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I Feel Your “Back To School” Pain

5 Sep

According to top Health and Wellness Coaches Debbie Schroeder and Lynn Smith in their report 10 ENERGY ZAPPERS and How To Eliminate Them,

“Watching TV can lead to fatigue. The rapid cuts and edits shift your orienting response into overdrive, which leads to fatigue.”  Phooey, I say!

What causes fatigue? Working a job in your kid’s classroom!

It’s elementary, my dear room mother

backtoschool

Dear Ms. Yokelclinger,

I’m happy as Planter’s Punch you are my kid’s teacher this year. I look forward to working like a dog breaking labor laws volunteering tirelessly in the classroom. After a seemingly endless summer keeping my kids entertained, hydrated, fed, culturally stimulated, lathered with sunscreen, and blooming like buttercups, I’m really thrilled to tears to be your complete and total slave parent helper.

Because I am deliriously dedicated to my child’s education, I will be on call 24-7 should you need anything. I love to stay up ’til 4:00 a.m. doing my own work so during the day I can organize your friggin’ field trip to the friggin’ moth museum, construct the goat cart for the Kwanzaa harvest, and cook 15 dozen gluten-free, apple crumb cupcakes for Earth Day.

How precious it is that you observe so fully every idiotic holiday known to mankind and that you do it via artsy fartsy crafting. Martha Stewart would be proud of your intent, but disapproving of the grossly inferior quality you inspire.

Because I’m not fully satisfied by the joy of supervising my kids’ tedious home work, running migraine-inducing carpools, making “healthy” lunches my kids won’t chuck in the nearest dumpster, snack preparation, clothing coordination, and insisting upon occasional baths… I give myself to you.

As your unpaid assistant, I will not expect any perks, nor will my child receive any special privileges like a pass on a particularly pesky pop quiz or those God-awful push-ups in gym class. I will not, for a moment, resent your generous benefits, union protections, plum pension, or the ultimate gift – the gift of time – yes, every summer off.

If for some reason you can’t reach me (say, around mid-November or early December), I’ll be in Rehab.

Warm Fuzzies,  Your Dutiful Room Parent

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Martha Stewart On YouTube

7 Aug

Martha Stewart has a VERY entertaining and informative “The Official Martha Stewart YouTube Channel”  Check it out!

Martha on the pole, you asked for it.

 

Who needs the Olympics?

With Fred Armisen of SNL and Portlandia.

 

Comedienne Susie Essman.

With her friend Nora Ephron.

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

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Weekend Funny 5

3 Aug

Watching THE Olympics?

Here’s the answer to the burning question:  “Why Do Olympians Wear that Colorful Tape?”  It’s not for decoration!   Article by Lauren Hansen on mentalfloss.com

Martha Stewart has a very entertaining and informative YouTube Channel, check it out!

With the wonderful Nora Ephron.

 

Comedienne Susie Essman.

 

Wow, the zumba, too?

 

You love him on Food Network…  Alton Brown is NOW food columnist on Mental Floss.com

 

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

 

 

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Weekend Funny 5

27 Jul

Annie Wood

Annie Wood (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here are some quick cures for the summer blues and blahs…

 

Comedy Writer, TV/Film actress Annie Wood at http://www.anniewood.com   Annie is the host/co-producer of the national game show, #BZZZ! Actress #GoodLuckChuck #MySistersKeeper Guest on #TheTonightShow, WGA Writer, TV ♡er. http://www.comediva.com  in Anniewood, California

 

Humor columnist, Jen X’pert Jenny Isenman at The Suburban Jungle  and at The Huffington Post Women

 

DOG LOVERS! New book coming out!  Rabid: Are You Crazy About Your Dog or Just Crazy?  [Hardcover] Pamela Redmond Satran (Author)

 

“When To Stop Exercising”  at DivineCaroline.com 

“Pinsanity”

 

 

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Cool It

3 Jul

Have a cool July 4th!

 

 

Keep cool. Buy jewelry.

PhotCreditBarbBest

 

Be cool. Wear novelty glasses.

Be cool

 

Shoe cool. Kick up your heels.

barbbest

Red, white, and blue cool.  Add some color to your life.

Photo Credit: S Raga

 

Play it cool. Have Glee.

 

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Help! I’m A Data Hoarder

26 Jun

Help! I’m A Data Hoarder.   

Some day, perhaps sooner than later, neighbors may find me buried in a morass of festering digital clutter – twitter droppings, zipper files, news video, old songs, new songs, You Tube footage of nursing puppies and stupid person pranks, piles of podcasts and miles of ezines, ebooks, PDFs, JPEGS, GIFS.

TLC’s fascinating show “Hoarding: Buried Alive” features folks suffering from various forms of compulsive-obsessive disorder, attachment disorder, addiction and/or dementia. These avid collectors seem unable to throw out anything – especially if it’s downright disgusting: old underwear, plastic snakes, used cardboard, moldy muffins, dead cats, apple cores, ex-spouses. You get the messy “Where’s Waldo?” picture.

However, with therapy and support and some serious begging from clinical psychologists, disgruntled relatives and a U-Haul Truck full of unbelievably patient professional organizers, the hoarders begin to clean up their acts.

For my part, I finally ditched my long serving desktop computer as it was becoming a data death camp. It is a tremendous step in clearing up my “over byte” problem!

Forget preservation. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Stop, drop and delete.

Is computer clutter a problem for you?

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

FOLLOW me on Twitter @HaBarb

 

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Weekend Funny 5

25 May

TGIF

 

Every Friday I feature 5 LINKS to LAUGHTER. Enjoy!

 

How to Bake a Chicken Without Flippin’ the Bird Lisa Tognola

Another food mystery solved at Mental Floss

The Hilarious Rachael Ray  Food Network Humor

How To Tattoo A Banana  Admit it, bananas are funny.

 

Oprah Show Funniest Moments