Barb Best

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents.

1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.

2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.

3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.

4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.

5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.

6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.

7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.

8. Brush.

9. Floss.

10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.”

11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.

12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it?  See #3.

13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)

14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.

15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.

16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.

17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!

18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.

19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.

20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.

21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.

22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.

23.  Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.

24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.

25. Don’t forget to call me on Mother’s Day 🙂

What advice do you have for 20-Somethings? Let us know!

GIRLS on HBO – Hilarious opening scene with 20-Something and her parents:

GREAT article – What Is It About 20-Somethings?

By ROBIN MARANTZ HENIG  August 18, 2010  The New York Times

Say cheese! Snap, snap, snap!  Pictures from the road…

Hilarious!

Caught Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” show at the Victoria Theatre in Dayton, OH.  She’s touring the country, you’ll love it. Based on her book.

One World Trade Center

NYC. Shot this pic from a cemetery at a church east of Ground Zero. It is the new One World Trade Center, now taller than the Empire State Building.

The Statue of Advertising

Selling light bulbs. And not even those twisty, super expensive ones.

Yum!

Give me your tired, your poor, your licorice lovers. Thank you Twizzler, very cool.

I’m suggesting an alternate name for this restaurant – “Sick Real Quick”

Disclaimer: Just kidding, I actually ate at this restaurant, it’s great! It’s in a Manhattan neighborhood dubbed “Curry Hill.”

The famous Woolworth Building on lower Broadway. Stay out. Dogs and actors, too.

Homeless on Wall Street. Don’t you love irony? I know you do.

Facial napkins (aka Kleenex) made from counterfeit hundred dollar bills. Just what I need when my allergies are flaring. Hmm, the dollar is pretty low – maybe these are real bills?

Map it!

Who needs a subway map or an iPhone APP when you’re wearing these nifty flip-flops?

Charming and funny play “Love, Loss, and What I Wore” by Nora Ephron & Delia Ephron based on the charming book by (you guessed it!) the charming Ilene Beckerman.

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Promotional image (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

THANK YOU ERMA!

We baby boomers share a common “Mirth Mother” in beloved humorist and best selling author Erma Bombeck.

We were weaned on Erma’s wise and witty columns via newspaper clippings that our mothers proudly posted on the refrigerator door (this served as a blog in ancient times.)

While many of our mothers were marginalized by stunted cultural expectations and a crying lack of opportunity, Erma broke through those prickly barriers of her day with brilliant humor and unforgettable humanity to provide Mom with a powerful voice and much needed comic relief.

Sweetly subversive and hot damn hilarious, Erma poked enormous fun at the absurdity of women’s lives yet clearly valued parenting, marriage, and the vital importance for us all to fulfill our potential.

Erma epitomized “The One Who Does It All” – successful career, happy family – not to mention fame and fortune – all while being incredibly funny and (genuinely) nice. No small feat, but a worthy goal!

Let us thank “Erma Bombeck, Mirth Mother“ for blessing us with the inspiration, the role model and the legacy of laughter.  (Now sit up straight and stop chewing with your mouth open!)

Barb Best

 

Barb Best, 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner

 

Erma Bombeck Museum

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

 

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I love holidays. They have the power to distract from the humdrum that is perhaps  99.9999% of our lives.

Take a regular, run-of-the-mill day or month, proclaim it a holiday, and presto – it’s special. It instantly becomes blog fodder, a popular theme for school activities, a reason to party, and a barrel of marketing opportunities.

Photo Credit: The Carmel Institute of Humor

In case you missed it,

April is the 36th Anniversary

of National Humor Month.

“National Humor Month was founded in 1976 by best-selling humorist Larry Wilde, Director of The Carmel Institute of Humor. It is designed to heighten public awareness on how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality of one’s life.”

It is fitting that April, the clammy month that begins with a spirit of play on April Fool’s Day and includes the dreaded April 15th, Tax Day, celebrate comic relief.

Research studies claim the physical, psychological, and social benefits of humor are tremendous. But have you heard the latest – that humor is an aphrodisiac?

Zoosk “National Humor Month” Survey Finds Humor is An Aphrodisiac – MarketWatch.

“Is that a joke or are you just glad to see me?”

What is your favorite holiday?

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What goes up…

Heard of inversion therapy for stress reduction and other health benefits?

Otherwise known as… standing on your head.

These boots are made for falling!

• I was going to get a breast lift, but I decided it would be more fun to just stand on my head.  Hanging upside down is a great way to look years younger!

• Thanks to gravity, I dropped 25 pounds in one week – my breasts fell from                     up < HERE > to down < HERE >

• My body has dropped so much, I have calluses on my tits.

The most famous New Year’s Eve DROP is the 11,875 pound geodesic sphere

that descends the flagpole at One Times Square in Manhattan.  The Ball, 12

feet in diameter, has 2,688 crystal triangles bolted to 672 LED modules

which are attached to the aluminum frame of the Ball.

19 Feb

Credit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

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Gotta love romance in advertising.  Sweet talk seduces us.

This sharp little Mini Cooper S Convertible is officially “Champagne“ colored.

Topless!

However accurate they may be, the words “Beige,” “Fungus,” and “Urine” don’t seem to have the same attraction as “Champagne.”

I hope the paint doesn’t have a lot of bubbles in it.

I’ll bet it’s really easy to get a DUI in this  car.

Cruising topless in your champagne colored car = joy ride.

“Passion” perfume.

Credit: Californiaperfumes.com

Names like “Bonking,” “Boffing,” or “Horny” don’t hold the same power or charm as “Passion,” do they?

“Kiss.”

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Obviously, “Kiss” says it better than “peck,” “canoodle,” or “buss.”

Hershey

Hershey “Pecks?” “Smooches?” “Osculations?” No thank you.

Paris Hilton “Tease.”

Credit: Cupidspulse.com

“Tease” says it better than “Shallow,” “Ditzy,” or “Silly Billy.”  Smells like… money!

“My Funny Valentine” available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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In dire economic times, professionals may employ downright crazy strategies to save (steal) money.

A penny saved is worth five to fifteen in the slammer.

According to the Associated Press, 1-24-12:

“A former dentist in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals. Authorities say instead of stainless steel posts for root canals, he used sections of paper clips — which can cause pain and even infection — in an effort to save money.”

Root canal is bad enough… without your endodontist cutting (no pun, ouch) corners in such a tawdry fashion. Instead…

Couldn’t he have just cancelled some of those swanky magazine subscriptions?

Or sell the flat screen TV in the waiting room? Not necessary! Nobody’s looking at it. Everybody has their head up focused on their cell phones.

Maybe cut down on the annoying muzak in the examining rooms? Man, we’re nervous enough.

Wax his own damn moustache?

This won’t hurt a bit!

Not pick up the tab for his perky, big boobed receptionist’s weekly manicures?

Engage in some serious extreme couponing like everyone else?

Oy, I wonder… Did he also recycle the bloody gauze from patients’ mouths?

Did he instruct his patients to bring their own water to rinse?

Stock up on his instruments from this guy?

If you’d like to indulge your paranoia over dentists, check these entertaining gems out:

http://youtu.be/bOtMizMQ6oM

Images: Barb Best and Wikimedia Commons.

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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Good luck, honey!

1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

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