Archive by Author

“Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box”

14 Sep

Weekend Funny 5 – Funny New Book ALERT!

Guess what? I’m moving this week. So this book is perfect… Michele feels my pain and yours.

For everyone who’s ever moved, sold a house, bought a house…

Weekend Funny Five

5 Things about Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box by Michele Wojciechowski

1. If war is hell, moving is a close second. When you put your home on the market, it has to look “livable,” but not “lived in.” Confused? So was I…

2. My husband is still addicted to The Magic Eraser. But it can’t make dirty underwear disappear.

3. Famous folks in the comedy world think my book is funny. Who? Bruce Cameron, Jenny Hagel, Tracy Beckerman, Jim Mendrinos, Jim Higley, to name just a few. Alan Zweibel, award-winning comedy writer, Thurber Prize winner, and co-author (with Dave Barry) of Lunatics writes, “Michele Wojciechowski’s humor is so smart, insightful, and witty that for a moment I thought I was reading something I’d written.”

4. Famous folks in the real estate market think it’s funny. My Realtor, Sandy Smith, even wrote the Foreword. Margaret M. Kelly, CEO RE/MAX writes, “Anyone who’s selling a home or considering it will enjoy the humor and candor in Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box…”

5. I’m a giver. To launch Next Time I Move I’m doing a fundraising comedy night Saturday, September 15 at The Catholic High School of Baltimore. Proceeds will benefit the school.

 

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HARO My Answer To A Stupid Vagina Question

12 Sep

Inspired by Naomi Wolf‘s controversial book, “Vagina: A New Biography,”

this is a real question from Monday’s HARO (Help A Reporter Out):

“Do You Have a Healthy Relationship With Your Vagina?” (Frugivore)

My response:

Thank you for asking! This is a question dear to my heart, “in-ny” belly button, and G Spot.

Oh yes, my vagina and I enjoy many lovely times together. We walk on the beach, we contemplate beautiful sunsets, we share moonlit dinners on the Palazzo. My goodness, we even shower together on a regular basis (wink, wink).

We rarely have cross words, however once a month things can get a little touchy. You know what I mean.

But most of the time, my vagina has a terrific sense of humor.  Why when I’m down, she makes me laugh.  She lifts me up.

Geez, the most awe-inspiring time we had was when we gave birth together! Wow! Hard to top that.

Maybe my vagina will write a memoir some day.  She’s actually quite gifted.  The title can be: “Vaginas Just Wanna Have Fun.”

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

More stupid questions – and stupid answers at stupidasssquestions.com

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Weekend Funny 5

7 Sep

It’s hot! Molly Campbell has a funny new book out “Characters In Search of A Novel.” Get it HERE

The New Yorker: Test Your Fashion I.Q. with Paul Rudnick

Hilarious post “Stuff People Say To New Moms” by “occasional optimist” Laura at Stroller Parking Only

Mental Floss: “17 Euphemisms for SEX From The 1880s” by Adrienne Crezo.  Clever!

Loretta LaRoche and “The Power of Humor” by Dr. Mehmet Oz at Oprah.com

BarbBestHumor

 

 

 

 

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I Feel Your “Back To School” Pain

5 Sep

According to top Health and Wellness Coaches Debbie Schroeder and Lynn Smith in their report 10 ENERGY ZAPPERS and How To Eliminate Them,

“Watching TV can lead to fatigue. The rapid cuts and edits shift your orienting response into overdrive, which leads to fatigue.”  Phooey, I say!

What causes fatigue? Working a job in your kid’s classroom!

It’s elementary, my dear room mother

backtoschool

Dear Ms. Yokelclinger,

I’m happy as Planter’s Punch you are my kid’s teacher this year. I look forward to working like a dog breaking labor laws volunteering tirelessly in the classroom. After a seemingly endless summer keeping my kids entertained, hydrated, fed, culturally stimulated, lathered with sunscreen, and blooming like buttercups, I’m really thrilled to tears to be your complete and total slave parent helper.

Because I am deliriously dedicated to my child’s education, I will be on call 24-7 should you need anything. I love to stay up ’til 4:00 a.m. doing my own work so during the day I can organize your friggin’ field trip to the friggin’ moth museum, construct the goat cart for the Kwanzaa harvest, and cook 15 dozen gluten-free, apple crumb cupcakes for Earth Day.

How precious it is that you observe so fully every idiotic holiday known to mankind and that you do it via artsy fartsy crafting. Martha Stewart would be proud of your intent, but disapproving of the grossly inferior quality you inspire.

Because I’m not fully satisfied by the joy of supervising my kids’ tedious home work, running migraine-inducing carpools, making “healthy” lunches my kids won’t chuck in the nearest dumpster, snack preparation, clothing coordination, and insisting upon occasional baths… I give myself to you.

As your unpaid assistant, I will not expect any perks, nor will my child receive any special privileges like a pass on a particularly pesky pop quiz or those God-awful push-ups in gym class. I will not, for a moment, resent your generous benefits, union protections, plum pension, or the ultimate gift – the gift of time – yes, every summer off.

If for some reason you can’t reach me (say, around mid-November or early December), I’ll be in Rehab.

Warm Fuzzies,  Your Dutiful Room Parent

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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Weekend Funny Jelly Bean Birthday 5

31 Aug

Woo hoo! It’s my birthday today. I was due on Labor Day. Ouch.

I love jelly beans – especially oddball flavors like “peach bellini” and “kiwi blast.”

Have a sweet & fun, if not funny, weekend!

Weekend Funny Jelly Bean Birthday 5

Jelly Belly flavor or  Yankee Candle scent? Mental Floss Quiz by Josh Halbur.

Info you can use… How to win a jelly bean guessing contest.

Did you know that “Jelly Bean” is a Japanese pop band?

Yes, there are “Jesus Jelly Beans.”

Fun video.  The Lazy Song (Jelly Beans Music Video)  Do you like Bruno Mars?

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A Study Guide for Your Middle School Kid Who Rocks!

28 Aug

Back to school. Exciting. Bittersweet. Often overwhelming.

This may help.

Students

 

Based on my experience…

Your kid doesn’t need a “Tiger Mom” to berate or shame him or her into being a good student.

They don’t need to be workaholics or spend all their time on homework, test prep, calculus or – God forbid – the violin!

All they need is a desire to succeed, positive motivation, respect, common sense and solid advice from a student who’s been there and done that – recently.

Help your kid!  Help yourself!

I recommend this down-to-earth study guide from Princeton University graduate Suzanne Raga in an easy to read and entertaining eBook.

*You can buy the eBook for $4.99 at Amazon and Barnes & Noble

http://yourockbook.wordpress.com/

FUNNY!   About (Late) Last Night: ‘Tiger Mother’ Amy Chua defends herself to Stephen Colbert [Video].

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Weekend Boomer Funny 5

24 Aug

5 Quickies… Aging is fun.  Here’s to your health!

What do you think of the name of this vitamin for boomer women 50+

Barb Best Humor

 

“Alive!”   Guess the one for women 60+ is called “Barely Alive?”

And the vitamin for 70+      “Alive & Kicking”

80+      “Lucky to be Alive”

90+      “More Dead than Alive”

Boomer News Baby!

And I thought I had a caffeine problem… A woman kills her husband with a coffee cup. Rather resourceful, but ouch. ABCNEWS 

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20 Tips From My Teen

21 Aug

Tina Fey‘s 5 year old daughter Alice says crazy funny things all the time. She’s constantly cracking Tina up. How cute!

Did I say… she’s five?

As daughters become older, they become increasingly brutal entertaining and wise – especially with their advice.

parenting

 

Tips From My Teen

  •   Lose the Carol Brady haircut.
  •   Nothing dates you more than saying “groovy.”
  •   Don’t chat with the grocery store cashier like she’s a long lost BFF.
  •   Don’t pay for HBO. Watch TV on your computer for free.
  •   Chill.
  •   Ordering hummus in a restaurant is wrong on many levels.
  •   No matter how whimsical you feel, leave the glitter eye shadow to Disney Pop Stars.
  •   Don’t respond to a text message right away – it looks desperate.
  •   “The Beatles” is a lousy name for a band. Get over it.
  •   Too much make-up on 5 year olds and 50 year olds is equally as scary.
  •   Chill.
  •   If you slept with JFK or Warren Beatty, I DON’T want to hear about it. I don’t even know who Warren Beatty is.
  •   Baggy pants make you look like OMG you’re wearing a diaper.
  •   Don’t panic if you can’t understand WTF your laptop is doing.
  •   Study a texting dictionary (online) of acronyms so you understand the “newfangled” lingo.
  •   Coddling the cat/dog like he’s a human child strikes many as needy.
  •   Stop with the Viva Viagra jokes. It’s LOL pathetic.
  •   Anyone seriously considering an eyebrow transplant is much older than they think they are.
  •   Sudoku is no substitute for a real hobby like windsurfing or limbo skating.
  •   Chill.

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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Weekend Funny 5

17 Aug

PALO ALTO, CA - AUGUST 03:  Swimmer Ryan Locht...

PALO ALTO, CA – AUGUST 03: Swimmer Ryan Lochte poses with the gold medals he recently won at the 2011 FINA World Championships during a photo shoot on August 3, 2011 at the Crown Plaza Cabana Hotel in Palo Alto, California. Lochte won a total of six medals at the championships, five golds and one bronze. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

Like a shirtless Paul Ryan or a shirtless Ryan Lochte…

these fashion & style gems from ’round the web struck me as amusing.  Enjoy!

  • What NOT To Wear EVER * MORE.COM  Pleated slacks? Don’t tell Diane Keaton.
  • Smiley Miley is at it again.  HUFFPOST  Bad hair day?
  • Cow Nails at HELLO GIGGLES. Got milk?
  • Top Box Wine FOXNEWS.COM Next, it’ll be a brown bag.
  • Does This Eye Shadow Make You Look Hungry? DIVINECAROLINE.COM Not exactly eye candy.

Why I Always Wear Black at MORE.COM

 

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I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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7 Signs Death Is Near

13 Aug

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1789

7 SIGNS

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a movie you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t bring home the Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

Bonus. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should google that…”

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near?

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

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