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20 Tips From My Teen

21 Aug

Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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Weekend Funny 5

6 Jul

Go to health!

Funny, entertaining, informative! Kansas City Parent Magazine humor writer and pediatric R.N.  Stacey Hatton at Nurse Mommy Laughs.    Much more fun than a hypodermic in the arse!  link

WeekendFunny5

 

Dreamless in Detroit? Narcoleptic in New York? Sleepless in Seattle? Take two romantic comedies, call me in the a.m.

 

Where the stars often lose their twinkle and die.  Lucille Ball, Danny Thomas, Martha Raye, Danny Kaye, Andy Kaufman, Frank Sinatra.

 

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

Barb Best Humor Blog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet you love Lucy, too. The Lucille Ball Festival of Comedy – August 1-5, 2012 in Jamestown, NY LUCY FEST

 

 

 

Zzzzzz.  I had a sleepover with a wad of multicolored wires and hot electrodes at the UCLA Sleep Disorders Lab.  Stay tuned.

Credit: sleep-debt.com

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I Feel Your Pain

12 Jun

When it comes to pain, death has to be way up there on the list.

Before you “check out” for good, check out this funny and touching collection of essays, EXIT LAUGHING: How Humor Takes the Sting Out of Death.

This remarkable anthology is edited by novelist Victoria Zackheim. I met Victoria last week at the Book Expo of America.  Her impressive bio is here.

The stories are profoundly life and laughter affirming.  Exit Laughing is available on Amazon. Enjoy!

 

Amazon Customer Review

5.0 out of 5 stars Laughing All The Way,June 11, 2012
This review is from: Exit Laughing: How Humor Takes the Sting Out of Death (Io) (Paperback)

Exit Laughing is a fascinating anthology. It lovingly takes on the subject of death with grace, courage, and (thank God!) humor. It’s this celebration of laughter, even in dying and death, that makes the book so remarkable. The essays are poignant, funny, and memorable. They demonstrate the life-affirming power of humor. A great collection edited by Victoria Zackheim.

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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Sparkle

5 Jun

I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.

Yes, I refer to the gopher – that infuriating, beady-eyed rodent.

 

My heart stopped when I spotted that first heinous dirt mound near my prize-winning Kehr Hybrid azalea bushes in

my meticulously manicured front yard.  My busybody neighbor informed me the peculiar mound is due to a gopher.

“They can really destroy a lawn. Ha, Ha, Ha…” he needled me.

The stress and irritation of this creature invasion has catapulted me into a crisis:

Blood pressure higher than a kytoon, sleep tortured by ghosts of gophers past, present, and future, dirt-filled

fingernails gnawed to the bone, digestion disrupted, mental faculties in disarray, martini consumption and

general crankiness escalating off the charts.

I repeat. I am determined that a pesky little critter the size of a penis will not get the best of me.

Being a thinking person at least occasionally, I pursue sound, logical approaches to the problem:

  1. Trapping with artisan cheese
  2. Flooding by garden hose
  3. Water boarding
  4. Smoke bombs
  5. Elaborate fencing
  6. Sonar repeller rods (a regrettable purchase from the captivating but essentially useless Sky Mall Catalog)
  7. Death by dog (sicking our aging beagle Flopsie on the vile little bugger)
  8. 100% Organic, gold-lined chemicals designed to euthanize the prickly pest (special precautions taken so I don’t kill my beloved cat… even though he treats me with all the respect offered a convicted sex offender)
  9. Blasting mezzo-soprano Whitney Houston classics into the tunnel. Perhaps the piercing high notes will call him to Jesus?
  10. Creative visualization – I imagine the gopher as road kill on my local interstate.

Nothing works.  I resort to sniveling, cajoling, begging, and sobbing. However, this hurts me with the kids as they sense incompetence and despair faster than they can hit the local “all-you-can-eat buffet.”

After five weeks of soul numbing failure to exterminate the furry little Fuhrer, I succumb to a pitcher of Orange Blossom (heavy on the sweet Vermouth) for divine inspiration.  Voila. I am struck with an answer so counter-intuitive yet brilliantly simple I want to scream.

Go with a Zen approach. Just “go for it.” Ohm. Peace envelops my entire being. Ohm. Ohm.

I accept you, oh measly gopher. Ohm.

Ohm. Ohm.

I am now “one” with my fuzzy friend. Amen.

My Summer Bummers

29 May

Fun in the sun isn’t always fun.  A day at the beach can be more misery than merriment. And now they tell us sunscreen gives us cancer? Ain’t that sweet 🙂

My 15 summer bummers… What are yours?

1.   Swimsuit wardrobe malfunction when faking bravado on the Boogie Board

2.   Sunburn on private parts

3.   Younger, slimmer, and obviously richer women donning floss bikinis, spray tans, and serious diamond earrings

4.   Being buried in bacteria filthy, crab infested, scalding sand for the amusement and photo opp pleasure of loved ones

5.   People who use “summer” as a verb, but not “budget” as a verb

6.   A plethora of hideous tattoos scribbled on every hairy limb like graffiti on a sunset

7.   Blowing up that darn beach ball, feeling dizzy, maybe it’s a stroke

8.   That skanky fish smell that blows off the stagnant bay

9.   Jellyfish who stalk just you

10. Kids who whine “I’m bored” because you’re not entertaining them 24-7

11.  Dutifully applying and reapplying sunscreen only to find out it causes skin cancer – classic example of “Damn if you do, damn if you don’t!”

12.  Joggers impervious to triple digit temperatures

13.  Gnats in my mojito

14.  Listening to perfectly nice folks mispronounce “mojito”

15.  Shark attacks, guaranteed to spoil the mood!

Sharing is caring. WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER BUMMERS?

 

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Pain: Everything You Need To Know

15 May

 

Pain, of course, is relative.

 

barbbest.com

Ouch!

Pain – the noun

1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has a severe pain in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer at work all day.”

“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”

“For monthly pain, Ashley downs half a bottle of Scotch.”

2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and squirrel virus.”

“Waiting for hours in this line at the DMV is killing me. Oh, the pain. ARRRGH!”

“Will the Kardashians ever stop inflicting such pain upon the culture and just drop off the damn planet?”

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

3) An annoying or tedious, troublesome person or thing: “Kim’s a pain. Khloe’s a pain. Kourtney’s a pain. Kris IS a royal pain.”

4) Laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: “Great pains have been taken to cover the crimson, pulsing pimple on my nose.”

Pain – the verb

1) Cause mental or physical pain to: “It pains me to say this, but your butt looks humongous in those horizontal stripes.”

Pain – phrase

1) No pain, no gain“Suffering is necessary in order to achieve something such as losing that last 15 pounds, getting the kids to do their homework, and finishing this blog post on deadline.”

My favorite “pain.” Chocolat! Ah, oui.

pains au chocolat

pains au chocolat (Photo credit: LORO Languages Open Resources Online)

 

Great story about LUCILLE BALL and PAIN she suffered as a young adult:

*Lucille Ball: Comedienne and 

Rheumatoid Arthritis Sufferer

 Few People Realize That Lucille Ball Suffered With Rheumatoid Arthritis

By Carol Eustice, About.com Guide  (Updated October 18, 2011)

*The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter

Health Benefits of Laughter: Stress Relief, Immunity, and More

By , About.com Guide Updated January 10, 2011

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Copyright 2012, Barb Best

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

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Hanging Out

29 Mar

What goes up…

Heard of inversion therapy for stress reduction and other health benefits?

Otherwise known as… standing on your head.

 

 

These boots are made for falling!

 

 

  • I was going to get a breast lift, but I decided it would be more fun to just stand on my head.  Hanging upside down is a great way to look years younger!

 

 

 

 

 

  • Thanks to gravity, I dropped 25 pounds in one week – my breasts fell from                     up < HERE > to down < HERE >

 

  • My body has dropped so much, I have calluses on my tits.

 

 

Times Square Ball (Photo credit: Atomische • Tom Giebel)

Times Square Ball

The most famous New Year’s Eve DROP is the 11,875 pound geodesic sphere

that descends the flagpole at One Times Square in Manhattan.  The Ball, 12

feet in diameter, has 2,688 crystal triangles bolted to 672 LED modules

which are attached to the aluminum frame of the Ball.

 

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 


 

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Let There be Light

6 Dec

“Popular Science” doesn’t have to be an oxymoron.
Exciting, entertaining, and even sexy news emerges daily from the bright world of scientific innovation. For instance:
From The Washington Post – How to de-stress law school students before exams?  Puppies!
Equal time for cats (or cat scans) of course.

Here’s a fish that must be low in calories. What is an x-ray fish, you may ask?  Why, here is a brief description: ehow.com

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?”
“A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds.”

ScienceShot: Human Hearts Beat Together  by Meghan Rosen  http://bit.ly/vbQLmX

Saved the best for last.  Here’s a HOT news flash:

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Enhanced by ZemantaFunny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d