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Death: Condolence Greeting Cards for Real Life

1 Nov

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Death: Condolence Cards for Real Life

There is considerable loss and misfortune in our daily lives. Perhaps mundane, and yet so tragic.

 

“Everyday a little death.”

– A Little Night Music

 

For your Comfort

My condolences on your recent disastrous coach flights through Cleveland and Newark and the loss of your luggage. That eclectic wardrobe of yours is… irreplaceable.

 

 

Condolence Cards Real Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In deepest sympathy on the demise of your classic vintage Baroque sofa.

Who knew a cute little puppy 🐶 could chew through an antique armrest that has been in the family for centuries and is practically a historical landmark.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Humor

 

 

 

 

On the passing of your five year old Frigidaire.  “They don’t make them like they used to!” says everyone over 45 years old.  Perhaps this is a sign? God is tempting you to enjoy more processed foods and take-out meals.  Appliance demise is often a mixed blessing.

 

 

Sorry to hear your best friend flaked out on you again. Another dental emergency? Who wanted to go on that dopey luxury European cruise anyway? Mamma Mia! Mamma Mia Here We Go Again!

 

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

Good Help is Hard to Find

Sending you comfort as you process the neglect and desertion inflicted upon you by your trusted handyman. Anyone who can do the house stuff for you is marriage material. Lots of luck on your search – you’ll need it.

 

 

The Glass is Half Full

 

In deepest sympathy on the loss of your marbles. Perhaps it is time to play with your food or your feet.
Thinking of you as we all lose our memories – day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute… WTF I forget the next one.

 

Condolence Cards Daily Life Death Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to Heal

Sorry you’re going through this fresh hell. Nobody deserves this agony.  Wishing your internet connection a speedy recovery.
Carol Burnett

Aging? You’re So Old You Probably Think This Joke Is About You

1 Aug

Aging? You’re So Old You Probably Think This Joke Is About You

Aging?

You don’t feel old, but do you act old?

 

jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re as old as you act.

 

If the Joke Fits – Laugh!

 

  • Do you really need a park bench to sit on when taking a shower?

[…]

Face Masks Unused: Fun Things to do With Them!

1 Jul

unused face masks fun

You may still be wearing a face mask or not, but you likely have a bunch of unused ones sitting around.

And by a bunch I mean hundreds.

Time to clear the Covid clutter!

Repurpose those annoying fashion accessories.

unused face masks fun

 

 

Unused Face Masks: Fun Things to do With Them!

 

  • A stylish bikini bottom
  • Eye patch – you’re never too old to play pirate
  • A yamake that won’t blow off, “Look bubbe, no bobby-pins”
  • Butt floss
  • Cat toy
  • Makes a soft slingshot for the meek – no rocks, tearless contact with a projectile
  • A covid memory quilt consisting of all my stylish pandemic masks – call me sentimental 🙂
  • Contemporary art mobile

unused face masks fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • A gag for boomer Uncle Harry and his idiotic political rants
  • Just in case, you’re planning to rob a bank… a generic mask with no identifying personal info is recommended.

FACE IT

Save your unused masks for Covid variants and, of course, the next pandemic 🙁

SMILE 🙂

To-Do: A List for the Listless

5 Jun

To-Do: A List for the Listless

JUNE To-Do List

Thank you Covid.

You have taught us patience.

A year of delayed gratification, postponements and chronic procrastination has created a to-do list longer than the pandemic itself.

The Short List

June Humor

BIG MANICURE

 

 

 

Footsie

An entire year without a pedicure.

The horror!

You know it and I know it.

It’s damn time for a serious exfoliating foot treatment. […]

Freedom: My Dream Job is a Remote Job

1 May

My Dream Job is A Remote Job

Yippee Yay!

Now that I’m working my forever dream job remotely from home…

I am free!  Free at last!

Riding the Freedom Choo-choo

While collecting a chunky paycheck

And maintaining my life work play goof off balance.

 

Dream Job remote Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now That I Work Remote I Can…

 

  • Breastfeed my toddler twins fifteen times a day – each!  Ouch. Ouch.

 

  • Reach Level 8500 of Candy Crush Saga.  And you thought Skittles and M & M’s were addicting?

 

  • Score a load of laundered moolah in bitcoin trades. Too late?

 

  • Be a crypto consultant, day trader and night owl. Never too late.

 

  • Learn to play the saxophone while pretending to be in boring business meetings. So cool 🙂

 

  • Cook gourmet lunches for friends and family. Yum Yum.

 

  • Take my diva cat for lengthy acupuncture treatments and manicures while “working.” Wink, Wink!

 

  • Meet the neighbors. Why not?

 

  • Nap whenever I want! Like right now.

 

  • Have sex all day. They don’t call it Zoom for nothing.

 

  • Save money on gas, wheels, personal grooming and a presentable wardrobe.  I may look homeless, but I’ll be rich.

 

  • Every day, I can ditch the heels, Spandex and bra and wear my comfy clothes. Highly conducive to napping.

 

  • Experiment with acid and magic mushrooms before my annual job review.  Helps to focus? On what?

 

  • Go on vacation somewhere, anywhere, anytime.  The real goal!

 

Dream On!

 

BarbBestHumorBlog

Available on Amazon

Work & Retirement: All You Really Need to Know

April Pain: Reason to Complain

2 Apr

April Pain

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is yours?

 

Pain reason complain

Pain is Relative

Nobody has no pain. Not even a sea sponge or a nitrous oxide enthusiast.

Constant stress from styrofoam cling-on… a 2?

A nagging concern about proper toe alignment… a 1?

Cardiac surgery… a 10!

Childbirth… an 11!

A paper cut from a past due snail mail bill… a 5?

Personally, I worry that it’s wicker bag season. I hate wicker. It cannot compete with calfskin, cotton canvas or nylon as an accessory… a 2?

I love a Ceasar salad, but croutons annoy. They lack character. They either try too hard or not enough… a 3?

Perspective

Pain is subjective, but so is pleasure and joy.

Covid-19 pandemic, lockdown hell, illness and death… 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 +

My arm hurts – not from the shot – but from logging onto numerous websites for days, weeks, months trying to nail an appointment for the vaccine… not even a 1.

Scientists seek ways to finally take real measure of pain…

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-01-scientists-ways-real-pain.html

 

JUST IN TIME!  APRIL IS NATIONAL HUMOR MONTH 🙂

 

I Feel Your Pain

National Humor Month

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

3 Jan

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

While contemplating goals and intentions for the new year 2021 (yawn),

I asked pals, “What have I and/or you accomplished in 2020?”

 

Dubious Achievements friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prolific artistic output?  A thick, juicy novel ripe with creative breakthroughs?

A slew of wonderful new paintings — like 83 year old David Hockney?

After a totally non-scientific study and truly shallow analysis…

Ta Da!

[…]

Pandemic Fatigue OR a Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

1 Dec

Pandemic fatigue has set in

According to the World Health Organization (WHO as in Dr. Who) pandemic fatigue is expressed by demotivation in adhering to “protective” orders, hopelessness and alienation.

Baby boomers, Millennials, Gens X, Y and Zers – all ages suffer from this malady.

Ironically, it causes exhaustion from not doing stuff.

We are tired of this.

Rumor has it PF is more contagious than Covid itself.

Regression Anybody?

 

Pandemic fatigue humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

A QUIZ FOR YOU

Are You Suffering from PF OR Are You A Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

 

  • I wear stained clothes everyday.
  • I take five naps a day.
  • I suck my shirt sleeve and gaze into the abyss.
  • I startle and screech when the dog barks.
  • I bawl my brains out uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
  • I let a few big, stinky ones rip while I drink my lunch.
  • I vomit my breakfast in the car on the way to pick up an antidiarrheal and a crate of Chux.
  • I curl up in a fetal position and grab my feet.
  • I suck my toes.
  • I babble to the cat.
  • I suck my fingers and stick them in the nearest electrical outlet.
  • I cry for mommy. I cry for daddy. I cry for the Amazon Prime delivery person.

 

pandemic fatigue humor
laughing pandemic fatigue humor
Pandemic fatigue humor

If you answered “No” to  1-12 questions, you’re a baby! Goo Gaa!

If you answered “Yes” to  1-12 questions, you have a bad case of PF AND you’re a big, fat baby!

Either way, you will grow stronger from this nightmare and smile someday.

Pandemic fatigue sucks.

HO HO HO!!!

IT’S DECEMBER – DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MASK of JOY IS?

THE ONLY SELF-HELP GUIDE YOU WILL NEED FOR THE NEW YEAR!

THE MISERY MANIFESTO – A MONTH-TO-MONTH SURVIVAL GUIDE

 

Kindle e-book and paperback
https://amzn.to/3lr4Wf5

 

Holidays: ‘Tis the Season to Survive the Stress

Daylight Savings Time: I Got Circadian Rhythm

1 Nov

Daylight Savings Time: I Got Circadian Rhythm

Daylight savings time

Tick tock, tick tock.

Turn your clock back or is it forward?

Fall back, spring ahead, fall forward, spring back?

Daylight savings time is like kimchee – nobody seems to like it.

And yet there it is.

It’s fake time!

Even the dog and cat are confused by it.

 

Daylight savings time Circadian Rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does anybody really know what time it is?

 

 

As if the pandemic hasn’t skewed your sense of time over these tedious months,

The powers that be shall now screw with your Circadian rhythm!

So much for your delicate sleep routine.

Your internal clock will be out of whack again.

There will be more darkness, less light.

 

Daylight savings time Circadian rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank God for caffeine

 

Daylight savings time Circadian rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rhythm

How do I keep time?

I got rhythm!  I got caffeine! Who could ask for anything more?

 

 

 

Alarm Clocks are Evil and Sleep is Divine

Bored at Home? Fresh Ideas to Banish Boredom

2 Oct

Banish boredom at home

Are People Dying of Boredom?

Due to Covid, we are (duh) spending a helluva lot more time at home.

Surprise! Many people tell me they are dying of boredom.

To put it bluntly, they are in a rut.

 

Banish boredom at home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cambridge Dictionary

World-Weary

Someone who is world-weary is not enthusiastic about anything, often because they have had too much experience of a particular way of life.

 

Boredom is Dumb

What am I doing to pass the time? To keep intellectually stimulated, emotionally engaged and (more or less) awake?

Oh, and not bored.

A few examples:

 

  • Installing a wine window in my home office. Salut!

 

  • Experimenting with at-home mole removal. Ouch.

 

  • Teaching my pet duck to straighten up and fly right. What can I say, he has issues.

 

  • Tweaking that decadent rum cinnamon pecan caramel bun recipe. Practice makes perfect.

 

Bored at Home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Woo hoo! Going craft crazy. Etsy beware! Don’t miss my elegant skeleton nipple jewelry and my one-of-a-kind pumpkin glitter art decoupage. Busy hands are happy hands.

 

  • Giving Fitbit a run (actually a walk) for its money. Come all, join the Fitbit cult of Stepford spouses. Ho hum Step, Ho Hum Step, Ho Hum Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz…

 

  • Toilet training the cat. So what if he’s nine years old? It’s never too late to embrace baseless optimism.

 

Banish boredom at home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can’t be Bored While Laughing

 

 

 

World Weary

 

 

Dedicated to the Year 2020

 

Home Stuck Home? 7 Really FUN Things to Do Really!