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Weekend Funny 5

7 Sep

It’s hot! Molly Campbell has a funny new book out “Characters In Search of A Novel.” Get it HERE

The New Yorker: Test Your Fashion I.Q. with Paul Rudnick

Hilarious post “Stuff People Say To New Moms” by “occasional optimist” Laura at Stroller Parking Only

Mental Floss: “17 Euphemisms for SEX From The 1880s” by Adrienne Crezo.  Clever!

Loretta LaRoche and “The Power of Humor” by Dr. Mehmet Oz at Oprah.com

BarbBestHumor

 

 

 

 

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I Feel Your “Back To School” Pain

5 Sep

According to top Health and Wellness Coaches Debbie Schroeder and Lynn Smith in their report 10 ENERGY ZAPPERS and How To Eliminate Them,

“Watching TV can lead to fatigue. The rapid cuts and edits shift your orienting response into overdrive, which leads to fatigue.”  Phooey, I say!

What causes fatigue? Working a job in your kid’s classroom!

It’s elementary, my dear room mother

backtoschool

Dear Ms. Yokelclinger,

I’m happy as Planter’s Punch you are my kid’s teacher this year. I look forward to working like a dog breaking labor laws volunteering tirelessly in the classroom. After a seemingly endless summer keeping my kids entertained, hydrated, fed, culturally stimulated, lathered with sunscreen, and blooming like buttercups, I’m really thrilled to tears to be your complete and total slave parent helper.

Because I am deliriously dedicated to my child’s education, I will be on call 24-7 should you need anything. I love to stay up ’til 4:00 a.m. doing my own work so during the day I can organize your friggin’ field trip to the friggin’ moth museum, construct the goat cart for the Kwanzaa harvest, and cook 15 dozen gluten-free, apple crumb cupcakes for Earth Day.

How precious it is that you observe so fully every idiotic holiday known to mankind and that you do it via artsy fartsy crafting. Martha Stewart would be proud of your intent, but disapproving of the grossly inferior quality you inspire.

Because I’m not fully satisfied by the joy of supervising my kids’ tedious home work, running migraine-inducing carpools, making “healthy” lunches my kids won’t chuck in the nearest dumpster, snack preparation, clothing coordination, and insisting upon occasional baths… I give myself to you.

As your unpaid assistant, I will not expect any perks, nor will my child receive any special privileges like a pass on a particularly pesky pop quiz or those God-awful push-ups in gym class. I will not, for a moment, resent your generous benefits, union protections, plum pension, or the ultimate gift – the gift of time – yes, every summer off.

If for some reason you can’t reach me (say, around mid-November or early December), I’ll be in Rehab.

Warm Fuzzies,  Your Dutiful Room Parent

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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20 Tips From My Teen

21 Aug

Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Weekend Funny 5

10 Aug

As if Martha Stewart and Katie Couric were not entertaining enough at BlogHer ’12 in NYC…

5 new friends and 5 FUNNY blogs!

BlogHer “Voice of the Year” in HUMOR!  Congrats to SHARI at DUSTYEARTHMOTHER!

PAULINE at ASPIRINGMAMA

NICOLE at NINJAMOM blog

MISSY at MISSINDEEDY

JEN at PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

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Martha Stewart On YouTube

7 Aug

Martha Stewart has a VERY entertaining and informative “The Official Martha Stewart YouTube Channel”  Check it out!

Martha on the pole, you asked for it.

 

Who needs the Olympics?

With Fred Armisen of SNL and Portlandia.

 

Comedienne Susie Essman.

With her friend Nora Ephron.

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

Related articles

 

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BlogHer ’12

31 Jul

DO THE MATH!

4,000 bloggers, 3800 of them women, 3 days, 5 billion cups of coffee, 10 million chocolate chip cookies, 2500 pairs of Spanx, 6600 sore feet, 3500 PMS cravings, 7500 killer cramps, 1,200,000 clever business cards, hundreds of dozens of deals, a multitude of parties, enough swag to fill five aircraft carriers, enough estrogen and “you go girl” power to charge India’s electricity grid.

ANY advice?  Survival tips?

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Weekend Funny 5

20 Jul

It’s the weekend again.  We all need a break.

5 quick links for you:

“Celebrity Smile”

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Weekend Funny 5

13 Jul

Check out the FUNNY Dana Leipold at Random Chick. You’ll love her Vlogs on dieting.

 

Short & Sweet, CLEVER podcasts by Sandra Tsing Loh HERE

 

 

 

 

 

GUFFAWS galore! New Yorker Ivy Eisenberg, a writer and performer, has an NSNC award-winning blog:

 

Mobile technology addicted?  Aren’t we all?  Courtney Batzofin at Hello Giggles  You gotta love a writer with a Twitter handle @miserywench.

 

“I Liked The Kitty” by cartoon editor Bob Mankoff at THE NEW YORKER magazine.

 

 

The New Yorker

The New Yorker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

 

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I Feel Your Pain

10 Jul

July is National Boredom Month, and so I celebrate boredom. Come on, cultivate your ennui.

And may the force be with you.

BarbBestHumorBlog

Arrrgh!

If you are feeling bored lately, here are 7 HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS to shake ya outta that weary funk:

 

1.   READ A BOOK.  WTF why not – How ’bout a clever book about boredom?

ANATOMY OF BOREDOM – Boredom: A Lively History by Peter Toohey (via BrainPickings!)

 

2.   PLAY OLD SCHOOL SCRABBLE – or a “bored game” of your choice – ‘TIL YOUR EYES BLEED or ‘TIL NOBODY IN YOUR FAMILY IS SPEAKING TO YOU.

 

BarbBest

 

3.    Catch up with the 21st century. Go electronic with Scrabble Flash.

 

4.   DRINK, preferably with friends (FB friends don’t count) and when in a jolly mood. Wine away.

PhotobyBarbBest

 

5.   Join a club. Hmmm, here’s one!

 

7.   HIT the “celebrity news.” Reading about how bored senseless Paris Hilton and/or Lindsay Lohan are – with all their money, glam, beauty, youth, personal assistants, movie star friends, toys, talents, trainers, and resources – will help you focus on your own blessings…

like “Thank God, I can’t afford a cocaine habit,” or “Good thing I don’t have to worry about totaling my Porsche Carrera 997 S,” or “Darn, I don’t have anything to wear to my court appearance today.”

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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