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Cell Messages I Missed Because My Signal Dropped Out

25 Oct

Cellphones and Signals

Reaching me via cell – the expectations are way too high!

8:15 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, (cough) (cough) will you give me a ring when you get a chance? Thank you.”

 

9:25 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, would you mind driving honey? I don’t feel like driving. (laughter) Would you mind? Um, I’m trying to see if 12:00 is a good time for us to leave. No, not leave here, I mean just to get there. Um, what’s the traffic? I wonder if you’ve been out yet? You haven’t been out yet, have you? Okay, give me a call when you get this. Thank you, dear. Bye.”

 

10:42 a.m.

voicemail

“Hi Barb, I’ve been trying to reach you. (strained laughter) Is your phone ringing or what? Um… I figure we should leave around twenty-five after ’cause it takes a little while to go through the park up there… if that’s okay with you (thru teeth) sweetheart.

Okay, I’ll talk to you when you get home.” CLICK.

[…]

Giraffe Drinking Habits: A Tall Zoo Tale

28 Sep

Giraffe

Tall tale or tall tail?

It’s a zoo out there

For reasons unknown, I recently visited a zoo.

The highlight was visiting the Masai giraffes.

BarbBestZooGiraffeHumor

 

There was a family of three – Michael, Betty Lou, and Parker. Yup, they had names, but not name tags.

For an extra eight bucks, you could “Get up close and personal with the tallest residents of the Zoo! Hand feed Masai giraffes and have the experience of a lifetime.”

I was too late (and too cheap) to make feeding time,

BUT I discovered that the real show is not feeding the giraffes – it’s hanging with them after they dine. […]

My Cat has a Bucket List, Doesn’t Yours?

12 Sep

My cat has a bucket list.

As a matter of fact, he has nine.

 

Yes! My Cat Has a Bucket List

            You talkin’ to me?

 

He has (begrudgingly) granted me permission to share his first list with you.

 

  • Roll in the dirt with that sassy ginger tabby from across the street who struts by my sliding glass door several times a week.

[…]

News to Amuse – 7 Items that Won’t Stress You Out

26 Aug

Flash!

The news is stressing everyone out.

Anxiety, depression, and despair are consuming many, BUT –

Barb Best Humor: News To Amuse

Good News!

Not all of the headlines are apocalyptic. Some are merely strange and disturbing.

 

News To Amuse: Barb Best Humor

Here are 7 ITEMS you may have missed

 

 

[…]

Healthscare: Making a Money Mountain out of a Mole

4 Aug

Healthscare: Making A Money Mountain out of a Mole

Healthcare Fun

Let’s make a money mountain out of an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny mole!

Healthcare: Making A Money Mountain out of a Mole

“Holy Moly!”

 

News Flash

I notice a new? mole on my neck.

Being hyper vigilant (and vain) I hop online and compare my mole to images of other moles.

(BTW it is disturbing how many pics of moles are posted on the web. Way too much sharing!) […]

Dear Boss: 7 Reasons I’m Taking Friday and Monday Off

21 Jul

SUBJECT: Playing Hooky  Goofing Off  Planned Absences

TO:  Kyle Flicker

General Manager

Misery Productions

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Boss: Planned Absences

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Flicker,

I’d like to share with you a few bulls*!t excuses I’ve concocted for my impending absences from work.

  • My life coach insists I have a minimally invasive craniotomy done this Saturday. This is scheduled after my boozy, trans fat-laden brunch and before a round or two of miniature golf with the neighborhood children. Chances are I’ll be gaga on opioids for a few days. Trust me. You won’t want me anywhere near the company spreadsheets.

 

  • I’m celebrating “Cinnabon Day” and the Krispy Kreme “Buy a Dozen, Get a Dozen Free” promotion. This religious observance should take me several days to participate in and to recover from. If you’d like further documentation from my gastroenterologist or spiritual advisor, please let me know.

[…]

Sugar Crash: 7 Random Reflections Gleaned

7 Jul

 

Sugar

Life is sweet. And what’s more fun than a blood sugar crash at 3:00 a.m.?

Sleep Blood Sugar Crash

 7 Random Reflections Gleaned from My Nightly Blood Sugar Crash

  • Geez, my pancreas needs a fidget spinner.

[…]

Lizards Mating: 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

22 Jun

Lizards

Eidechse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Leaping Lizards! Yuck!

There is a lighter side to lizards… just watch them mate sometime.

7 Questions To Ask Yourself While Watching Lizards Mate

  • Isn’t nature amazing?

 

  • What – no foreplay?

[…]

La La Land June Gloom The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

10 Jun

An Excerpt from the humor book The Misery Manifesto

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorow?

In the United States, as in most of the sad world, you have weather. You have a variety of weather patterns and temperature changes, as well as four seasons. This isn’t the case in coastal Southern California. As you know, we’re special.

In Los Angeles, we have consistently perfect weather — sunny with temperatures in the seventies. It’s a truly reasonable climate that only the most miserable among us (usually transplanted New Yorkers) find unacceptable. These are the cranks who complain about unending sunshine and clear skies as if it’s a bad thing. “I miss the seasons,” they whine.

However, even for the easy to please, there is an ugly shoofly in The Endless Summer of SoCal . . . and that is the infamous “June Gloom.”

The Endless Summer

JUNE GLOOM

According to Wikipedia (who else?), June Gloom is “a weather pattern that results in cloudy, overcast skies with cool temperatures during the late spring and early summer, most commonly in the month of June.” (This is why it’s not called February Gloom.)

“Low-altitude stratus clouds are formed over the ocean, then transported over the coastal regions by the wind.”

Translation: June Gloom is a month-long period of fog and drizzle up the yahoo where you feel like an abuse victim in a never-ending Bergman movie. I call it “50 Shades of L.A. Gray.”

June Gloom should be a bona fide mental disorder ordained by the American Psychiatric Association. It’s Los Angeles’s version of a seasonal affective disorder.

[…]

My First 100 Days: Lots of Crying

29 Apr

My First 100 Days

Enough about Trump. Here’s what I did in my first 100 days.  Whaaa!

Barb Besy Humor My First 100 days

  • Exited my mother’s womb with a ton of fanfare. Actually, it was a bloodbath. Pretty gross. Extremely exhausting for Mom and me. Couldn’t wait to get cleaned up and grab a nap. Whew.

 

  • Cried. There’s lots of crying in the first 100.

 

  • Slept, mostly in spurts of a few hours here, a few hours there. Similar to how I do now.

[…]