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5 Flu Prevention Tips for Hypochondriacs & Moms

9 Oct

Are you a Worry Wart? A Grade A Hypochondriac? Or just a Mom Who Cares?

Afraid of getting the flu this year? Of course you are!

I feel your pain.

5 Flu Prevention Tips JUST for YOU!

 

  • Don’t shake hands with anyone. Pretend you’re Japanese and bow humbly from a distance.
  • Don’t touch elevator buttons, escalator handles, stair railings, or any of your kid’s clothing (especially shirt sleeves as they are SO often used as Kleenex) WITH YOUR HANDS. This will require you to be creative AND limber.
  • Bubble wrap your toddler on play dates. Also limits collateral damage of all sorts. Parents will love you.
  • If you even begin to feel slightly sick at work or at school, think Ferris Bueller. Better safe than sorry.
  • Avoid flying, especially in coach. Upgrade to First Class where you can minimize contact with scads of runny-nosed peeps – plus the free booze they give you will kill all kinds of nasty germs.

    This may prove to be a tad expensive – 3 or 4 times the coach fare. And that, my friends,  is nothing to sneeze at.

BarbBestHumor

 WTF?    $1239?  I’ll use a different credit card – Warren Buffet’s.

Do you have any flu prevention tips? Sharing is caring.

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7 Health Questions You Need To Know the Answer to NOW

2 Oct

TRUE or FALSE:

 

1. It’s not good to eat foods you can’t pronounce. So avoid stuff like quinoa, shitakes, bok choy, and radicchio.

 

2. A banana makes a perfectly fine antacid.  Peel first.

 

3. Doctors suggest you sniff rosemary to boost your memory and sharpen your test-taking skills. However, ask Rosemary first. “No” means “No Way, Jose!”

 

4. Garlic is the new black. Wear it liberally to boost your immunity, especially against communicable diseases.

 

5. Get a daily massage. It may not improve your health, but it sure feels great.

 

6. For severe digestive upsets, soak naked in zucchini hummus ’til you reek of body odor for a week. Works every time.

 

7. Duct tape works nicely to eliminate bulbous pimples and unsightly warts. Apply on eyes. Also effective for ear dandruff and nose eczema.

 

All are true. Would I lie?

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

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Weekend Funny 5 More Signs Death Is Near

28 Sep

5 More Signs “Death” Is Near!

1.  Location. Location. Location. You are reclining in a cozy donut pool float, gloriously buzzed on Jamaican rum cocktails, drifting in the balmy blue Caribbean… but a hungry shark has a hankering for your pricey, dutifully applied 70 SPF face lotion.

2.  Politics. You’ve stopped screaming like a banshee at the election year coverage on the cable news channels.

3.  Loss of thirst for your favorite wine, Chateau St. Jean French Chardonnay. Say it ain’t so.

4.  Sex. You no longer consider vaginal rejuvenation a viable option.

5.  Money. Compulsive couponing has lost its charm. You really can’t take that extra 15 cents with you? Damn.

7 Signs Death Is Near

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

HARO My Answer To A Stupid Vagina Question

12 Sep

Inspired by Naomi Wolf‘s controversial book, “Vagina: A New Biography,”

this is a real question from Monday’s HARO (Help A Reporter Out):

“Do You Have a Healthy Relationship With Your Vagina?” (Frugivore)

My response:

Thank you for asking! This is a question dear to my heart, “in-ny” belly button, and G Spot.

Oh yes, my vagina and I enjoy many lovely times together. We walk on the beach, we contemplate beautiful sunsets, we share moonlit dinners on the Palazzo. My goodness, we even shower together on a regular basis (wink, wink).

We rarely have cross words, however once a month things can get a little touchy. You know what I mean.

But most of the time, my vagina has a terrific sense of humor.  Why when I’m down, she makes me laugh.  She lifts me up.

Geez, the most awe-inspiring time we had was when we gave birth together! Wow! Hard to top that.

Maybe my vagina will write a memoir some day.  She’s actually quite gifted.  The title can be: “Vaginas Just Wanna Have Fun.”

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

More stupid questions – and stupid answers at stupidasssquestions.com

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A Study Guide for Your Middle School Kid Who Rocks!

28 Aug

Back to school. Exciting. Bittersweet. Often overwhelming.

This may help.

Students

 

Based on my experience…

Your kid doesn’t need a “Tiger Mom” to berate or shame him or her into being a good student.

They don’t need to be workaholics or spend all their time on homework, test prep, calculus or – God forbid – the violin!

All they need is a desire to succeed, positive motivation, respect, common sense and solid advice from a student who’s been there and done that – recently.

Help your kid!  Help yourself!

I recommend this down-to-earth study guide from Princeton University graduate Suzanne Raga in an easy to read and entertaining eBook.

*You can buy the eBook for $4.99 at Amazon and Barnes & Noble

http://yourockbook.wordpress.com/

FUNNY!   About (Late) Last Night: ‘Tiger Mother’ Amy Chua defends herself to Stephen Colbert [Video].

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Weekend Boomer Funny 5

24 Aug

5 Quickies… Aging is fun.  Here’s to your health!

What do you think of the name of this vitamin for boomer women 50+

Barb Best Humor

 

“Alive!”   Guess the one for women 60+ is called “Barely Alive?”

And the vitamin for 70+      “Alive & Kicking”

80+      “Lucky to be Alive”

90+      “More Dead than Alive”

Boomer News Baby!

And I thought I had a caffeine problem… A woman kills her husband with a coffee cup. Rather resourceful, but ouch. ABCNEWS 

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20 Tips From My Teen

21 Aug

Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Weekend Funny 5

6 Jul

Go to health!

Funny, entertaining, informative! Kansas City Parent Magazine humor writer and pediatric R.N.  Stacey Hatton at Nurse Mommy Laughs.    Much more fun than a hypodermic in the arse!  link

WeekendFunny5

 

Dreamless in Detroit? Narcoleptic in New York? Sleepless in Seattle? Take two romantic comedies, call me in the a.m.

 

Where the stars often lose their twinkle and die.  Lucille Ball, Danny Thomas, Martha Raye, Danny Kaye, Andy Kaufman, Frank Sinatra.

 

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

Barb Best Humor Blog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet you love Lucy, too. The Lucille Ball Festival of Comedy – August 1-5, 2012 in Jamestown, NY LUCY FEST

 

 

 

Zzzzzz.  I had a sleepover with a wad of multicolored wires and hot electrodes at the UCLA Sleep Disorders Lab.  Stay tuned.

Credit: sleep-debt.com

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I Feel Your Pain

12 Jun

When it comes to pain, death has to be way up there on the list.

Before you “check out” for good, check out this funny and touching collection of essays, EXIT LAUGHING: How Humor Takes the Sting Out of Death.

This remarkable anthology is edited by novelist Victoria Zackheim. I met Victoria last week at the Book Expo of America.  Her impressive bio is here.

The stories are profoundly life and laughter affirming.  Exit Laughing is available on Amazon. Enjoy!

 

Amazon Customer Review

5.0 out of 5 stars Laughing All The Way,June 11, 2012
This review is from: Exit Laughing: How Humor Takes the Sting Out of Death (Io) (Paperback)

Exit Laughing is a fascinating anthology. It lovingly takes on the subject of death with grace, courage, and (thank God!) humor. It’s this celebration of laughter, even in dying and death, that makes the book so remarkable. The essays are poignant, funny, and memorable. They demonstrate the life-affirming power of humor. A great collection edited by Victoria Zackheim.

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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