Barb Best

Air travel

Flying coach.

No leg room.

Narrow seats.

Contagions in the air.

You know you love it.

Bring all of your baggage, that is…

except your anxiety, impatience and negativity.

Leave home without them.

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7 New Realities of Flying

• Surgical masks shall be worn at all times – their single purpose being to spook the hypochondriac sitting next to you.

• Caution. Traveling with a pet under your seat in the cabin will not satisfy your need for in-flight entertainment. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Ear and nose plugs highly recommended.

• No matter how cute, your emotional support miniature horse is not permitted to give pony rides to toddlers in the aisle. Nothing interferes with the important business of mile-high soft drink and pretzel delivery. Not even a viral video opportunity.

• New FAA rule: All babies qualify as emotional support animals and shall fly for free.

• While slogging through security, there will be no joking! Especially about da bomb you are hiding in your oddly heavy carry-on bag.

• If you are a gentleman of advanced age and your prostate is the size of a giant lemon, please pay for an aisle seat. It’s unseemly for us to interrupt our Netflix binging and get up every fifteen minutes so you can waddle to the restroom. No lemonade for you, sir.

• I don’t know what your travel issue is, but the answer is most likely Benadryl.

Air travel is not for sissies. You may as well laugh.

Funny Woman

Judy Garland was very funny!

Watch the movie JUDY for the laughter as well as for the pathos and the singing.

“People always thought I was funny. I was never funny.

You know who was truly funny? Judy Garland.

Judy Garland was funny.

She made me look like a mortician.” 

– Lucille Ball

[…]

Millennials

We love to tease our sweet, mindful millennials.

Especially because we parents nurtured and raised them to be the transcendent humans they are!

7 Signs You’re Too Sick to Go to Work

• You sneezed and it isn’t allergy season. This acute onset of respiratory symptoms could be flu germs attempting to attack your immune system.  A morning nap, a healing foot massage and a toasty burrata taco is just what the doctor ordered.

~ Stay Home

• You stubbed your toe. If not attended to, this could develop into a chronic pain syndrome – then where would your career be? Think long-term.

~ Stay Home

• You feel sort of dizzy this morning and you don’t think it’s the pitcher of Piña Coladas you ingested at your gender reveal party last night. It could be benign positional vertigo, but let’s not take a chance.

~ Stay Home […]

What to Worry About in 2020

*******************

New Year, New Worries, Anxieties, and Fears

• Porch Pirates  Beware, Matey – even if you don’t have a porch. BTW this is a shadow industry of Amazon Prime.
• Gluten-free everything
• World War III
• THE election
• Your friends are going all Marie Kondo on you.  So much for “Shop ’til You Drop” trips to the Mall.
• Boomers are blowing their retirement savings on pot, hips, and knees
• Alien abductions caught on doorbell cams
• Wood-inspired flooring   Knock on wood. Is there a shortage of real wood?
• You don’t have the new iPhone and you never will.
• Neo-tribal tattooing
• Fake food like bone broth oatmeal, collagen-spiked mocktails, celeriac kombucha tacos,  and plant-based faux cheese burgers.  Hold the fries.  Better yet, hold your nose.
• You don’t own a single slice of Apple stock  🙁

Bonus * Insights for 2020

• The ink that is no longer being used to print books… now appears in the humongous tattoos on your neighbor’s humongous ass.

• Suggested names for the next Kardashian baby: “Kash” “Ka-Ching” “Kitschy”

• Again, who needs resolutions when you have worries?

Available on Amazon

Parents Offer Advice: Naughty & Nice

Parents! What are you teaching your children?

As the holidays ding-a-ling-ling and ho-ho-ho themselves

into our hearts and psyches…

let’s take a moment to reflect 🙂

Random Advice from Parents

• If you look at your phone screen 50 hours everyday, you will get eye stroke!

Eye stroke exists…  https://bit.ly/36OPGl9

• Don’t bathe in sequins, glitter or anything shiny that can lodge itself in your nether regions.

Naughty news: Woman bathes in glitter…  https://bit.ly/38UmwD2 

• Robots are not your friend.

Wacky robot hotel admits its bedside cameras could have exposed guests to peeping hackers…

https://bit.ly/35M2V6l

• Don’t gulp your food. Chew it 22 times before swallowing, especially if it’s a chunky smoothie.

• Warning: Don’t run with scissors, X-ACTO knives or chainsaws. If you must run, run away from the wolves.

• Caution: “He/She/They/Prefer not to identify with any gender” who laughs last… and needs the joke explained to “Him/Her/Them/They/Prefer not to identify with any gender“… may be suffering from a concussion. Consult a doctor or Google.

• Among other things, life is a full-time job.  Nice work if you can get it – even if it doesn’t always pay well.

Holiday stress… this, too, shall pass.

Humor Books Available on Amazon

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Holiday Food Binge: Death by Fruitcake

Want to die doing what you love? Eating!

How about binging on the irresistible holiday treats that are ubiquitous this time of year?

Four out of five sugar addicts agree – holiday food is the best way to go.

Fruitcake Binge

Like ukulele music, you either love fruitcake or you hate it.

There are at least two ways to die via fruitcake. […]

Sweet!

Leftover Halloween Candy – Holiday Curse or Blessing?

Okay, you bought enough fertilizer-size bags of Halloween candy to feed an army of carpenter ants, but

… WHAT?

Only five lousy kids came to your door trick or treating…

and two of those were your own?

[…]

Doom and Doomer

Is the world in crisis? Doomed?

Is it careening toward complete death and destruction?

Are you worried about the future of your children, grandchildren, and young pets?

Apocalypse Anxiety

Are you in a frantic funk?  Devoid of hope?

May I suggest some doomsday therapy.

Watching music videos of Iconic Sixties Tunes will ironically help you feel better.

No Kidding

You think it’s bad now…

Guess what?

… it’s always bad 🙂 […]

Thoughts While Waiting for a Colonoscopy

Sooner or later, we all have this medical procedure done.

My thoughts

My colonoscopy

• At least I get to lie down for awhile. I could use a nap. Too bad it takes an invasive medical procedure and an I.V. propofol drip to cop a snooze. Michael Jackson, I feel your pain.

• The slit in the back of this gown is rather stylish. Perhaps a new fashion trend? Maybe the holes in jeans are in the wrong places.

[…]

Meetings

Can you die of boredom?

Death certificate will read: Cause of death – Meetings!

“She was hanging in there pretty well, but then a meeting did her in.”

Moi

Sure, I look alert and interested in this HOA meeting.

I’ll bet my faux expression of keen attention is fooling the overbearing board members and those oddly perky neighbors sitting next to me.

If it weren’t for the rampant yawns, the tears streaming down my face, and the occasional uncontrolled giggling – they’d have not a clue that I’m bored silly.

Thoughts While Sitting at a Meeting

•  OMG I’d rather be antiquing in Provence… or even Poughkeepsie.

[…]