Barb Best

Social Distancing Pointers from Howard Hughes

Having trouble social distancing

being stuck at home

how ’bout

taking some grooming tips from

the eccentric, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes –

you will not only be successfully distanced…

people will stay clear away from you!

Image Wikimedia Commons

DO IT LIKE HOWARD!

• Wash your hands 15 times a day – so what if you’re wearing gloves? You don’t need a pandemic to be Mr. Clean.

• Wear Kleenex box hats. Nothing like protective headgear to make you feel safe and sound. And much more stylish than a tin foil cap.

• Only bed busty actresses and only have sex with them once, then gorge yourself for months on their housekeeper’s baked goods – while they fantasize about marrying you and helping you handle your filthy millions.

Image Wikimedia Commons

• Grow foot-long, curly fingernails that put Elvira to shame.

• Don’t trim – or comb – your beard for a decade.

All in jest.

Books

Read these fantastic biographies of the genius Howard Hughes

Movies

ICYMI… here is a great movie about Howard Hughes

The Aviator (2004) Official Trailer #1 – Leonardo DiCaprio

Boost Your Immunity

What to do when there’s a health crisis of biblical proportions?

Beef up your defenses. Build your resistance. Bolster your gut health.

There’s no better time than a global pandemic to boost your immunity!

BTW it’s also a dandy time to write your will and ditch your boring diet.

Do You Think I’m Sexy?

Predatory invaders – whether they be Covid-19, flesh-eating bacteria, or the good ole stand-by chicken pox – want your body.

Hacks from Quacks

You can UP your immunity by employing a strategy involving medicinal (barf) food, habits of hardship and dubious herbal supplements.

FUN Health Advice

• Practice safe socializing! Wrap yourself in layers of bubble wrap before interacting with any live humans. This prophylactic will protect you and them. God knows you have enough packing materials from the Amazon Prime buying binges you’ve been on.

• Nothing says social distancing like garlic and onions on your breath, in your hair, seeping out of the pores of your sallow skin. Load up on the bitter bulbs and people will keep their distance.

• Don’t forget. A spoonful of sugar helps the foul smelling kimchi and fetid apple cider vinegar go down. And by “spoonful” I mean “cup.”

• Warning. Expensive immunity-boosting supplements may leave a hole in your wallet and your Sigmoid Colon.

• Intermittent fasting will build your tolerance for suffering and deprivation. Germs respect that. So suck it up.

• Splurge on scads of Vitamin A, B, C and D. Now I know my ABC’s…

• Walk around holding an umbrella 24-7. This will catch any viral droplets hanging over your head.

• Bonus! Tend to your mental health. If necessary, paint the interior of your home a soothing Aqua and pretend you live in a spa by the sea.  Namaste.

Oh Health: A Pop Quiz

Available on Amazon

Lighten Up!

In defense of kind-hearted humor

No kidding!

Sometimes a joke is just a joke.

And not a deliberate manipulation, power play, micro aggression, political attack or intended personal offense.

Image taken from a University of Alabama site, “Approaches to Modernism”: [1], Fair use

Funny

Sometimes a jest, a quip or a pun is not a Freudian slip – but merely a leap at silliness, a feeble attempt at levity, a verbal slide on a banana peel.

Like almost everything else in this imperfect world, sometimes comedy is really dumb,

but…

Laughter and Play

can bring people closer together and unite them.

Positive humor

Take a flight into whimsy,

a playful swing at fun,

a flirtation with optimism,

a respite from burdensome reality.

Laughter can be the best (if not the cheapest) medicine.

Learn more about applied and therapeutic humor…

The Association for Applied & Therapeutic Humor 

***

The Humor Academy

***

Free Laughs

I Started A Joke * Puddles Pity Party

BOOKS!

Perhaps some good reads will save us from the Summer of Slog.

So many books and so much time. Enjoy!

These books can be found on Goodreads and Amazon.

A new bike for World Bicycle Day?

Yippee!

June 3rd is WORLD BICYCLE DAY

Did you know? More adults than ever are buying bicycles.

And due to the pandemic, there are inventory shortages.

There’s a sense of freedom and abandon when cycling.

You can enjoy the scenery.

Feel the breeze in your hair.

Socially distance without a stupid mask.

Cycle

Riding a bike is like riding a bike, once you learn, you never forget how to do it.

And like broccoli, it’s good for you.

Riding increases balance, flexibility and strength – and it’s more fun than pilates or – God forbid – pickle ball.

It’s not just for kids. Don’t let them have all the fun!

Remember

Do you remember bike riding when you were a child?

A banana seat, a cool horn, streamers hanging from the hand grips, playing cards clipped on the spokes?

Woo Hoo! The Schwinn Sting-Ray is back!

Great for all ages – even cranky seniors.

There’s a bike for everyone

It’s like robbing a liquor store, once you learn, you never forget how to do it.

Creepy

This lyric is loaded with innuendo. Roller skates, keys, bikes. So confusing! Is the singer six or twenty-six?

See you on the bike path… @HaBarb

Humor Books on Amazon

Social Distancing with Alligators – A Little Advice

“Laughter may be the closest distance between two people

BUT

the shortest distance between two people and an alligator is

no laughing matter.”

May 1 – A tipsy woman dies in a fatal gator attack while attempting to get up close and personal with the big boy.

You know the instructions on plastic bags (“This is not a toy”) and boxes of mothballs (“Not a snack. Do not eat”)?

Perhaps alligators need a large flashing neon sign around their necks – “Caution! Do not cuddle!”

Close to You

While extreme social distancing with Granny, Pops, Mom, the cranky neighbor next door, and (of course) your teenager – hey, why not gators, too?

See you later (how about never) alligator

Happy Hour can turn from “Fun to F*#!ed” faster than potato salad at a picnic in the park.

Do people have to be told?

• Don’t drink and dive into a swamp – or try to pet an alligator.

• Swimming is excellent exercise, but not when you’re being eaten by an alligator.

• Please no selfies with ravenous reptiles!

MATING SEASON

• How sweet… do you think I’m sexy?

Rx Comedy Tonight: A Respite from Pandemic Misery

Comedy. Laughter. Humor.

Take as often as needed.

No costly doctor’s appointment – in the flesh or virtual – required.

No adverse side effects – not even the usual ones – nausea, headache, constipation, diarrhea, kleptomania, heart attack, tennis elbow, diarrhea, flat foot, droopy eye, dandruff, diarrhea and death.

And – best of all – you can’t overdose on laughter.

Great List ~ Best Comedies to Stream on Netflix ~ Mental Floss

If your time or attention span is short, just watch the trailers for some laughs.

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/622691/best-comedies-to-stream-on-netflix

Classic Cat Mental Health Video

This video is especially funny during these days of isolation and existential angst.

You know you want to laugh.

“Comedy Tonight ” with Jason Alexander

A funny thing happened on the way to the pandemic. We maintained our sense of humor 😀

Humor links

https://www.barbbest.com/links/

BOOK NEWS! Find Your Funny ~ 2nd Edition

Smiles To Go! The World Needs A Smile

Please support The Association of Applied Therapeutic Humor  and The Humor Academy 

Welcome to the April Fools Sh*t Show

OMG. A pandemic!

And you thought the worst thing about April would be paying your taxes?

In case we all missed it, National Humor Month is here.  Whoopee!

How to celebrate?

How ’bout a month of lock-down, confinement with family and pets (if you’re lucky), unparalleled gut-wrenching anxiety, and mindless navel gazing?

A Sh*tstorm

is “a very unpleasant or difficult situation.”

Ah, don’t you love British understatement?

Patience

Remember – “April showers hitting the fan may bring May flowers and nagging allergies.”

Amusement & Good News

It’s high time to add some amusement to the misery.

Check out John Krasinski and his Good News

Look, ma! Disney Amusement Park rides on YouTube! And no lines!

Be patient and don’t become a patient.

News to Amuse – 7 Items that Won’t Stress You Out

Hand washing or hand wringing

2 minutes x 30 times = 1 Hour a Day

Are you sick of standing at the sink scrubbing your hands for two minutes at a clip?

Do surgeons envy your disinfecting skills?

Is all this cleaning becoming a tad tedious?

Has the whole world gone OCD?

“Better safe than sorry!”

Hand Washing – 7 Ways to Have More Fun

• Recite the Greek alphabet – backwards

• While soaping up, video yourself naked and post to YouTube

• Sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong – or scream

• Count the number of toilet paper rolls and Purell squeeze bottles you have hoarded in the last week

• Meditate, chew gum, blow bubbles, hum

• Cry over all of the awesome sports events and concerts you’ll miss in the next month

• Do squats, lunges and buttock-lifting exercises while washing – oh, what fun!

~ Stay Healthy ~ 

5 Flu Prevention Tips for Hypochondriacs & Moms

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Millennials

We love to tease our sweet, mindful millennials.

Especially because we parents nurtured and raised them to be the transcendent humans they are!

7 Signs You’re Too Sick to Go to Work

• You sneezed and it isn’t allergy season. This acute onset of respiratory symptoms could be flu germs attempting to attack your immune system.  A morning nap, a healing foot massage and a toasty burrata taco is just what the doctor ordered.

~ Stay Home

• You stubbed your toe. If not attended to, this could develop into a chronic pain syndrome – then where would your career be? Think long-term.

~ Stay Home

• You feel sort of dizzy this morning and you don’t think it’s the pitcher of Piña Coladas you ingested at your gender reveal party last night. It could be benign positional vertigo, but let’s not take a chance.

~ Stay Home […]