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The Scarlet Letter

20 Feb

19 Feb

Credit: theknot.com.auCredit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

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Sweet Talk

12 Feb

Gotta love romance in advertising.  Sweet talk seduces us.

This sharp little Mini Cooper S Convertible is officially Champagne colored.

Sweet TalkTopless!

However accurate they may be, the words “Beige,” “Fungus,” and “Urine” don’t seem to have the same attraction as “Champagne.”

I hope the paint doesn’t have a lot of bubbles in it.

I’ll bet it’s really easy to get a DUI in this  car.

Cruising topless in your champagne colored car = joy ride.

“Passion” perfume.

Credit: Californiaperfumes.com

Names like “Bonking,” “Boffing,” or “Horny” don’t hold the same power or charm as “Passion,” do they?

“Kiss.”

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Obviously, “Kiss” says it better than “peck,” “canoodle,” or “buss.”

Wikimedia CommonsHershey

Hershey “Pecks?” “Smooches?” “Osculations?” No thank you.

Paris Hilton “Tease.”

Credit: Cupidspulse.com

“Tease” says it better than “Shallow,” “Ditzy,” or “Silly Billy.”  Smells like… money!

“My Funny Valentine” available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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What Women Want

6 Feb

 

Guns aren’t nice, so here’s a poem in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                              WHAT THE HELL DO WOMEN WANT ANYWAY?

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

I’ll tell you!

 

 

 

 

 

Kill the black widow spider

 

 

Smash the horse fly

 

 

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

 

 

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

 

 

 

 

 

Pulverize the prowler

 

 

In one Superman swoop,

 

 

No spurting blood

 

 

No cracking bones

 

 

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

 

 

No messes, but do it now.

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

I’ll tell you!

 

 

Purr like a kitten, tiger

 

 

Dance the Howdy Doody

 

 

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

 

 

Shower me with mortal sins.

 

 

 

 

 

Sail me love letters

 

 

In my alphabet soup

 

 

Stir it hard,

 

 

Use your imagination,

 

 

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

 

 

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

 

 

 

 

 

What do women want, dude?

 

 

Most of all?

 

 

At least try to enthrall,

 

 

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

 

 

 

 

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

 

 

©2013, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I LIKE YOU! LIKE ME on Facebook, CLICK HERE 

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LOTS OF FUN! Let’s follow each other on Twitter @HaBarb, CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

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Ain’t That Rich?

31 Jan

In dire economic times, professionals may employ downright crazy strategies to save (steal) money.

A penny saved is worth five to fifteen in the slammer.

According to the Associated Press, 1-24-12:

“A former dentist in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals. Authorities say instead of stainless steel posts for root canals, he used sections of paper clips — which can cause pain and even infection — in an effort to save money.”

Root canal is bad enough… without your endodontist cutting (no pun, ouch) corners in such a tawdry fashion. Instead…

Couldn’t he have just cancelled some of those swanky magazine subscriptions?

Or sell the flat screen TV in the waiting room? Not necessary! Nobody’s looking at it. Everybody has their head up focused on their cell phones.

Maybe cut down on the annoying muzak in the examining rooms? Man, we’re nervous enough.

Wax his own damn moustache?

This won’t hurt a bit!

Not pick up the tab for his perky, big boobed receptionist’s weekly manicures?

Engage in some serious extreme couponing like everyone else?

Oy, I wonder… Did he also recycle the bloody gauze from patients’ mouths?

Did he instruct his patients to bring their own water to rinse?

Stock up on his instruments from this guy?

If you’d like to indulge your paranoia over dentists, check these entertaining gems out:

http://youtu.be/bOtMizMQ6oM

Images: Barb Best and Wikimedia Commons.

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

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Vote for Comedy

10 Jan

election

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

Comedy

You go, Girl!

 

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

 

Comedy

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

 

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