Barb Best

March is the month God created to show people who don’t drink what a hangover is like.

– Garrison Keillor

The third month of the year.

It’s not winter.

It’s not spring – and it’s definitely not summer.

March is many things. It is NOT a day at the beach.

Hail Caesar

Beware the Ides of March.

It should be on antidepressants.

It’s a gruelling time defined by spring cleaning, facing your dreaded taxes, springing ahead yet losing an hour, clearing the emotional and physical clutter and cobwebs of winter. It has all the warmth of a broken kite. […]

Cheer Up!

A noxious mood state is a nice place to visit, but you don’t want to live there all winter.

Experiencing the arctic vortex or a rash of flash flooding and mudslides can put the sunniest of us souls in a sour mood.

Musings

We all agree – watching the news is about as much fun as chewing on foil. […]

Grateful for 2019!

You bet!

“But why?” you ask.

Simple.

Grateful Because…

• You did not have a leech removed from your nose. (That head cold last winter was bad enough.)

https://nyp.st/2Qapskh

• There is not a shocking blue glow over your town’s skies. (You love the color blue, but not this much.)

[…]

Happy Holidays

Holidays and stress go together like eggnog and rum, like millennials and artisanal creameries, like politicians and lying.

Deck the halls with boughs and blabber
‘Tis the season to be grumpy,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tis the season to be jumpy,
Ha-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

A new study published in the British Medical Journal claims that your risk of heart attack is greatest on Christmas Eve and the following two days.

An excerpt from The Misery Manifesto,

the month-by-month survival guide…

Available on Amazon

December * Holidays Are A Pain In the Aspirations

You’d like peace and quiet for the holidays. You want to relax. You want to stop and inhale the roses. You’re sadly optimistic on this count. […]

There are many lessons to be learned when evacuating from an active wildfire zone.

Wildfire

“Wind’s in the East…mist coming in.

Like something is brewing, about to begin.

Can’t put my finger…on what lies in store, but I fear what’s to happen all happened before.”

– Bert in Mary Poppins

Breathe

Remember to breathe!  But only with a N95 respirator mask so you can screen out hazardous gases such as carbon monoxide, formaldehyde, acrolein, and random farts.

Soot happens. You’ll likely resemble Dick Van Dyke as Bert the chimney sweeper in Mary Poppins.

[…]

I need a fitbit for my brain, not my feet

We have fitness trackers that measure steps taken, miles logged, territory traversed.

Wearable technology enables us to monitor and access a vast world of valuable information.

For instance, a tracker will tell us if we’re a slacker when it comes to physical exercise.

That’s dandy, but…

Why not a tracker for our brain activity?

I want to track my daily thoughts, ideas, creative bursts, flights of fancy, feelings, dreams, and left brain vs. right brain activity.

How about measuring memories made and recovered?

Daily monitoring of moods and musings?

Instead of steps, how ’bout depths? Concepts? […]

Halloween Costumes and Dogs

Orange and black have invaded the retail world. Pumpkins, creepy decorations, and feed bags of over-priced candy block the aisles of every store – including the pet store. Orange is the new black, but dogs are the new orange.

Sniffing the $$$

According to MarketWatch, pet owners will spend nearly half a billion dollars on animal costumes this Halloween. 

Do dogs like dressing up? (I thought that was more of a gerbil thing.)

Animal behaviorists and dog cognition researchers suggest dogs aren’t crazy about dressing up, although they do appreciate the associated attention and treats from their owners. Imposing human garments on a canine likely stirs up pesky ancestral feelings.

Do you believe your special needs mongrel yearns to dress up as Albert Einstein or a bag of French Fries?

For God’s sake, a cocker spaniel is not comfortable wearing a petticoat and a sports bra!

https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/on-dressing-up-your-pets

Concerns

One worries… […]

Not all of the news is disturbing and stressful.

Some is merely absurd and weird.

Ridiculous is Good

The Silly Seven

• A Cairo zoo is accused of painting donkeys to look like zebras. (Wrong on many levels, but resourceful)

• NY Post: Study shows the universe is filled with disgusting, greasy goop. (We knew that!)

[…]

Are you a worry wart?

Guatemalan Worry Dolls

15 Things I’m NOT Worried About… Yet

• Ebola growing in my Brita filter

• Pumpkin spice is back with a vengeance.

[…]

Testing… 1 – 2 – 3… Testing

There is available at-home genetic testing for likely traits such as cilantro aversion, earwax type (wet? dark-colored? sticky? Gross!), photic sneeze reflex (whatever that is), asparagus odor detection, and unibrow.

Seriously, do you need a DNA test to confirm your hair color (unless you actually can’t recall your original color) or remind you that you can smell asparagus in your pee?

Traits We Really Want To Know If We’re Carrying

• Smart Ass gene
• Propensity to drown in credit card debt
• Pathological Liar
• Lucky in love

[…]