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Dear Boss: 7 Reasons I’m Taking Friday and Monday Off

21 Jul

SUBJECT: Playing Hooky  Goofing Off  Planned Absences

TO:  Kyle Flicker

General Manager

Misery Productions

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Boss: Planned Absences

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Flicker,

I’d like to share with you a few bulls*!t excuses I’ve concocted for my impending absences from work.

  • My life coach insists I have a minimally invasive craniotomy done this Saturday. This is scheduled after my boozy, trans fat-laden brunch and before a round or two of miniature golf with the neighborhood children. Chances are I’ll be gaga on opioids for a few days. Trust me. You won’t want me anywhere near the company spreadsheets.

 

  • I’m celebrating “Cinnabon Day” and the Krispy Kreme “Buy a Dozen, Get a Dozen Free” promotion. This religious observance should take me several days to participate in and to recover from. If you’d like further documentation from my gastroenterologist or spiritual advisor, please let me know.

 

  •  I’m rolling out “those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. Those days of soda and pretzels and beer.” It’s my civic duty.

 

  • My therapy dog, Bubbles, appears to have worms. Not a pretty sight! The veterinarian is expecting us for a lengthy appointment and anal exam. Family first.

 

  • I’m grievously behind in my Netflix commitment. Gotta catch up to get my $9.99 a month’s worth.

 

  • I must make use of a personal care day, plus a vacation day to attend to a personal issue. The issue? I have no personal life. I need to find one before I don’t care anymore. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

 

  • Taking time off for bed rest to read these hilarious humor books…

 

I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere but the Pool  – Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

We Are Never Meeting in Real Life  – Samantha Irby

The Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody for the Self-Absorbed  – Barb Best

Thanks for being so understanding about the absences!

Sincerely My Own Special Person,

Carrie M. Lennial

Sugar Crash: 7 Random Reflections Gleaned

7 Jul

 

Sugar

Life is sweet. And what’s more fun than a blood sugar crash at 3:00 a.m.?

Sleep Blood Sugar Crash

 7 Random Reflections Gleaned from My Nightly Blood Sugar Crash

  • Geez, my pancreas needs a fidget spinner.

[…]

Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody Book

17 Mar

 

Misery? It’s not merely a Stephen King novel.

Happiness? It’s not just a smiley face or an emoticon.

You don’t need another self-help book. They suck.

Instead, you need to laugh at your troubles. Kvetch and complain. Embrace the pain. Feel the joy.

Humor me…

My NEW humor book!!!  BUY HERE 🙂

[…]

Hello: Eleven Reasons Why

17 Feb

Hello

So much email, so many phone calls, too many texts… too little time.

 

BarbBestHumor

 

So Why Haven’t I Returned Your Emails, Calls, and Texts in 5 Weeks?

Hello! It’s challenging to muster the same sense of urgency to email, call, text responses than I have for, say, attending a family funeral or watching The Tennis Channel.

I know you understand ’cause you haven’t returned my emails, calls, texts either 🙂 […]

May I Suggest a New Hobby?

2 Dec

May I suggest a new hobby?

 

New Hobby Barb Best Humor

 

These are a few hobbies I’m seriously considering…

Sleep Eating

Sleep can be oh so boring, so what better way to liven it up? Go on a groggy 2:00 a.m. binge with a banana bundt cake or a bucket of fried chicken – all without the guilt. Sleep eating combines two of my favorite activities… sleeping and eating!

Competitive dog grooming

It’s also pet therapy. Everyone gets a sloppy kiss. Also a few bites and scratches. […]

News and You: It’s Time for An Intervention

12 Nov

News and Yous: It's Time for An Intervention

A News Intervention

Have you been overdosing on the news?  (Of course you have.)

Consuming media 24/7?  (You bet!)

Watching, reading, and listening to everything? (Oh, yeah.)

News and Yous: It's Time for An Intervention

Now that the election is over

Perhaps you need to go on an Information Diet, Internet Detox, or Facebook Cleanse?

If you are like me, you are ready for a strong bourbon and a boob massage about now. […]

Comedy and Cancer: What’s So Funny?

21 Oct

Cover of "Cancer Schmancer"

Cover of Cancer Schmancer

Comedy and Cancer

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Here are a few funny and empowering books, plays, TV series, and movies that promote humor and comedy when battling cancer.

Tig Notaro

Stand-up comedian and writer survived breast cancer and a double mastectomy.

“Hello, I Have Cancer.” […]

Clown Hysteria: Why is Everybody DOWN on CLOWNS?

1 Oct

Don't talk Politics

Clowns

All the world apparently doesn’t love a clown.

Why the haters?

 

Clowns: Why is Everybody Down on Clowns?

 

It seems to be hip to see ALL clowns as “creepy” and zombies as cool.

It’s ironic that zombies streaked in blood and oozing death are deemed benevolent while goofy clowns donned in ginormous polka-dots are most likely evil.

Am I alone, but what’s not to love about red rubber noses, orange wigs, baggy pants, exaggerated make-up, and over-sized floppy shoes?

99.9999999999999999% of Hollywood – and everyone on TV – wears fake hair and too much make-up. So what?

For the record

My favorite zombie is “the tall mixed drink consisting of several kinds of rum, liqueur, and fruit juice.” […]

Back to Work: 7 Distractions You Really Can’t Ignore

21 Sep

7 Distractions We Can’t Ignore!

Sometimes it’s hard to focus on work when this important stuff is on your mind…

Barb Best Humor Distractions

  • Prepping my porch for fall

 

  • Harvest decor… why?

 

  • Gurgling intestinal sounds, mine and others

 

  • My body double has fallen and she can’t get up

[…]

Comedy Film: Writer-Producer-Director Nancy Meyers

5 Sep

Father of the Bride Part II

Father of the Bride Part II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Something's Gotta Give (film)

Something’s Gotta Give (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Comedy films with class and wit are hard to come by.

Comedy films that are about people and relationships? Scarce!

Comedies that don’t insult our intelligence by embracing the lowest common denominator of crass taste and stupidity? Rare! […]

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