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My Summer Bummers

29 May

Fun in the sun isn’t always fun.  A day at the beach can be more misery than merriment. And now they tell us sunscreen gives us cancer? Ain’t that sweet 🙂

My 15 summer bummers… What are yours?

1.   Swimsuit wardrobe malfunction when faking bravado on the Boogie Board

2.   Sunburn on private parts

3.   Younger, slimmer, and obviously richer women donning floss bikinis, spray tans, and serious diamond earrings

4.   Being buried in bacteria filthy, crab infested, scalding sand for the amusement and photo opp pleasure of loved ones

5.   People who use “summer” as a verb, but not “budget” as a verb

6.   A plethora of hideous tattoos scribbled on every hairy limb like graffiti on a sunset

7.   Blowing up that darn beach ball, feeling dizzy, maybe it’s a stroke

8.   That skanky fish smell that blows off the stagnant bay

9.   Jellyfish who stalk just you

10. Kids who whine “I’m bored” because you’re not entertaining them 24-7

11.  Dutifully applying and reapplying sunscreen only to find out it causes skin cancer – classic example of “Damn if you do, damn if you don’t!”

12.  Joggers impervious to triple digit temperatures

13.  Gnats in my mojito

14.  Listening to perfectly nice folks mispronounce “mojito”

15.  Shark attacks, guaranteed to spoil the mood!

Sharing is caring. WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER BUMMERS?

 

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Weekend Funny 5

25 May

TGIF

 

Every Friday I feature 5 LINKS to LAUGHTER. Enjoy!

 

How to Bake a Chicken Without Flippin’ the Bird Lisa Tognola

Another food mystery solved at Mental Floss

The Hilarious Rachael Ray  Food Network Humor

How To Tattoo A Banana  Admit it, bananas are funny.

 

Oprah Show Funniest Moments

 

 

Weight Watchers Ice Cream

22 May

I’m in love. Or is it merely lust?

Oh, Yes!

Great photo on the box cover. Isn’t subliminal advertising subtle?

Nonetheless, Madison Avenue knows I  scream, you scream, we all holler like crazy for it!  Yes. Low calorie ice cream.

One of these highly satisfying, heavenly treats is only 80 calories, can you believe it?

Why have one dark chocolate raspberry ice cream bar when you can have two?

Two bars… 2 x 80 = 160 calories. Not too bad…

 

But, no!  The box says 1 bar = 80 calories and 2 bars = 170 calories.

Do the math, dudes at Weight Watchers. What’s with the extra 10 calories when I down two bars? Does that mean if I savor four bars (hmmm, not that I would) is it an extra 20 calories? Or is it like the Richter scale, increasing exponentially?

Is the extra 10 calories some kind of diet penalty?

I have contacted the generous and marketing savvy people at Weight Watchers regarding this error. I’m hoping they will reward me with Weight Watchers ice cream ’til death or ’til I gain 25 pounds – whichever comes first.

 

 

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Weekend Funny 5

18 May

 

TGIF!

 

Every Friday I will feature 5 LINKS to LAUGHTER. Enjoy!

HUFF POST WOMEN BEST TWEETS

TEXT FROM DOG

LIGHTEN UP!

5 STAGES OF GRADUATION GRIEF

PINSANITY!

 

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Pain: Everything You Need To Know

15 May

 

Pain, of course, is relative.

 

barbbest.com

Ouch!

Pain – the noun

1) A feeling of marked discomfort, a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: “She has a severe pain in her arse, most probably due to sitting at the computer at work all day.”

“Jury duty can be quite a pain in the neck.”

“For monthly pain, Ashley downs half a bottle of Scotch.”

2) Mental suffering or distress : “During the holidays, I am plagued by the pain of listening politely to relatives pontificate on politics, religion, and squirrel virus.”

“Waiting for hours in this line at the DMV is killing me. Oh, the pain. ARRRGH!”

“Will the Kardashians ever stop inflicting such pain upon the culture and just drop off the damn planet?”

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

3) An annoying or tedious, troublesome person or thing: “Kim’s a pain. Khloe’s a pain. Kourtney’s a pain. Kris IS a royal pain.”

4) Laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: “Great pains have been taken to cover the crimson, pulsing pimple on my nose.”

Pain – the verb

1) Cause mental or physical pain to: “It pains me to say this, but your butt looks humongous in those horizontal stripes.”

Pain – phrase

1) No pain, no gain“Suffering is necessary in order to achieve something such as losing that last 15 pounds, getting the kids to do their homework, and finishing this blog post on deadline.”

My favorite “pain.” Chocolat! Ah, oui.

pains au chocolat

pains au chocolat (Photo credit: LORO Languages Open Resources Online)

 

Great story about LUCILLE BALL and PAIN she suffered as a young adult:

*Lucille Ball: Comedienne and 

Rheumatoid Arthritis Sufferer

 Few People Realize That Lucille Ball Suffered With Rheumatoid Arthritis

By Carol Eustice, About.com Guide  (Updated October 18, 2011)

*The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter

Health Benefits of Laughter: Stress Relief, Immunity, and More

By , About.com Guide Updated January 10, 2011

 

Creative Commons License
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Copyright 2012, Barb Best

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

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Mom Advice for 20-Somethings

8 May

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents.

 

1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.

2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.

3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.

4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.

5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.

6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.

7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.

8. Brush.

9. Floss.

10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.”

11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.

12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it?  See #3.

13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)

14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.

15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.

16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.

17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!

18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.

19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.

20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.

21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.

22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.

23.  Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.

24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.

25. Don’t forget to call me on Mother’s Day 🙂

What advice do you have for 20-Somethings? Let us know!

GIRLS on HBO – Hilarious opening scene with 20-Something and her parents:

GREAT article – What Is It About 20-Somethings?

By ROBIN MARANTZ HENIG  August 18, 2010  The New York Times

 

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Photo Snap

30 Apr

Cover of "Wishful Drinking"
Cover of Wishful Drinking

Say cheese! Snap, snap, snap!  Pictures from the road…

Barbbest.com

Hilarious!

 

Caught Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” show at the Victoria Theatre in Dayton, OH.  She’s touring the country, you’ll love it. Based on her book.

 

One World Trade Center

 

NYC. Shot this pic from a cemetery at a church east of Ground Zero. It is the new One World Trade Center, now taller than the Empire State Building.

 

The Statue of Advertising

 

Selling light bulbs. And not even those twisty, super expensive ones.

 

Yum!

 

Give me your tired, your poor, your licorice lovers. Thank you Twizzler, very cool.

 

 

I’m suggesting an alternate name for this restaurant – “Sick Real Quick”

Disclaimer: Just kidding, I actually ate at this restaurant, it’s great! It’s in a Manhattan neighborhood dubbed “Curry Hill.”

The famous Woolworth Building on lower Broadway. Stay out. Dogs and actors, too.

 

Homeless on Wall Street. Don’t you love irony? I know you do.

 

 

Facial napkins (aka Kleenex) made from counterfeit hundred dollar bills. Just what I need when my allergies are flaring. Hmm, the dollar is pretty low – maybe these are real bills?

Map it!

 

Who needs a subway map or an iPhone APP when you’re wearing these nifty flip-flops?

 

 

 

Charming and funny play “Love, Loss, and What I Wore” by Nora Ephron & Delia Ephron based on the charming book by (you guessed it!) the charming Ilene Beckerman.

 

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Promotional image

Promotional image (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Top 10 Funny Mom Flicks

21 Apr

Freaky Friday

Jamie Lee Curtis – she’s the mother, she’s the daughter, she’s the mother in the daughter’s body, she’s the daughter in the mother’s body?  Whatever!  Gosh, role reversal comedies are confusing!

She jams at The House of Blues with your garage band, tells your creepy English teacher to take a hike, hops on a Harley for a love ride with the dreamy boy you’re bonkers about and smooches him good – even if it is with her lips, not yours!

Mean Girls

Amy Poehler is alpha Plastic Regina George’s “cool mom” in Tina Fey’s screenplay.

What kind of mother flaunts her breast implants, talks trash with your gal friends and offers you an afternoon cocktail?

Hey, don’t judge – it keeps her feeling young!

Hairspray

As Edna Turnblad, John Travolta is so sweet he/she oozes Cool Whip from every plus-size pore.

Apparently it takes a man to play a woman who sews, irons and love’s her blimp size body just the way it is.

Not only is she fun to go bra shopping with, but (man) can she sing and dance like nobody’s business!


Serial Mom

Even though Beverly R. Sutphin is a homicidal maniac, she has some good points.

She recycles religiously.

She defends her screwy son at a parent teacher conference by running the poor teacher over in the school parking lot with the family station wagon.

Best of all, she makes hilarious obscene phone calls to uptight neighbor ladies.

                                                                                                       “Ouch! I tore something!”

Mamma Mia

In spite of those hideous overalls she sports, Donna has a great gig in a Greek paradise and gives a decent mani-pedi.

Sure, she “works all day, works all night” but somehow still finds time to party and perform with her fun gal pals in a retro singing group.

Isn’t my jacket a hoot?

This is My Life

Mom is so clever she wears a mean polka dot and does stand up comedy.

She’s usually off in L.A. working clubs and sleeping with her agent but she leaves you in a spacious Manhattan apartment with struggling comics (a stable bunch) as your babysitters. Bless her, she tells you to brush your teeth only when you feel like it.

 

Baby Mama

“Tina Fey is such a meanie.”

What other forty year old woman can wear pigtails and still look – dare I say – cute? Amy Poehler scores again.

                            I feel like singin’

The Brady Bunch – The Movie

What’s not to love about Shelly Long?

Her Carol Brady hairdo is the best thing since Woody Woodpecker’s carmine cowlick (eat your heart out Conan O’Brien.)

She’s so square, so sixties, so insipid – she’s sexy!

 

Got a sweet tooth?

Waitress

Pie anyone? Pregnant Keri Russell talks and writes to her baby and makes a dang tasty pie, a new one every day.

Pies with names like: Fallin’ In Love Chocolate Mousse Pie, Bad Baby Pie,

Kick In The Pants Pie, Marshmallow Mermaid Pie and Naughty Pumpkin Pie.

Juno

“Teenage pregnancy is no joke, but I’m like darn amusing.”

Last but not least, an odd choice you say!  Sure, Juno’s fifteen going on fifty-five, smokes a pipe, plays acoustic guitar poorly, chats on a hamburger phone and cracks wise and tacky like a smart ass comic – but you say that as if it’s a bad thing.

Why didn’t anybody tell her not to wear horizontal stripes when she’s eighty-five pounds pregnant?

At least she has enough horse sense to realize she doesn’t quite have the right stuff (yet) to be a mommy. Oh, well – there’s a really nice lady who needs a baby.

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Mirth Mother Erma Bombeck

13 Apr

THANK YOU ERMA!

We baby boomers share a common “Mirth Mother” in beloved humorist and best selling author Erma Bombeck.

We were weaned on Erma’s wise and witty columns via newspaper clippings that our mothers proudly posted on the refrigerator door (this served as a blog in ancient times.)

While many of our mothers were marginalized by stunted cultural expectations and a crying lack of opportunity, Erma broke through those prickly barriers of her day with brilliant humor and unforgettable humanity to provide Mom with a powerful voice and much needed comic relief.

Sweetly subversive and hot damn hilarious, Erma poked enormous fun at the absurdity of women’s lives yet clearly valued parenting, marriage, and the vital importance for us all to fulfill our potential.

Erma epitomized “The One Who Does It All” – successful career, happy family – not to mention fame and fortune – all while being incredibly funny and (genuinely) nice. No small feat, but a worthy goal!

Let us thank “Erma Bombeck, Mirth Mother“ for blessing us with the inspiration, the role model and the legacy of laughter.  (Now sit up straight and stop chewing with your mouth open!)

Barb Best

Barb Best

 

Barb Best, 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner

 

Erma Bombeck Museum

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

 

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Vintage TV Comedy

11 Apr

Oh, yeah. Dick Van Dyke. Mary Tyler Moore. Carl Reiner. Rose Marie. Morey A.
In the old days when TV was on a TV set, not your laptop.

Source: amazon.com via Barb on Pinterest

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