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Dear Boss: 7 Reasons I’m Taking Friday and Monday Off

21 Jul

SUBJECT: Playing Hooky  Goofing Off  Planned Absences

TO:  Kyle Flicker

General Manager

Misery Productions

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Boss: Planned Absences

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Flicker,

I’d like to share with you a few bulls*!t excuses I’ve concocted for my impending absences from work.

  • My life coach insists I have a minimally invasive craniotomy done this Saturday. This is scheduled after my boozy, trans fat-laden brunch and before a round or two of miniature golf with the neighborhood children. Chances are I’ll be gaga on opioids for a few days. Trust me. You won’t want me anywhere near the company spreadsheets.

 

  • I’m celebrating “Cinnabon Day” and the Krispy Kreme “Buy a Dozen, Get a Dozen Free” promotion. This religious observance should take me several days to participate in and to recover from. If you’d like further documentation from my gastroenterologist or spiritual advisor, please let me know.

 

  •  I’m rolling out “those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. Those days of soda and pretzels and beer.” It’s my civic duty.

 

  • My therapy dog, Bubbles, appears to have worms. Not a pretty sight! The veterinarian is expecting us for a lengthy appointment and anal exam. Family first.

 

  • I’m grievously behind in my Netflix commitment. Gotta catch up to get my $9.99 a month’s worth.

 

  • I must make use of a personal care day, plus a vacation day to attend to a personal issue. The issue? I have no personal life. I need to find one before I don’t care anymore. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

 

  • Taking time off for bed rest to read these hilarious humor books…

 

I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere but the Pool  – Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

We Are Never Meeting in Real Life  – Samantha Irby

The Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody for the Self-Absorbed  – Barb Best

Thanks for being so understanding about the absences!

Sincerely My Own Special Person,

Carrie M. Lennial

Sugar Crash: 7 Random Reflections Gleaned

7 Jul

 

Sugar

Life is sweet. And what’s more fun than a blood sugar crash at 3:00 a.m.?

Sleep Blood Sugar Crash

 7 Random Reflections Gleaned from My Nightly Blood Sugar Crash

  • Geez, my pancreas needs a fidget spinner.

[…]

Lizards Mating: 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

22 Jun

Lizards

Eidechse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Leaping Lizards! Yuck!

There is a lighter side to lizards… just watch them mate sometime.

7 Questions To Ask Yourself While Watching Lizards Mate

  • Isn’t nature amazing?

 

  • What – no foreplay?

[…]

La La Land June Gloom The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

10 Jun

An Excerpt from the humor book The Misery Manifesto

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorow?

In the United States, as in most of the sad world, you have weather. You have a variety of weather patterns and temperature changes, as well as four seasons. This isn’t the case in coastal Southern California. As you know, we’re special.

In Los Angeles, we have consistently perfect weather — sunny with temperatures in the seventies. It’s a truly reasonable climate that only the most miserable among us (usually transplanted New Yorkers) find unacceptable. These are the cranks who complain about unending sunshine and clear skies as if it’s a bad thing. “I miss the seasons,” they whine.

However, even for the easy to please, there is an ugly shoofly in The Endless Summer of SoCal . . . and that is the infamous “June Gloom.”

The Endless Summer

JUNE GLOOM

According to Wikipedia (who else?), June Gloom is “a weather pattern that results in cloudy, overcast skies with cool temperatures during the late spring and early summer, most commonly in the month of June.” (This is why it’s not called February Gloom.)

“Low-altitude stratus clouds are formed over the ocean, then transported over the coastal regions by the wind.”

Translation: June Gloom is a month-long period of fog and drizzle up the yahoo where you feel like an abuse victim in a never-ending Bergman movie. I call it “50 Shades of L.A. Gray.”

June Gloom should be a bona fide mental disorder ordained by the American Psychiatric Association. It’s Los Angeles’s version of a seasonal affective disorder.

[…]

My First 100 Days: Lots of Crying

29 Apr

My First 100 Days

Enough about Trump. Here’s what I did in my first 100 days.  Whaaa!

Barb Besy Humor My First 100 days

  • Exited my mother’s womb with a ton of fanfare. Actually, it was a bloodbath. Pretty gross. Extremely exhausting for Mom and me. Couldn’t wait to get cleaned up and grab a nap. Whew.

 

  • Cried. There’s lots of crying in the first 100.

 

  • Slept, mostly in spurts of a few hours here, a few hours there. Similar to how I do now.

[…]

Safety First: 7 Spring Break Safety Tips for Snowflakes

14 Apr

Spring is here.

Whoopee.

It has stopped snowing.

Whoopee.

The flowers are blossoming with a vengeance. […]

Happiness at School: Educator & Author Sue Stephenson

30 Mar

 

Happiness and Comedy

“Every bad or good thing can be turned into something funny.”

                                                                                                       – Daniel (student)  

Sue Stephenson

Educator, author, and Certified Laughter Leader Sue Stephenson believes in the power of laughter.

Seriously! She is helping students find their inner comedian. She is bringing fun to the classroom. She is using comedy in schools to promote literacy, well being, and mental health.

Sue Stephenson

The Happiness at School™ project

is the innovative school program using stand-up comedy that former principal Sue created and co-developed with comedians Kyle Woolven and Marc Hallworth […]

Video: How to Be Less Miserable in 39 Seconds

24 Mar

Parody = a humorously exaggerated imitation of (a writer, artist, or genre)

It’s time to have some fun with the self-help industry!

Available exclusively on Amazon http://amzn.to/2n8yaCF

 

 

Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody Book

17 Mar

 

Misery? It’s not merely a Stephen King novel.

Happiness? It’s not just a smiley face or an emoticon.

You don’t need another self-help book. They suck.

Instead, you need to laugh at your troubles. Kvetch and complain. Embrace the pain. Feel the joy.

Humor me…

My NEW humor book!!!  BUY HERE 🙂

[…]

I Got Baggage: Why My Purse Weighs 50 Pounds

4 Mar

WHY MY PURSE WEIGHS 50 FRIGGIN’ POUNDS

Why My Purse Weighs 50 Pounds

After all, isn’t a purse just an enabler for mobile hoarders?

I suppose my purse/bag would be lighter if these items were not in it?

  • Multiple lipsticks, concealers,  mascara, a tiny make-up guy.
  • A Six-Pack of emergency water bottles – an absolute necessity for survival if stuck in traffic during a heatwave during a SIG alert during an earthquake during a heart attack during a hurricane during a nuclear attack during a tsunami during a…

[…]

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