious it is that you observe so fully every idiotic holiday known to mankind and that you do it via artsy fartsy crafting. Martha Stewart would be proud of your intent, but disapproving of the grossly inferior quality you inspire.

Because I’m not fully satisfied by the joy of supervising my kids’ tedious home work, running migraine-inducing carpools, making “healthy” lunches my kids won’t chuck in the nearest dumpster, snack preparation, clothing coordination, and insisting upon occasional baths… I give myself to you.

As your unpaid assistant, I will not expect any perks, nor will my child receive any special privileges like a pass on a particularly pesky pop quiz or those God-awful push-ups in gym class. I will not, for a moment, resent your generous benefits, union protections, plum pension, or the ultimate gift – the gift of time – yes, every summer off.

If for some reason you can’t reach me (say, around mid-November or early December), I’ll be in Rehab.

Warm Fuzzies,  Your Dutiful Room Parent

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Martha Stewart On YouTube

7 Aug

Martha Stewart has a VERY entertaining and informative “The Official Martha Stewart YouTube Channel”  Check it out!

Martha on the pole, you asked for it.

 

Who needs the Olympics?

With Fred Armisen of SNL and Portlandia.

 

Comedienne Susie Essman.

With her friend Nora Ephron.

 

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

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