Archive | Humor RSS feed for this section

Do The Thanksgiving Math

20 Nov

 

Home Is Where The Wine Heart Is

Thanksgiving = 2 Much Food 4 Most Every 1

From The New York Times by Tara Parker Pope:

“The commonly cited statistic is that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving Day alone. That’s according to the Calorie Control Council,”

Calories Schmalories!  Who’s counting anyway?

SO GLAD I REFUSE TO BE AVERAGE!!!  4500 calories?  Sum 1 isn’t trying very hard!

* Happy Thanksgiving to all *

Enhanced by Zemanta

Sex Scandal: Blame it on the Beret

13 Nov

 

Damn those French and their silly berets.

The beret is no doubt a conspiracy to topple the higher echelons of the United States government via sex scandals.

First… Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton.

 

beret

Great head hat, Monica!

 

 

Now it’s General David Petraeus and Paula Broadwell.

 

Beret

Check out my big stars, Paula!

 

Berets have long been a tool for seduction. Just ask Zee French!

 

BarbBest

Je t’aime!

 

When not seducing the lust challenged, berets have an uncanny ability to annoy.

 

beret

Oui, Oui! I have 10 berets!

 

Do not blame it on the bossa nova or Bush!  Blame it on the beret.

beret |bəˈrā|
noun
a round flattish cap of felt or cloth.
ORIGIN early 19th cent.: from French béret ‘Basque cap,

Enhanced by Zemanta

Health & Humor

7 Nov

Feeling stressed?

Battered by Frankenstorm?

Fatigued from all the election hullabaloo?

I feel your pain. Laughter will soothe you, and maybe get you through November’s other Fun Fest – “open enrollment” for health insurance.

Here is a collection of humor on health by a bunch of entertaining comedy writers that will cheer you up!

I have an essay in it called “Your Recent Stay With Us.” It concerns a hospital stay. You will relate.

 

HumorAnthology

Fun! Fun! Fun!

 

The ebook is available on Amazon for $2.99 – do it for your health.

 

MyMajorMedical

 

Your liver and your pancreas will thank you.

 

 

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

A NON-POLITICAL ELECTION YEAR QUIZ

1 Nov

JUST FOR FUN – A QUIZ


  • Ÿ  You love babies…  a) Of course! The more the merrier.  b) Anywhere, but sitting near me on an airplane  c) Only if they are four-legged  d) I prefer them in the womb  e) Sure, they make great props for campaign photo opps
  • Ÿ  Food stamps are…  a) A lifesaver for those in need  b) Handy for buying Life Saver candies and cigarettes  c) Rather tasty  d) Fattening  e) A bonanza for fraud
  • Ÿ  A full-time job is…  a) a colossal pain in the ass  b) Something I kind of miss  c) Fine if it doesn’t interfere with my FaceBook time  d) What the government owes us  e) An essential part of The American Dream in this exceptional country!
  • Ÿ  My retirement fund is…  a)  A victim of chronic abuse  b) Missing In Action  c) What retirement fund?  d) Not enough for my cat to live on for a month  e) Tied to a Golden Parachute
  • Ÿ  An AK-47 is…  a) A legal firearm  b) A lubricant  c) A complicated tax form  d) Something obscene that should be banned from the planet!  e) Standard issue with drivers’ licenses in Texas

 

 🙂 Aren’t you glad the election is over in less than a week?

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

Enhanced by Zemanta

Weekend Funny 5 Spooky News

26 Oct

No news is good news…

Warnings after chipmunk diagnosed with plague

By AP News  Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Convulsing chipmunks! I always knew camping was bad for you.

 

82-year-old woman suing Trader Joe’s after a can of tuna hit her in head

The New York Post By KATHIANNE BONIELLO   Posted: October 21, 2012

Was it something she said?

 

Drunk Shopping: Are You Guilty of SUI (Shopping Under The Influence)?

The Huffington Post  |  By     Posted: 10/26/2012 8:23 am EDT

Friends don’t let friends drink and click.

 

How clever is this T-Shirt? I love Mental Floss!

 

The Putin ad (that came before the Lena Dunham‘s “The First Time”)

Cool or creepy?

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Sleep Hotel

23 Oct

Do you get enough sleep?

If you don’t, I feel your pain.

Poor Michael Jackson.  All he wanted was a darn nap.

In my endless pursuit of more and better quality sleep, I have a new fantasy which involves Cyprus and a five star hotel.

Yes – that Cyprus!

THE Sleep Hotel

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Snarky Tips from My Teen

15 Oct

Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.


Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Weekend Funny 5 – 100 Fast & Funny One-liners eBook Trailer

5 Oct

What’s 1) short and sweet 2) fast and funny 3) a collection of one-liners and quotes on love, sex, life, pain, health, aging  4) like a friggin’ box of tasty truffles but less fattening and only $2.99 on Amazon for heaven’s sake 5) an “entertaining little ebook you will treasure!”

100 Fast & Funny: Ha-Musings by Barb Best

Snap your copy up at Amazon <HERE>  Thanks 🙂

  • Phyllis Diller’s Lessons for Funny Ladies
Enhanced by Zemanta

7 Health Questions You Need To Know the Answer to NOW

2 Oct

TRUE or FALSE:

 

1. It’s not good to eat foods you can’t pronounce. So avoid stuff like quinoa, shitakes, bok choy, and radicchio.

 

2. A banana makes a perfectly fine antacid.  Peel first.

 

3. Doctors suggest you sniff rosemary to boost your memory and sharpen your test-taking skills. However, ask Rosemary first. “No” means “No Way, Jose!”

 

4. Garlic is the new black. Wear it liberally to boost your immunity, especially against communicable diseases.

 

5. Get a daily massage. It may not improve your health, but it sure feels great.

 

6. For severe digestive upsets, soak naked in zucchini hummus ’til you reek of body odor for a week. Works every time.

 

7. Duct tape works nicely to eliminate bulbous pimples and unsightly warts. Apply on eyes. Also effective for ear dandruff and nose eczema.

 

All are true. Would I lie?

 

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

Enhanced by Zemanta

Boo! Who’s Your Dog Gonna Be for Halloween?

25 Sep

BarbBestHumor

Ain’t I sassy?

 

Before the charcoal on the Labor Day barbecue grill cools, we are bombarded by… ARRGH!

HALLOWEEN.

Orange and black invade the retail world. Pumpkins, creepy decorations, and a zillion bags of over-priced CANDY block the aisles of every store – including the pet store.

Which brings us to the burning question – who’s your dog gonna be for Halloween?

And when did dogs start wearing Halloween costumes anyway?

Do they even like dressing up? (I thought that was more of a cat thing.)

Will Lucky really feel deprived if he misses out on all the Halloween fun – the sugar high, the gobbling of chocolate bars with wrappers, the neighbor’s bullhorn, the vomiting, being freaked out by the Doberman donning the tutu and fake eyelashes?

Is your dog going “trick or treating?”

Do I need to have special doggie treats on hand?

And how will I explain this canine indulgence to my cat?

What do you think? Please advise 🙂

 

Enhanced by Zemanta