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Death: Condolence Greeting Cards for Real Life

1 Nov

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Death: Condolence Cards for Real Life

There is considerable loss and misfortune in our daily lives. Perhaps mundane, and yet so tragic.

 

“Everyday a little death.”

– A Little Night Music

 

For your Comfort

My condolences on your recent disastrous coach flights through Cleveland and Newark and the loss of your luggage. That eclectic wardrobe of yours is… irreplaceable.

 

 

Condolence Cards Real Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In deepest sympathy on the demise of your classic vintage Baroque sofa.

Who knew a cute little puppy 🐶 could chew through an antique armrest that has been in the family for centuries and is practically a historical landmark.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Humor

 

 

 

 

On the passing of your five year old Frigidaire.  “They don’t make them like they used to!” says everyone over 45 years old.  Perhaps this is a sign? God is tempting you to enjoy more processed foods and take-out meals.  Appliance demise is often a mixed blessing.

 

 

Sorry to hear your best friend flaked out on you again. Another dental emergency? Who wanted to go on that dopey luxury European cruise anyway? Mamma Mia! Mamma Mia Here We Go Again!

 

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Good Help is Hard to Find

Sending you comfort as you process the neglect and desertion inflicted upon you by your trusted handyman. Anyone who can do the house stuff for you is marriage material. Lots of luck on your search – you’ll need it.

 

 

The Glass is Half Full

 

In deepest sympathy on the loss of your marbles. Perhaps it is time to play with your food or your feet.
Thinking of you as we all lose our memories – day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute… WTF I forget the next one.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to Heal

Sorry you’re going through this fresh hell. Nobody deserves this agony.  Wishing your internet connection a speedy recovery.
Carol Burnett

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

1 Oct

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

Neighbors? Anything but Bores on Nextdoor

Neighbors Nextdoor

 

NEIGHBOR is defined as

One who lives near or next to another

A fellow human

A fellow human! This covers every imaginable sort of person of interest under the sun.

Every stripe and strain from “Miss Congeniality” to “FBI’s Most Wanted”

Saints, sinners, helpers,

Freaks, fools and tools,

Lovers and haters.

AND they are all on the online Nextdoor platform – the popular social networking service for neighborhoods.

Nextdoor seems to have an attraction for the “Karens” and the trolls.

 

Neighbors Nextdoor

Love Thy Neighbor

 

[…]

Groundhog Day: The Date, The Movie, The Legend

2 Feb

Groundhog Day: The Date, The Movie, The Legend

Groundhog Day

Ho Hum. February 2nd is Groundhog Day weather you like it or not.

The much maligned beaver and the irrelevant aardvark should have such marketing teams behind them.

BTW why doesn’t the groundhog have a mask on?

Is he alone on his laptop?

2021’s Groundhog Day will be virtual

When the groundhog sees his shadow, perhaps it’s merely the positioning of the TV cameras and lighting?

Comedy Classic

And yet, out of all the groundhog drivel, hype and hoopla exists a hilarious movie,

a comedy classic.

BILL MURRAY

 

Who needs Groundhog Day when you’ve got “Groundhog Day” the movie?

DUST OFF YOUR UKULELE

FYI FEBRUARY 2nd is also Play Your Ukulele Day

Who knew?

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/play-your-ukulele-day/

 

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

3 Jan

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

While contemplating goals and intentions for the new year 2021 (yawn),

I asked pals, “What have I and/or you accomplished in 2020?”

 

Dubious Achievements friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prolific artistic output?  A thick, juicy novel ripe with creative breakthroughs?

A slew of wonderful new paintings — like 83 year old David Hockney?

After a totally non-scientific study and truly shallow analysis…

Ta Da!

[…]

Pandemic Fatigue OR a Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

1 Dec

Pandemic fatigue has set in

According to the World Health Organization (WHO as in Dr. Who) pandemic fatigue is expressed by demotivation in adhering to “protective” orders, hopelessness and alienation.

Baby boomers, Millennials, Gens X, Y and Zers – all ages suffer from this malady.

Ironically, it causes exhaustion from not doing stuff.

We are tired of this.

Rumor has it PF is more contagious than Covid itself.

Regression Anybody?

 

Pandemic fatigue humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

A QUIZ FOR YOU

Are You Suffering from PF OR Are You A Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

 

  • I wear stained clothes everyday.
  • I take five naps a day.
  • I suck my shirt sleeve and gaze into the abyss.
  • I startle and screech when the dog barks.
  • I bawl my brains out uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
  • I let a few big, stinky ones rip while I drink my lunch.
  • I vomit my breakfast in the car on the way to pick up an antidiarrheal and a crate of Chux.
  • I curl up in a fetal position and grab my feet.
  • I suck my toes.
  • I babble to the cat.
  • I suck my fingers and stick them in the nearest electrical outlet.
  • I cry for mommy. I cry for daddy. I cry for the Amazon Prime delivery person.

 

pandemic fatigue humor
laughing pandemic fatigue humor
Pandemic fatigue humor

If you answered “No” to  1-12 questions, you’re a baby! Goo Gaa!

If you answered “Yes” to  1-12 questions, you have a bad case of PF AND you’re a big, fat baby!

Either way, you will grow stronger from this nightmare and smile someday.

Pandemic fatigue sucks.

HO HO HO!!!

IT’S DECEMBER – DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MASK of JOY IS?

THE ONLY SELF-HELP GUIDE YOU WILL NEED FOR THE NEW YEAR!

THE MISERY MANIFESTO – A MONTH-TO-MONTH SURVIVAL GUIDE

 

Kindle e-book and paperback
https://amzn.to/3lr4Wf5

 

Holidays: ‘Tis the Season to Survive the Stress

April Fools Sh*t Show: National Humor Month

1 Apr

April Fools Sh*t Show: National Humor Month

Welcome to the April Fools Sh*t Show

OMG. A pandemic!

And you thought the worst thing about April would be paying your taxes?

 

April Fools Pandemic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case we all missed it, National Humor Month is here.  Whoopee!

How to celebrate?

How ’bout a month of lock-down, confinement with family and pets (if you’re lucky), unparalleled gut-wrenching anxiety, and mindless navel gazing?

A Sh*tstorm

is “a very unpleasant or difficult situation.”

Ah, don’t you love British understatement?

Patience

Remember – “April showers hitting the fan may bring May flowers and nagging allergies.”

Amusement & Good News

It’s high time to add some amusement to the misery.

Check out John Krasinski and his Good News

 

 

Look, ma! Disney Amusement Park rides on YouTube! And no lines!

 

Be patient and don’t become a patient.

News to Amuse – 7 Items that Won’t Stress You Out

Worry Warts: What to Kvetch About in 2020

5 Jan

What to Worry About in 2020

Do you worry?
Just in case you need some assistance in thinking up fresh new things to worry about…
I am at your service.
Worry Warts Humor

 

I overthink. I fret. I ruminate. Yes, I engage in tireless philosophical inquiry – so you don’t have to.
Here is my list for the new year.
Knock yourself out!
Enjoy!

 

*******************

 

New Year, New Worries, Anxieties, and Fears

 

  • Porch Pirates  Beware, Matey – even if you don’t have a porch. BTW this is a shadow industry of Amazon Prime.
  • Gluten-free everything
  • World War III
  • THE election
  • Your friends are going all Marie Kondo on you.  So much for “Shop ’til You Drop” trips to the Mall.
  • Boomers are blowing their retirement savings on pot, hips, and knees
  • Alien abductions caught on doorbell cams
  • Wood-inspired flooring   Knock on wood. Is there a shortage of real wood?
  • You don’t have the new iPhone and you never will.
  • Neo-tribal tattooing
  • Fake food like bone broth oatmeal, collagen-spiked mocktails, celeriac kombucha tacos,  and plant-based faux cheese burgers.  Hold the fries.  Better yet, hold your nose.
  • You don’t own a single slice of Apple stock  🙁

 

worry warts new year humor

 

Bonus * Insights for 2020

  • The ink that is no longer being used to print books… now appears in the humongous tattoos on your neighbor’s humongous ass.
  • Suggested names for the next Kardashian baby: “Kash” “Ka-Ching” “Kitschy”
  • Again, who needs resolutions when you have worries?

 

Binge on Holiday Food: Death by Fruitcake

7 Dec

Holiday Food Binge: Death by Fruitcake

Want to die doing what you love? Eating!

How about binging on the irresistible holiday treats that are ubiquitous this time of year?

Four out of five sugar addicts agree – holiday food is the best way to go.

Death by fruitcake humor blog

 

Fruitcake Binge

Like ukulele music, you either love fruitcake or you hate it.

There are at least two ways to die via fruitcake. […]

PLAY: Word Lovers & Car License Vanity Plates

22 Nov

Play with Your Words

After all, what good is life if you can’t amuse yourself, play a game, have some fun?

Long Car Trips

According to the AAA, “49.3 million travelers will hit the road this Thanksgiving, the most since 2005 and 2.8% more than last year.”

So Where’s the FUN in sitting in the car for hours?

Thanksgiving word lovers license plates

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Word Lovers, FUN is Reading Car License Vanity Plates

The PLAY is in the PLATES 🙂

You’ll discover the expression of individual spirit, feelings, attitude, identity, creativity, humor, and style.

[…]

Leftover Halloween Candy: Come On, Be Creative!

5 Nov

Sweet!

Leftover Halloween Candy Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leftover Halloween Candy – Holiday Curse or Blessing?

Okay, you bought enough fertilizer-size bags of Halloween candy to feed an army of carpenter ants, but

… WHAT?

Only five lousy kids came to your door trick or treating…

and two of those were your own?

[…]