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Weekend Funny 5

18 May

 

TGIF!

 

Every Friday I will feature 5 LINKS to LAUGHTER. Enjoy!

HUFF POST WOMEN BEST TWEETS

TEXT FROM DOG

LIGHTEN UP!

5 STAGES OF GRADUATION GRIEF

PINSANITY!

 

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Top 10 Funny Mom Flicks

21 Apr

Freaky Friday

Jamie Lee Curtis – she’s the mother, she’s the daughter, she’s the mother in the daughter’s body, she’s the daughter in the mother’s body?  Whatever!  Gosh, role reversal comedies are confusing!

She jams at The House of Blues with your garage band, tells your creepy English teacher to take a hike, hops on a Harley for a love ride with the dreamy boy you’re bonkers about and smooches him good – even if it is with her lips, not yours!

Mean Girls

Amy Poehler is alpha Plastic Regina George’s “cool mom” in Tina Fey’s screenplay.

What kind of mother flaunts her breast implants, talks trash with your gal friends and offers you an afternoon cocktail?

Hey, don’t judge – it keeps her feeling young!

Hairspray

As Edna Turnblad, John Travolta is so sweet he/she oozes Cool Whip from every plus-size pore.

Apparently it takes a man to play a woman who sews, irons and love’s her blimp size body just the way it is.

Not only is she fun to go bra shopping with, but (man) can she sing and dance like nobody’s business!


Serial Mom

Even though Beverly R. Sutphin is a homicidal maniac, she has some good points.

She recycles religiously.

She defends her screwy son at a parent teacher conference by running the poor teacher over in the school parking lot with the family station wagon.

Best of all, she makes hilarious obscene phone calls to uptight neighbor ladies.

                                                                                                       “Ouch! I tore something!”

Mamma Mia

In spite of those hideous overalls she sports, Donna has a great gig in a Greek paradise and gives a decent mani-pedi.

Sure, she “works all day, works all night” but somehow still finds time to party and perform with her fun gal pals in a retro singing group.

Isn’t my jacket a hoot?

This is My Life

Mom is so clever she wears a mean polka dot and does stand up comedy.

She’s usually off in L.A. working clubs and sleeping with her agent but she leaves you in a spacious Manhattan apartment with struggling comics (a stable bunch) as your babysitters. Bless her, she tells you to brush your teeth only when you feel like it.

 

Baby Mama

“Tina Fey is such a meanie.”

What other forty year old woman can wear pigtails and still look – dare I say – cute? Amy Poehler scores again.

                            I feel like singin’

The Brady Bunch – The Movie

What’s not to love about Shelly Long?

Her Carol Brady hairdo is the best thing since Woody Woodpecker’s carmine cowlick (eat your heart out Conan O’Brien.)

She’s so square, so sixties, so insipid – she’s sexy!

 

Got a sweet tooth?

Waitress

Pie anyone? Pregnant Keri Russell talks and writes to her baby and makes a dang tasty pie, a new one every day.

Pies with names like: Fallin’ In Love Chocolate Mousse Pie, Bad Baby Pie,

Kick In The Pants Pie, Marshmallow Mermaid Pie and Naughty Pumpkin Pie.

Juno

“Teenage pregnancy is no joke, but I’m like darn amusing.”

Last but not least, an odd choice you say!  Sure, Juno’s fifteen going on fifty-five, smokes a pipe, plays acoustic guitar poorly, chats on a hamburger phone and cracks wise and tacky like a smart ass comic – but you say that as if it’s a bad thing.

Why didn’t anybody tell her not to wear horizontal stripes when she’s eighty-five pounds pregnant?

At least she has enough horse sense to realize she doesn’t quite have the right stuff (yet) to be a mommy. Oh, well – there’s a really nice lady who needs a baby.

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PunEmployed

1 Mar

Will work for chocolate…

With unemployment and underemployment so high, many of us are reinventing ourselves professionally.

Baby Boomers, I’m not just talking to you!

You may need to rethink your life mission, your calling, your purpose. Have you perhaps considered these little known professions?  Tell me yours!

* How about?

Tarot Card Scholar

Cleanse Coach

Gumball Historian

Pity Party Planner

Hairball Stylist

Aroma Therapy Artist

Disgusting Flavor Jellybean Taster

Twitter Addiction Therapist

Social Media Profile Photo Consultant

Spam Chef

Diva Enabler

Sleep Coach

Clutter Creator

Principal Caregiver to All Devices Electronic

Rant Management Supervisor

Canine Audio Mitigation Specialist

Goldfish Grief Counselor

Zombie Health Practitioner

Ridiculous Excuse Inventor

Spinner to the Stars

Post-It Technician

Procrastination Coordinator

Giggle Facilitator

Sand Castle CEO

Piggy Bank CFO

Prevarication Tutor

Brain Fart Expert

Food Cravings Blogger

Novelty Piercing Retailer

Dream Consultant

Trampoline Tester

Mirth Maven

Government Pork Regulator

Private Parts Investigator

Jellyfish De-boner

Donkey Behaviorist

Dementia Bracelet Designer

Geriatric Sex Counselor

Houseplant Psychiatrist

DVR Instructor

Memory Engineer

“Men Only Spa” Alcoholic Beverage Coordinator

Pekingese Etiquette Coach

“Girls Night Out” Feelings Auditor

Lollipop Historian

Adult Entertainment Researcher

Spanx Trainer

Pet Wedding Photographer

Professional Wallet Organizer

Candle Counter

I’ll bet you have one… Tell me yours!

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

 

The Scarlet Letter

20 Feb

19 Feb

Credit: theknot.com.auCredit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

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Vote for Comedy

10 Jan

election

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

Comedy

You go, Girl!

 

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

 

Comedy

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

 

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Hairy Christmas!

21 Dec

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet?

Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants?

According to the L.A. Times, an Associated PressPetside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year.

Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!)

Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides?

Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces?

He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds.

Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening.

Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…)

Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows?

A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too.

If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him?

It’s the gift that keeps giving.

After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs?

Memo from the cat:
It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!!

* We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

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MORE Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

14 Dec

Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

 

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

 

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.SkyMallIt’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

 

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids

SkyMall


Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

 

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

 

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

SkyMallTo hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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Let There be Light

6 Dec

“Popular Science” doesn’t have to be an oxymoron.
Exciting, entertaining, and even sexy news emerges daily from the bright world of scientific innovation. For instance:
From The Washington Post – How to de-stress law school students before exams?  Puppies!
Equal time for cats (or cat scans) of course.

Here’s a fish that must be low in calories. What is an x-ray fish, you may ask?  Why, here is a brief description: ehow.com

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?”
“A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds.”

ScienceShot: Human Hearts Beat Together  by Meghan Rosen  http://bit.ly/vbQLmX

Saved the best for last.  Here’s a HOT news flash:

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Enhanced by ZemantaFunny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d

What do you collect? Comment & Win!

22 Nov

My guest co-blogger this week is “Ditchthebun” from Sydney, Australia. Her blog is interesting and a lot of fun.  Thank you Ditchthebun!

BARB:   Everybody has a collection of some sort.Over the years, I’ve collected travel brochures, ceramic clowns, Mardi Gras comedy tragedy masks, Playbills, water globe souvenir pens, New Yorker Magazines, hot air balloon art prints, vintage postcards, and scented erasers.

I’ve known people who’ve collected china teacups, ceramic salt and pepper shakers, Lladro Porcelain figurines, Swarovski crystal, Rubik’s cubes, Barbie dolls, rock concert tee shirts, Netsukes, first edition books, playing cards, Beanie Babies, owl-dog-cat-bluebird chotchkes, toy elephants, swizzle sticks, refrigerator magnets, ex-husbands, and pet ashes.

Sloane Crosley described her cache of plastic ponies in the essay “The Pony Problem” in her hilarious New York Times Bestseller I Was Told There’d Be Cake published by Riverhead Books.

Ditchthebun collects ice-cube trays and molds. I find this fascinating, then again maybe I don’t bake or entertain enough.

DITCHTHEBUN:

Brains

We actually bought one for my cousin who is studying to be a doctor. It was basically a gag gift. Apparently he uses it all the time. His medical friends loved it so much, he asked me to get him more for them. Somehow I ended up with a spare.

“Oooh BrAiN fOoD!”

BARB: I hope that’s chocolate.

Chillbots Robots

Technically I think my fiancé bought these to give as a gift to a friend of his, but somehow they never got further than our house. I think he’s getting as bad as me now… he called me in the other night to show me a space invaders ice-cube tray.

Gin & Titonic

These were bought for use at one of my parents’ New Years Eve parties the year of the dreaded Y2K. The theme was World’s End and these ice cubes were in a punch bowl labelled “Going Down with the Ship.” I still have no idea what she put in that punch, but it tasted amazing and made my head all tingly :D

BARB: I’d like to see Leonardo DiCaprio ice cubes. Use your imagination.

Hearts

Originally these heart trays were bought to make rocky road hearts for bon bonnier for our wedding, but a few last minute stresses have severely limited our time so we’ve gone with something far more simple.

BARB: Simple like Twinkies or Hostess cupcakes?

Guitars

These were for my brother’s birthday party. I still claim them as my own, but they are rarely home these days.  Every Easter I make them into chocolate molds and decorate the top for my brother.

Penguins

Honestly I don’t think there was a rhyme or reason behind getting these. I thought they were cute and the tray cost $2 so I thought why not?! Mostly use just for myself in a drink on a Friday afternoon after work :D   (Or when someone has forgotten to fill the regular ice tray yet again and is desperate for ice – you know a macho man is desperate when he has chubby penguins floating in his scotch and coke).

BARB: Penguin ice cubes – perfect for a global housewarming party.

Baby Feet

This has been used several times for baby showers, baby naming days etc. I think technically it is supposed to be used for fondant, but I don’t really like fondant.  So I have taken to making milk, dark, white & marble chocolate feet. They are a huge hit.

What do YOU collect? We’d love to know! Let us know briefly under “Comments” and win a new copy of The Beverly Hills Organizer’s Home Organizing Bible: A Pro’s Answer to Your Organizing Prayers.

*Winner will be selected on December 1st, 2011. Good luck!

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Photo Credit: hotshotproducts.org

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Humor Books by Women

16 Nov

Looking for a fun read?  Of course you are!

A humor book makes a meaningful, high value, yet affordable gift. Experience the joy that comes from sharing laughter.

These 10 titles are available as quality paperbacks and ebooks on Amazon.

The authors are all funny, sharp women.  Check them out…

The CHICK-tionary From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know  by Anna Lefler

Hilarious. Includes 450+ words no woman can live without! Destined to be a comedy classic.

Got Milf? The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan by Sarah Maizes

Funny and affirmative.   “Celebrates where the modern woman has taken motherhood.”  A mom can so be hot!

How Not to Act Old 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame by Pamela Redmond Satran

Brilliant, laugh-out-loud funny, and highly informative. A must read!

I REMEMBER NOTHING And Other Reflections by Nora Ephron

A delightful, insightful look at the past, present, and future by the charming and witty Renaissance woman Nora Ephron.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY NECK And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman   by Nora Ephron

Hysterical. The chapter “Parenting In Three Stages” is gold.

I STILL HAVE ITI Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It

Confessions of a Fiftysomething by Rita Rudner

“Near-sighted insights” about aging from the very likable, extremely amusing comedian, actress, screenwriter, and author.

Rebel Without A Minivan Observations on Life in the ‘burbs

by Tracy Beckerman

Highly entertaining collection of essays by the author of the popular syndicated humor column, LOST IN SUBURBIA® and grand prize winner of The Balancing Act’s “America’s Top Blogger.”

Sitting On Cold Porcelain by Rose A. Valenta

Amusing, perceptive collection of satirical essays about current events and politics by top syndicated columnist and humorist.

Confessions of A Semi-Natural Woman Mostly True Tales of a Woman under the Influence of Laughter by Leigh Anne Jasheway

Funny stuff from award-winning humor writer, motivational speaker, and stand-up comedienne. She has an M.P.H. – “master of public health/mistress of public humor!”

The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement by Judy Gruen

Classic collection of comedic essays on family and foibles that succeeds beautifully at being both sophisticated and relatable.

ENJOY!    What are your favorite humor books?

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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