I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.

Yes, I refer to the gopher – that infuriating, beady-eyed rodent.

My heart stopped when I spotted that first heinous dirt mound near my prize-winning Kehr Hybrid azalea bushes in

my meticulously manicured front yard.  My busybody neighbor informed me the peculiar mound is due to a gopher.

“They can really destroy a lawn. Ha, Ha, Ha…” he needled me.

The stress and irritation of this creature invasion has catapulted me into a crisis:

Blood pressure higher than a kytoon, sleep tortured by ghosts of gophers past, present, and future, dirt-filled

fingernails gnawed to the bone, digestion disrupted, mental faculties in disarray, martini consumption and

general crankiness escalating off the charts.

I repeat. I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.

Being a thinking person at least occasionally, I pursue sound, logical approaches to the problem:

1. Trapping with artisan cheese
2. Flooding by garden hose
3. Water boarding
4. Smoke bombs
5. Elaborate fencing
6. Sonar repeller rods (a regrettable purchase from the captivating but essentially useless Sky Mall Catalog)
7. Death by dog (sicking our aging beagle Flopsie on the vile little bugger)
8. 100% Organic, gold-lined chemicals designed to euthanize the prickly pest (special precautions taken so I don’t kill my beloved cat… even though he treats me with all the respect offered a convicted sex offender)
9. Blasting mezzo-soprano Whitney Houston classics into the tunnel. Perhaps the piercing high notes will call him to Jesus?
10. Creative visualization – I imagine the gopher as road kill on my local interstate.

Nothing works.  I resort to sniveling, cajoling, begging, and sobbing. However, this hurts me with the kids as they sense incompetence and despair faster than they can hit the local “all-you-can-eat buffet.”

After five weeks of soul numbing failure to exterminate the furry little Fuhrer, I succumb to a pitcher of Orange Blossom (heavy on the sweet Vermouth) for divine inspiration.  Voila. I am struck with an answer so counter-intuitive yet brilliantly simple I want to scream.

Go with a Zen approach. Just “go for it.” Ohm. Peace envelops my entire being. Ohm. Ohm.

I accept you, oh measly gopher. Ohm.

Ohm. Ohm.

I am now “one” with my fuzzy friend. Amen.

Related articles

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• A Worthy Opponent

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• Whitney Houston’s final recording release.
• I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

Fun in the sun isn’t always fun.  A day at the beach can be more misery than merriment. And now they tell us sunscreen gives us cancer? Ain’t that sweet 🙂

My 15 summer bummers… What are yours?

1.   Swimsuit wardrobe malfunction when faking bravado on the Boogie Board

2.   Sunburn on private parts

3.   Younger, slimmer, and obviously richer women donning floss bikinis, spray tans, and serious diamond earrings

4.   Being buried in bacteria filthy, crab infested, scalding sand for the amusement and photo opp pleasure of loved ones

5.   People who use “summer” as a verb, but not “budget” as a verb

6.   A plethora of hideous tattoos scribbled on every hairy limb like graffiti on a sunset

7.   Blowing up that darn beach ball, feeling dizzy, maybe it’s a stroke

8.   That skanky fish smell that blows off the stagnant bay

9.   Jellyfish who stalk just you

10. Kids who whine “I’m bored” because you’re not entertaining them 24-7

11.  Dutifully applying and reapplying sunscreen only to find out it causes skin cancer – classic example of “Damn if you do, damn if you don’t!”

12.  Joggers impervious to triple digit temperatures

13.  Gnats in my mojito

14.  Listening to perfectly nice folks mispronounce “mojito”

15.  Shark attacks, guaranteed to spoil the mood!

Sharing is caring. WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER BUMMERS?

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• 
  I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Pain, of course, is relative.

Ouch!

Pain – the noun

1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has a severe pain in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer at work all day.”

“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”

“For monthly pain, Ashley downs half a bottle of Scotch.”

2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and squirrel virus.”

“Waiting for hours in this line at the DMV is killing me. Oh, the pain. ARRRGH!”

“Will the Kardashians ever stop inflicting such pain upon the culture and just drop off the damn planet?”

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3) An annoying or tedious, troublesome person or thing: “Kim’s a pain. Khloe’s a pain. Kourtney’s a pain. Kris IS a royal pain.”

4) Laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: “Great pains have been taken to cover the crimson, pulsing pimple on my nose.”

Pain – the verb

1) Cause mental or physical pain to: “It pains me to say this, but your butt looks humongous in those horizontal stripes.”

Pain – phrase

1) No pain, no gain:  “Suffering is necessary in order to achieve something such as losing that last 15 pounds, getting the kids to do their homework, and finishing this blog post on deadline.”

My favorite “pain.” Chocolat! Ah, oui.

pains au chocolat (Photo credit: LORO Languages Open Resources Online)

Great story about LUCILLE BALL and PAIN she suffered as a young adult:

*Lucille Ball: Comedienne and 

Rheumatoid Arthritis Sufferer

 Few People Realize That Lucille Ball Suffered With Rheumatoid Arthritis

By Carol Eustice, About.com Guide  (Updated October 18, 2011)

*The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter

Health Benefits of Laughter: Stress Relief, Immunity, and More

By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com Guide Updated January 10, 2011

• Scientists Finally Figure Out ‘Brain Freeze’(newser.com)

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• To avoid pain during an injection, look away(eurekalert.org)

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Copyright 2012, Barb Best

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

What goes up…

Heard of inversion therapy for stress reduction and other health benefits?

Otherwise known as… standing on your head.

These boots are made for falling!

• I was going to get a breast lift, but I decided it would be more fun to just stand on my head.  Hanging upside down is a great way to look years younger!

• Thanks to gravity, I dropped 25 pounds in one week – my breasts fell from                     up < HERE > to down < HERE >

• My body has dropped so much, I have calluses on my tits.

The most famous New Year’s Eve DROP is the 11,875 pound geodesic sphere

that descends the flagpole at One Times Square in Manhattan.  The Ball, 12

feet in diameter, has 2,688 crystal triangles bolted to 672 LED modules

which are attached to the aluminum frame of the Ball.

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Related articles

• MRI scan video shows female orgasm ‘illuminates’ every region of brain (news.bioscholar.com)
• X-ray images help create best Stradivarius rip-offs (newscientist.com)

Funny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d