Dear Boss: 7 Reasons I’m Taking Friday and Monday Off

21 Jul

SUBJECT: Playing Hooky  Goofing Off  Planned Absences

TO:  Kyle Flicker

General Manager

Misery Productions

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Boss: Planned Absences

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Flicker,

I’d like to share with you a few bulls*!t excuses I’ve concocted for my impending absences from work.

  • My life coach insists I have a minimally invasive craniotomy done this Saturday. This is scheduled after my boozy, trans fat-laden brunch and before a round or two of miniature golf with the neighborhood children. Chances are I’ll be gaga on opioids for a few days. Trust me. You won’t want me anywhere near the company spreadsheets.

 

  • I’m celebrating “Cinnabon Day” and the Krispy Kreme “Buy a Dozen, Get a Dozen Free” promotion. This religious observance should take me several days to participate in and to recover from. If you’d like further documentation from my gastroenterologist or spiritual advisor, please let me know.

 

  •  I’m rolling out “those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. Those days of soda and pretzels and beer.” It’s my civic duty.

 

  • My therapy dog, Bubbles, appears to have worms. Not a pretty sight! The veterinarian is expecting us for a lengthy appointment and anal exam. Family first.

 

  • I’m grievously behind in my Netflix commitment. Gotta catch up to get my $9.99 a month’s worth.

 

  • I must make use of a personal care day, plus a vacation day to attend to a personal issue. The issue? I have no personal life. I need to find one before I don’t care anymore. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

 

  • Taking time off for bed rest to read these hilarious humor books…

 

I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere but the Pool  – Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

We Are Never Meeting in Real Life  – Samantha Irby

The Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody for the Self-Absorbed  – Barb Best

Thanks for being so understanding about the absences!

Sincerely My Own Special Person,

Carrie M. Lennial

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