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Happy Whoop-di-doo Year

28 Dec

 

iStock_000021602220Medium

 

Time is the new money.

A special THANK YOU to all my readers and subscribers for your generosity!

Wishing you love, light, and LAUGHTER in the NEW YEAR.

See you in 2013.

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

 

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Merry Christmas!

24 Dec

Happy Holidays * Merry Christmas * Peace * Naps!

 

OrangeTabby

 

 

 

christmas paint

christmas paint (Photo credit: cassie_bedfordgolf)

 

 

 

 

 


Merry Christmas Darling

Merry Christmas Darling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

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7 Christmas Gifts I DON’T Want

18 Dec

 

What gifts don’t YOU want?

Rubik's Cube Collection

Rubik’s Cube Collection (Photo credit: Scarygami)

 

In the spirit of LESS materialism… Thank you, but please DON’T buy me the following:

*A sexy Santa gift… especially if I’ve been naughty. What’s with the “We wish you a slutty Xmas!” sentiment? Watch out – Frosty the Snowman is so hot and bothered, he may melt.

*An e-card with a slide share of cutesy farm animals singing Christmas carols. Stay out of my inbox! It’s messy enough in there. […]

Do The Thanksgiving Math

20 Nov

 

Home Is Where The Wine Heart Is

Thanksgiving = 2 Much Food 4 Most Every 1

From The New York Times by Tara Parker Pope:

“The commonly cited statistic is that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving Day alone. That’s according to the Calorie Control Council,”

Calories Schmalories!  Who’s counting anyway?

SO GLAD I REFUSE TO BE AVERAGE!!!  4500 calories?  Sum 1 isn’t trying very hard!

* Happy Thanksgiving to all *

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A NON-POLITICAL ELECTION YEAR QUIZ

1 Nov

JUST FOR FUN – A QUIZ


  • Ÿ  You love babies…  a) Of course! The more the merrier.  b) Anywhere, but sitting near me on an airplane  c) Only if they are four-legged  d) I prefer them in the womb  e) Sure, they make great props for campaign photo opps
  • Ÿ  Food stamps are…  a) A lifesaver for those in need  b) Handy for buying Life Saver candies and cigarettes  c) Rather tasty  d) Fattening  e) A bonanza for fraud
  • Ÿ  A full-time job is…  a) a colossal pain in the ass  b) Something I kind of miss  c) Fine if it doesn’t interfere with my FaceBook time  d) What the government owes us  e) An essential part of The American Dream in this exceptional country!
  • Ÿ  My retirement fund is…  a)  A victim of chronic abuse  b) Missing In Action  c) What retirement fund?  d) Not enough for my cat to live on for a month  e) Tied to a Golden Parachute
  • Ÿ  An AK-47 is…  a) A legal firearm  b) A lubricant  c) A complicated tax form  d) Something obscene that should be banned from the planet!  e) Standard issue with drivers’ licenses in Texas

 

 🙂 Aren’t you glad the election is over in less than a week?

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

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Boo! Who’s Your Dog Gonna Be for Halloween?

25 Sep

BarbBestHumor

Ain’t I sassy?

 

Before the charcoal on the Labor Day barbecue grill cools, we are bombarded by… ARRGH!

HALLOWEEN.

Orange and black invade the retail world. Pumpkins, creepy decorations, and a zillion bags of over-priced CANDY block the aisles of every store – including the pet store.

Which brings us to the burning question – who’s your dog gonna be for Halloween?

And when did dogs start wearing Halloween costumes anyway?

Do they even like dressing up? (I thought that was more of a cat thing.)

Will Lucky really feel deprived if he misses out on all the Halloween fun – the sugar high, the gobbling of chocolate bars with wrappers, the neighbor’s bullhorn, the vomiting, being freaked out by the Doberman donning the tutu and fake eyelashes?

Is your dog going “trick or treating?”

Do I need to have special doggie treats on hand?

And how will I explain this canine indulgence to my cat?

What do you think? Please advise 🙂

 

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I Feel Your “Back To School” Pain

5 Sep

According to top Health and Wellness Coaches Debbie Schroeder and Lynn Smith in their report 10 ENERGY ZAPPERS and How To Eliminate Them,

“Watching TV can lead to fatigue. The rapid cuts and edits shift your orienting response into overdrive, which leads to fatigue.”  Phooey, I say!

What causes fatigue? Working a job in your kid’s classroom!

It’s elementary, my dear room mother

backtoschool

Dear Ms. Yokelclinger,

I’m happy as Planter’s Punch you are my kid’s teacher this year. I look forward to working like a dog breaking labor laws volunteering tirelessly in the classroom. After a seemingly endless summer keeping my kids entertained, hydrated, fed, culturally stimulated, lathered with sunscreen, and blooming like buttercups, I’m really thrilled to tears to be your complete and total slave parent helper.

Because I am deliriously dedicated to my child’s education, I will be on call 24-7 should you need anything. I love to stay up ’til 4:00 a.m. doing my own work so during the day I can organize your friggin’ field trip to the friggin’ moth museum, construct the goat cart for the Kwanzaa harvest, and cook 15 dozen gluten-free, apple crumb cupcakes for Earth Day.

How precious it is that you observe so fully every idiotic holiday known to mankind and that you do it via artsy fartsy crafting. Martha Stewart would be proud of your intent, but disapproving of the grossly inferior quality you inspire.

Because I’m not fully satisfied by the joy of supervising my kids’ tedious home work, running migraine-inducing carpools, making “healthy” lunches my kids won’t chuck in the nearest dumpster, snack preparation, clothing coordination, and insisting upon occasional baths… I give myself to you.

As your unpaid assistant, I will not expect any perks, nor will my child receive any special privileges like a pass on a particularly pesky pop quiz or those God-awful push-ups in gym class. I will not, for a moment, resent your generous benefits, union protections, plum pension, or the ultimate gift – the gift of time – yes, every summer off.

If for some reason you can’t reach me (say, around mid-November or early December), I’ll be in Rehab.

Warm Fuzzies,  Your Dutiful Room Parent

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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Cool It

3 Jul

Have a cool July 4th!

 

 

Keep cool. Buy jewelry.

PhotCreditBarbBest

 

Be cool. Wear novelty glasses.

Be cool

 

Shoe cool. Kick up your heels.

barbbest

Red, white, and blue cool.  Add some color to your life.

Photo Credit: S Raga

 

Play it cool. Have Glee.

 

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What Women Want

6 Feb

 

Guns aren’t nice, so here’s a poem in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                              WHAT THE HELL DO WOMEN WANT ANYWAY?

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

I’ll tell you!

 

 

 

 

 

Kill the black widow spider

 

 

Smash the horse fly

 

 

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

 

 

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

 

 

 

 

 

Pulverize the prowler

 

 

In one Superman swoop,

 

 

No spurting blood

 

 

No cracking bones

 

 

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

 

 

No messes, but do it now.

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

I’ll tell you!

 

 

Purr like a kitten, tiger

 

 

Dance the Howdy Doody

 

 

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

 

 

Shower me with mortal sins.

 

 

 

 

 

Sail me love letters

 

 

In my alphabet soup

 

 

Stir it hard,

 

 

Use your imagination,

 

 

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

 

 

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

Most of all?

 

 

At least try to enthrall,

 

 

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

 

 

 

 

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

 

 

©2013, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

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New Year’s Heave

30 Dec

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mark Twain

Barb'sBlastHumorBlog

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

Barb Best Humor

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

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