Barb Best

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

While contemplating goals and intentions for the new year 2021 (yawn),

I asked pals, “What have I and/or you accomplished in 2020?”

Prolific artistic output?  A thick, juicy novel ripe with creative breakthroughs?

A slew of wonderful new paintings — like 83 year old David Hockney?

After a totally non-scientific study and truly shallow analysis…

Ta Da!

The Results! Winning!

Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

• I started and cultivated a new hobby – an enviable collection of stylish and uncomfortable face masks and – who knew – a fashion accessory fetish.

• Gained 5 (or so, but who’s counting?) pounds

• Learned to bake a killer sourdough bread. I hate sourdough bread. It’s sour!

• Subscribed to Netflix, Dash, Hello Fresh, Uber Eats and YouTube Premium.

• Burned out a toaster oven and a knee.

• Reached Level 555 on Words With Friends. Woo Hoo!

• Watched 5,725 hours of Netflix TV shows – and remember nothing.

• Spent quality nap time with housebound, emotionally needy feline.

• Cancelled Netflix.

• Took MasterClasses in French Pastry Fundamentals + Wine Appreciation (See #2 Gained weight)

• Developed a sleep disorder. Ironic being that I had so much more time for sleeping.

• Sprouted some hopping mad hemorrhoids. Misery loves company, and so does sitting all day. TMI BFF!

• Grew a mangy beard, got fleas from the dog, lost my girlfriend, took up smoking. Ouch.

• Improved interspecies communications with personal feline. Blink, blink, blink, bat eyelashes, smile sheepishly.

• Taught myself to play the electric guitar like Hendrix and Van Halen – sort of (thank you YouTube)

• Engaged in squabbles and high-minded food fights with friends on Facebook. But were they ever really “friends?”

• Ruminated endlessly upon philosophical conundrums such as “If laughter is medicine, can’t I be allergic to it?  Or overdose?”

• Stayed alive. Did not die laughing. Whew! Success!

2021: WINNING!

Redefining success in 2021 – Happy & Healthy New Year!

If It’s January, Those Must Be Vitamins You’re Popping

WORD PLAY WITH FRIENDS

Pandemic fatigue has set in

According to the World Health Organization (WHO as in Dr. Who) pandemic fatigue is expressed by demotivation in adhering to “protective” orders, hopelessness and alienation.

Baby boomers, Millennials, Gens X, Y and Zers – all ages suffer from this malady.

Ironically, it causes exhaustion from not doing stuff.

We are tired of this.

Rumor has it PF is more contagious than Covid itself.

Regression Anybody?

A QUIZ FOR YOU

Are You Suffering from PF OR Are You A Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

• I wear stained clothes everyday.
• I take five naps a day.
• I suck my shirt sleeve and gaze into the abyss.
• I startle and screech when the dog barks.
• I bawl my brains out uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
• I let a few big, stinky ones rip while I drink my lunch.
• I vomit my breakfast in the car on the way to pick up an antidiarrheal and a crate of Chux.
• I curl up in a fetal position and grab my feet.
• I suck my toes.
• I babble to the cat.
• I suck my fingers and stick them in the nearest electrical outlet.
• I cry for mommy. I cry for daddy. I cry for the Amazon Prime delivery person.

THE MISERY MANIFESTO – A MONTH-TO-MONTH SURVIVAL GUIDE

Kindle e-book and paperback
https://amzn.to/3lr4Wf5

Holidays: ‘Tis the Season to Survive the Stress

Daylight savings time

Tick tock, tick tock.

Turn your clock back or is it forward?

Fall back, spring ahead, fall forward, spring back?

Daylight savings time is like kimchee – nobody seems to like it.

And yet there it is.

It’s fake time!

Even the dog and cat are confused by it.

Does anybody really know what time it is?

As if the pandemic hasn’t skewed your sense of time over these tedious months,

The powers that be shall now screw with your Circadian rhythm!

So much for your delicate sleep routine.

Your internal clock will be out of whack again.

There will be more darkness, less light.

Thank God for caffeine

Rhythm

How do I keep time?

I got rhythm!  I got caffeine! Who could ask for anything more?

Alarm Clocks are Evil and Sleep is Divine

Are People Dying of Boredom?

Due to Covid, we are (duh) spending a helluva lot more time at home.

Surprise! Many people tell me they are dying of boredom.

To put it bluntly, they are in a rut.

Someone who is world-weary is not enthusiastic about anything, often because they have had too much experience of a particular way of life.

Boredom is Dumb

What am I doing to pass the time? To keep intellectually stimulated, emotionally engaged and (more or less) awake?

Oh, and not bored.

A few examples:

• Installing a wine window in my home office. Salut!

• Experimenting with at-home mole removal. Ouch.

• Teaching my pet duck to straighten up and fly right. What can I say, he has issues.

• Tweaking that decadent rum cinnamon pecan caramel bun recipe. Practice makes perfect.

• Woo hoo! Going craft crazy. Etsy beware! Don’t miss my elegant skeleton nipple jewelry and my one-of-a-kind pumpkin glitter art decoupage. Busy hands are happy hands.

• Giving Fitbit a run (actually a walk) for its money. Come all, join the Fitbit cult of Stepford spouses. Ho hum Step, Ho Hum Step, Ho Hum Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz…

• Toilet training the cat. So what if he’s nine years old? It’s never too late to embrace baseless optimism.

You Can’t be Bored While Laughing

• Immersing oneself in The Complete Cartoons of The New Yorker  Laughter rules!

World Weary

Dedicated to the Year 2020

Home Stuck Home? 7 Really FUN Things to Do Really!

Social Distancing Pointers from Howard Hughes

Having trouble social distancing

being stuck at home

how ’bout

taking some grooming tips from

the eccentric, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes –

you will not only be successfully distanced…

people will stay clear away from you!

Image Wikimedia Commons

DO IT LIKE HOWARD!

• Wash your hands 15 times a day – so what if you’re wearing gloves? You don’t need a pandemic to be Mr. Clean.

• Wear Kleenex box hats. Nothing like protective headgear to make you feel safe and sound. And much more stylish than a tin foil cap.

• Only bed busty actresses and only have sex with them once, then gorge yourself for months on their housekeeper’s baked goods – while they fantasize about marrying you and helping you handle your filthy millions.

Image Wikimedia Commons

• Grow foot-long, curly fingernails that put Elvira to shame.

• Don’t trim – or comb – your beard for a decade.

All in jest.

Books

Read these fantastic biographies of the genius Howard Hughes

Movies

ICYMI… here is a great movie about Howard Hughes

The Aviator (2004) Official Trailer #1 – Leonardo DiCaprio

Boost Your Immunity

What to do when there’s a health crisis of biblical proportions?

Beef up your defenses. Build your resistance. Bolster your gut health.

There’s no better time than a global pandemic to boost your immunity!

BTW it’s also a dandy time to write your will and ditch your boring diet.

Do You Think I’m Sexy?

Predatory invaders – whether they be Covid-19, flesh-eating bacteria, or the good ole stand-by chicken pox – want your body.

Hacks from Quacks

You can UP your immunity by employing a strategy involving medicinal (barf) food, habits of hardship and dubious herbal supplements.

FUN Health Advice

• Practice safe socializing! Wrap yourself in layers of bubble wrap before interacting with any live humans. This prophylactic will protect you and them. God knows you have enough packing materials from the Amazon Prime buying binges you’ve been on.

• Nothing says social distancing like garlic and onions on your breath, in your hair, seeping out of the pores of your sallow skin. Load up on the bitter bulbs and people will keep their distance.

• Don’t forget. A spoonful of sugar helps the foul smelling kimchi and fetid apple cider vinegar go down. And by “spoonful” I mean “cup.”

• Warning. Expensive immunity-boosting supplements may leave a hole in your wallet and your Sigmoid Colon.

• Intermittent fasting will build your tolerance for suffering and deprivation. Germs respect that. So suck it up.

• Splurge on scads of Vitamin A, B, C and D. Now I know my ABC’s…

• Walk around holding an umbrella 24-7. This will catch any viral droplets hanging over your head.

• Bonus! Tend to your mental health. If necessary, paint the interior of your home a soothing Aqua and pretend you live in a spa by the sea.  Namaste.

Oh Health: A Pop Quiz

Available on Amazon

Lighten Up!

In defense of kind-hearted humor

No kidding!

Sometimes a joke is just a joke.

And not a deliberate manipulation, power play, micro aggression, political attack or intended personal offense.

Image taken from a University of Alabama site, “Approaches to Modernism”: [1], Fair use

Funny

Sometimes a jest, a quip or a pun is not a Freudian slip – but merely a leap at silliness, a feeble attempt at levity, a verbal slide on a banana peel.

Like almost everything else in this imperfect world, sometimes comedy is really dumb,

but…

Laughter and Play

can bring people closer together and unite them.

Positive humor

Take a flight into whimsy,

a playful swing at fun,

a flirtation with optimism,

a respite from burdensome reality.

Laughter can be the best (if not the cheapest) medicine.

Learn more about applied and therapeutic humor…

The Association for Applied & Therapeutic Humor 

***

The Humor Academy

***

Free Laughs

I Started A Joke * Puddles Pity Party

BOOKS!

Perhaps some good reads will save us from the Summer of Slog.

So many books and so much time. Enjoy!

These books can be found on Goodreads and Amazon.

A new bike for World Bicycle Day?

Yippee!

June 3rd is WORLD BICYCLE DAY

Did you know? More adults than ever are buying bicycles.

And due to the pandemic, there are inventory shortages.

There’s a sense of freedom and abandon when cycling.

You can enjoy the scenery.

Feel the breeze in your hair.

Socially distance without a stupid mask.

Cycle

Riding a bike is like riding a bike, once you learn, you never forget how to do it.

And like broccoli, it’s good for you.

Riding increases balance, flexibility and strength – and it’s more fun than pilates or – God forbid – pickle ball.

It’s not just for kids. Don’t let them have all the fun!

Remember

Do you remember bike riding when you were a child?

A banana seat, a cool horn, streamers hanging from the hand grips, playing cards clipped on the spokes?

Woo Hoo! The Schwinn Sting-Ray is back!

Great for all ages – even cranky seniors.

There’s a bike for everyone

It’s like robbing a liquor store, once you learn, you never forget how to do it.

Creepy

This lyric is loaded with innuendo. Roller skates, keys, bikes. So confusing! Is the singer six or twenty-six?

See you on the bike path… @HaBarb

Humor Books on Amazon

Social Distancing with Alligators – A Little Advice

“Laughter may be the closest distance between two people

BUT

the shortest distance between two people and an alligator is

no laughing matter.”

May 1 – A tipsy woman dies in a fatal gator attack while attempting to get up close and personal with the big boy.

You know the instructions on plastic bags (“This is not a toy”) and boxes of mothballs (“Not a snack. Do not eat”)?

Perhaps alligators need a large flashing neon sign around their necks – “Caution! Do not cuddle!”

Close to You

While extreme social distancing with Granny, Pops, Mom, the cranky neighbor next door, and (of course) your teenager – hey, why not gators, too?

See you later (how about never) alligator

Happy Hour can turn from “Fun to F*#!ed” faster than potato salad at a picnic in the park.

Do people have to be told?

• Don’t drink and dive into a swamp – or try to pet an alligator.

• Swimming is excellent exercise, but not when you’re being eaten by an alligator.

• Please no selfies with ravenous reptiles!

MATING SEASON

• How sweet… do you think I’m sexy?