Barb Best

Death: Condolence Cards for Real Life

There is considerable loss and misfortune in our daily lives. Perhaps mundane, and yet so tragic.

“Everyday a little death.”

– A Little Night Music

For your Comfort

My condolences on your recent disastrous coach flights through Cleveland and Newark and the loss of your luggage. That eclectic wardrobe of yours is… irreplaceable.

In deepest sympathy on the demise of your classic vintage Baroque sofa.

Who knew a cute little puppy could chew through an antique armrest that has been in the family for centuries and is practically a historical landmark.

Good Help is Hard to Find

The Glass is Half Full

Time to Heal

Aging?

You don’t feel old, but do you act old?

You’re as old as you act.

If the Joke Fits – Laugh!

• Do you really need a park bench to sit on when taking a shower?

[…]

You may still be wearing a face mask or not, but you likely have a bunch of unused ones sitting around.

And by a bunch I mean hundreds.

Time to clear the Covid clutter!

Repurpose those annoying fashion accessories.

Unused Face Masks: Fun Things to do With Them!

• Just in case, you’re planning to rob a bank… a generic mask with no identifying personal info is recommended.

FACE IT

Save your unused masks for Covid variants and, of course, the next pandemic 🙁

SMILE 🙂

JUNE To-Do List

Thank you Covid.

You have taught us patience.

A year of delayed gratification, postponements and chronic procrastination has created a to-do list longer than the pandemic itself.

The Short List

BIG MANICURE

Footsie

An entire year without a pedicure.

The horror!

You know it and I know it.

It’s damn time for a serious exfoliating foot treatment. […]

My Dream Job is A Remote Job

Yippee Yay!

Now that I’m working my forever dream job remotely from home…

I am free!  Free at last!

Riding the Freedom Choo-choo

While collecting a chunky paycheck

And maintaining my life work play goof off balance.

Now That I Work Remote I Can…

• Breastfeed my toddler twins fifteen times a day – each!  Ouch. Ouch.

• Reach Level 8500 of Candy Crush Saga.  And you thought Skittles and M & M’s were addicting?

• Score a load of laundered moolah in bitcoin trades. Too late?

• Be a crypto consultant, day trader and night owl. Never too late.

• Learn to play the saxophone while pretending to be in boring business meetings. So cool 🙂

• Cook gourmet lunches for friends and family. Yum Yum.

• Take my diva cat for lengthy acupuncture treatments and manicures while “working.” Wink, Wink!

• Meet the neighbors. Why not?

• Nap whenever I want! Like right now.

• Have sex all day. They don’t call it Zoom for nothing.

• Save money on gas, wheels, personal grooming and a presentable wardrobe.  I may look homeless, but I’ll be rich.

• Every day, I can ditch the heels, Spandex and bra and wear my comfy clothes. Highly conducive to napping.

• Experiment with acid and magic mushrooms before my annual job review.  Helps to focus? On what?

• Go on vacation somewhere, anywhere, anytime.  The real goal!

Dream On!

Work & Retirement: All You Really Need to Know

April Pain

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is yours?

Pain is Relative

Nobody has no pain. Not even a sea sponge or a nitrous oxide enthusiast.

Constant stress from styrofoam cling-on… a 2?

A nagging concern about proper toe alignment… a 1?

Cardiac surgery… a 10!

Childbirth… an 11!

A paper cut from a past due snail mail bill… a 5?

Personally, I worry that it’s wicker bag season. I hate wicker. It cannot compete with calfskin, cotton canvas or nylon as an accessory… a 2?

I love a Ceasar salad, but croutons annoy. They lack character. They either try too hard or not enough… a 3?

Perspective

Pain is subjective, but so is pleasure and joy.

Covid-19 pandemic, lockdown hell, illness and death… 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 +

My arm hurts – not from the shot – but from logging onto numerous websites for days, weeks, months trying to nail an appointment for the vaccine… not even a 1.

Scientists seek ways to finally take real measure of pain…

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-01-scientists-ways-real-pain.html

JUST IN TIME!  APRIL IS NATIONAL HUMOR MONTH 🙂

I Feel Your Pain

National Humor Month

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

While contemplating goals and intentions for the new year 2021 (yawn),

I asked pals, “What have I and/or you accomplished in 2020?”

Prolific artistic output?  A thick, juicy novel ripe with creative breakthroughs?

A slew of wonderful new paintings — like 83 year old David Hockney?

After a totally non-scientific study and truly shallow analysis…

Ta Da!

[…]

Pandemic fatigue has set in

According to the World Health Organization (WHO as in Dr. Who) pandemic fatigue is expressed by demotivation in adhering to “protective” orders, hopelessness and alienation.

Baby boomers, Millennials, Gens X, Y and Zers – all ages suffer from this malady.

Ironically, it causes exhaustion from not doing stuff.

We are tired of this.

Rumor has it PF is more contagious than Covid itself.

Regression Anybody?

A QUIZ FOR YOU

Are You Suffering from PF OR Are You A Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

• I wear stained clothes everyday.
• I take five naps a day.
• I suck my shirt sleeve and gaze into the abyss.
• I startle and screech when the dog barks.
• I bawl my brains out uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
• I let a few big, stinky ones rip while I drink my lunch.
• I vomit my breakfast in the car on the way to pick up an antidiarrheal and a crate of Chux.
• I curl up in a fetal position and grab my feet.
• I suck my toes.
• I babble to the cat.
• I suck my fingers and stick them in the nearest electrical outlet.
• I cry for mommy. I cry for daddy. I cry for the Amazon Prime delivery person.

THE MISERY MANIFESTO – A MONTH-TO-MONTH SURVIVAL GUIDE

Kindle e-book and paperback
https://amzn.to/3lr4Wf5

Holidays: ‘Tis the Season to Survive the Stress

Daylight savings time

Tick tock, tick tock.

Turn your clock back or is it forward?

Fall back, spring ahead, fall forward, spring back?

Daylight savings time is like kimchee – nobody seems to like it.

And yet there it is.

It’s fake time!

Even the dog and cat are confused by it.

Does anybody really know what time it is?

As if the pandemic hasn’t skewed your sense of time over these tedious months,

The powers that be shall now screw with your Circadian rhythm!

So much for your delicate sleep routine.

Your internal clock will be out of whack again.

There will be more darkness, less light.

Thank God for caffeine

Rhythm

How do I keep time?

I got rhythm!  I got caffeine! Who could ask for anything more?

Alarm Clocks are Evil and Sleep is Divine

Are People Dying of Boredom?

Due to Covid, we are (duh) spending a helluva lot more time at home.

Surprise! Many people tell me they are dying of boredom.

To put it bluntly, they are in a rut.

Someone who is world-weary is not enthusiastic about anything, often because they have had too much experience of a particular way of life.

Boredom is Dumb

What am I doing to pass the time? To keep intellectually stimulated, emotionally engaged and (more or less) awake?

Oh, and not bored.

A few examples:

• Installing a wine window in my home office. Salut!

• Experimenting with at-home mole removal. Ouch.

• Teaching my pet duck to straighten up and fly right. What can I say, he has issues.

• Tweaking that decadent rum cinnamon pecan caramel bun recipe. Practice makes perfect.

• Woo hoo! Going craft crazy. Etsy beware! Don’t miss my elegant skeleton nipple jewelry and my one-of-a-kind pumpkin glitter art decoupage. Busy hands are happy hands.

• Giving Fitbit a run (actually a walk) for its money. Come all, join the Fitbit cult of Stepford spouses. Ho hum Step, Ho Hum Step, Ho Hum Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz…

• Toilet training the cat. So what if he’s nine years old? It’s never too late to embrace baseless optimism.

You Can’t be Bored While Laughing

• Immersing oneself in The Complete Cartoons of The New Yorker  Laughter rules!

World Weary

Dedicated to the Year 2020

Home Stuck Home? 7 Really FUN Things to Do Really!