Archive by Author

April Pain: Reason to Complain

2 Apr

April Pain

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is yours?

 

Pain reason complain

Pain is Relative

Nobody has no pain. Not even a sea sponge or a nitrous oxide enthusiast.

Constant stress from styrofoam cling-on… a 2?

A nagging concern about proper toe alignment… a 1?

Cardiac surgery… a 10!

Childbirth… an 11!

A paper cut from a past due snail mail bill… a 5?

Personally, I worry that it’s wicker bag season. I hate wicker. It cannot compete with calfskin, cotton canvas or nylon as an accessory… a 2?

I love a Ceasar salad, but croutons annoy. They lack character. They either try too hard or not enough… a 3?

Perspective

Pain is subjective, but so is pleasure and joy.

Covid-19 pandemic, lockdown hell, illness and death… 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 +

My arm hurts – not from the shot – but from logging onto numerous websites for days, weeks, months trying to nail an appointment for the vaccine… not even a 1.

Scientists seek ways to finally take real measure of pain…

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-01-scientists-ways-real-pain.html

 

JUST IN TIME!  APRIL IS NATIONAL HUMOR MONTH 🙂

 

I Feel Your Pain

National Humor Month

Survey This: Are Surveys A Pet Peeve of Yours?

1 Mar

Customer Service

And the survey says…

we hate surveys!

Survey Pet Peeve

 

Too many questions!

Too many urgent requests for mindless opinions.

Are we all so famished for feedback?

Lengthy surveys for every inconsequential product and service.

Screens of redundant questions on minute aspects of a minor service or product.

Who cares?

You had a 15-second interaction on a phone call with our service representative “Urina” regarding

a delivery of Acme Paper Clips and a survey is emailed, texted and dropped on your head by a drone four

minutes later.

Surveys Pet Peeve

 

 

 

 

Rate Your Experience 🙂

a) Did Urina solve your problem? Not your big problem (you seem to have so many), but your product issue with Acme Paper Clips.

b) Was she/he/? at least friendlier than most of your friends and family members?

c) In the call, did you suspect bad breath? Bad vibes? A mood disorder?

d) Did Urina explain – in simple terms that the average Golden Retriever can understand – the technology involved with your issue?

e) Would you recommend our company Acme Paper Clips to other clueless customers who feel lost when navigating the paperclip world?

f) Would you spend five minutes of your precious life to write a pithy 5 Star review for us on Instagram, Facebook, Yelp, Twitter and Dogpile?

Gee, thanks! This saves us a boatload of money on advertising fees and – guess what – no need to hire a marketing team.

And the survey says…

Resembling Tina Fey helps! Winning!

Groundhog Day: The Date, The Movie, The Legend

2 Feb

Groundhog Day: The Date, The Movie, The Legend

Groundhog Day

Ho Hum. February 2nd is Groundhog Day weather you like it or not.

The much maligned beaver and the irrelevant aardvark should have such marketing teams behind them.

BTW why doesn’t the groundhog have a mask on?

Is he alone on his laptop?

2021’s Groundhog Day will be virtual

When the groundhog sees his shadow, perhaps it’s merely the positioning of the TV cameras and lighting?

Comedy Classic

And yet, out of all the groundhog drivel, hype and hoopla exists a hilarious movie,

a comedy classic.

BILL MURRAY

 

Who needs Groundhog Day when you’ve got “Groundhog Day” the movie?

DUST OFF YOUR UKULELE

FYI FEBRUARY 2nd is also Play Your Ukulele Day

Who knew?

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/play-your-ukulele-day/

 

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

3 Jan

Friends: Our Dubious Achievements of 2020

While contemplating goals and intentions for the new year 2021 (yawn),

I asked pals, “What have I and/or you accomplished in 2020?”

 

Dubious Achievements friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prolific artistic output?  A thick, juicy novel ripe with creative breakthroughs?

A slew of wonderful new paintings — like 83 year old David Hockney?

After a totally non-scientific study and truly shallow analysis…

Ta Da!

[…]

Pandemic Fatigue OR a Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

1 Dec

Pandemic fatigue has set in

According to the World Health Organization (WHO as in Dr. Who) pandemic fatigue is expressed by demotivation in adhering to “protective” orders, hopelessness and alienation.

Baby boomers, Millennials, Gens X, Y and Zers – all ages suffer from this malady.

Ironically, it causes exhaustion from not doing stuff.

We are tired of this.

Rumor has it PF is more contagious than Covid itself.

Regression Anybody?

 

Pandemic fatigue humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

A QUIZ FOR YOU

Are You Suffering from PF OR Are You A Three-Month-Old Feral Baby?

 

  • I wear stained clothes everyday.
  • I take five naps a day.
  • I suck my shirt sleeve and gaze into the abyss.
  • I startle and screech when the dog barks.
  • I bawl my brains out uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
  • I let a few big, stinky ones rip while I drink my lunch.
  • I vomit my breakfast in the car on the way to pick up an antidiarrheal and a crate of Chux.
  • I curl up in a fetal position and grab my feet.
  • I suck my toes.
  • I babble to the cat.
  • I suck my fingers and stick them in the nearest electrical outlet.
  • I cry for mommy. I cry for daddy. I cry for the Amazon Prime delivery person.

 

pandemic fatigue humor
laughing pandemic fatigue humor
Pandemic fatigue humor

If you answered “No” to  1-12 questions, you’re a baby! Goo Gaa!

If you answered “Yes” to  1-12 questions, you have a bad case of PF AND you’re a big, fat baby!

Either way, you will grow stronger from this nightmare and smile someday.

Pandemic fatigue sucks.

HO HO HO!!!

IT’S DECEMBER – DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MASK of JOY IS?

THE ONLY SELF-HELP GUIDE YOU WILL NEED FOR THE NEW YEAR!

THE MISERY MANIFESTO – A MONTH-TO-MONTH SURVIVAL GUIDE

 

Kindle e-book and paperback
https://amzn.to/3lr4Wf5

 

Holidays: ‘Tis the Season to Survive the Stress

Daylight Savings Time: I Got Circadian Rhythm

1 Nov

Daylight Savings Time: I Got Circadian Rhythm

Daylight savings time

Tick tock, tick tock.

Turn your clock back or is it forward?

Fall back, spring ahead, fall forward, spring back?

Daylight savings time is like kimchee – nobody seems to like it.

And yet there it is.

It’s fake time!

Even the dog and cat are confused by it.

 

Daylight savings time Circadian Rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does anybody really know what time it is?

 

 

As if the pandemic hasn’t skewed your sense of time over these tedious months,

The powers that be shall now screw with your Circadian rhythm!

So much for your delicate sleep routine.

Your internal clock will be out of whack again.

There will be more darkness, less light.

 

Daylight savings time Circadian rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank God for caffeine

 

Daylight savings time Circadian rhythm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rhythm

How do I keep time?

I got rhythm!  I got caffeine! Who could ask for anything more?

 

 

 

Alarm Clocks are Evil and Sleep is Divine

Bored at Home? Fresh Ideas to Banish Boredom

2 Oct

Banish boredom at home

Are People Dying of Boredom?

Due to Covid, we are (duh) spending a helluva lot more time at home.

Surprise! Many people tell me they are dying of boredom.

To put it bluntly, they are in a rut.

 

Banish boredom at home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cambridge Dictionary

World-Weary

Someone who is world-weary is not enthusiastic about anything, often because they have had too much experience of a particular way of life.

 

Boredom is Dumb

What am I doing to pass the time? To keep intellectually stimulated, emotionally engaged and (more or less) awake?

Oh, and not bored.

A few examples:

 

  • Installing a wine window in my home office. Salut!

 

  • Experimenting with at-home mole removal. Ouch.

 

  • Teaching my pet duck to straighten up and fly right. What can I say, he has issues.

 

  • Tweaking that decadent rum cinnamon pecan caramel bun recipe. Practice makes perfect.

 

Bored at Home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Woo hoo! Going craft crazy. Etsy beware! Don’t miss my elegant skeleton nipple jewelry and my one-of-a-kind pumpkin glitter art decoupage. Busy hands are happy hands.

 

  • Giving Fitbit a run (actually a walk) for its money. Come all, join the Fitbit cult of Stepford spouses. Ho hum Step, Ho Hum Step, Ho Hum Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz Step. Zzzz…

 

  • Toilet training the cat. So what if he’s nine years old? It’s never too late to embrace baseless optimism.

 

Banish boredom at home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can’t be Bored While Laughing

 

 

 

World Weary

 

 

Dedicated to the Year 2020

 

Home Stuck Home? 7 Really FUN Things to Do Really!

Social Distancing: The Howard Hughes Guide

5 Sep

Social Distancing Pointers from Howard Hughes

Having trouble social distancing

being stuck at home

how ’bout

taking some grooming tips from

the eccentric, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes –

you will not only be successfully distanced…

people will stay clear away from you!

 

social distancing guide howard hughes

Image Wikimedia Commons

 

DO IT LIKE HOWARD!

  • Wash your hands 15 times a day – so what if you’re wearing gloves? You don’t need a pandemic to be Mr. Clean.

 

  • Wear Kleenex box hats. Nothing like protective headgear to make you feel safe and sound. And much more stylish than a tin foil cap.

 

  • Only bed busty actresses and only have sex with them once, then gorge yourself for months on their housekeeper’s baked goods – while they fantasize about marrying you and helping you handle your filthy millions.

 

Social Distancing Howard Hughes

Image Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Grow foot-long, curly fingernails that put Elvira to shame.

 

  • Don’t trim – or comb – your beard for a decade.

 

All in jest.

Books

Read these fantastic biographies of the genius Howard Hughes

Movies

ICYMI… here is a great movie about Howard Hughes

The Aviator (2004) Official Trailer #1 – Leonardo DiCaprio

 

 

 

Immunity: 7 Ways to Boost Your Immunity Right Now!

7 Aug

Immunity: 7 Ways to Boost Your Immunity Right Now!

Boost Your Immunity

What to do when there’s a health crisis of biblical proportions?

Beef up your defenses. Build your resistance. Bolster your gut health.

There’s no better time than a global pandemic to boost your immunity!

BTW it’s also a dandy time to write your will and ditch your boring diet.

 

Immunity Boosters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Think I’m Sexy?

Predatory invaders – whether they be Covid-19, flesh-eating bacteria, or the good ole stand-by chicken pox – want your body.

 

Hacks from Quacks

You can UP your immunity by employing a strategy involving medicinal (barf) food, habits of hardship and dubious herbal supplements.

 

Immunity Boosters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FUN Health Advice

  • Practice safe socializing! Wrap yourself in layers of bubble wrap before interacting with any live humans. This prophylactic will protect you and them. God knows you have enough packing materials from the Amazon Prime buying binges you’ve been on.

 

  • Nothing says social distancing like garlic and onions on your breath, in your hair, seeping out of the pores of your sallow skin. Load up on the bitter bulbs and people will keep their distance.

 

  • Don’t forget. A spoonful of sugar helps the foul smelling kimchi and fetid apple cider vinegar go down. And by “spoonful” I mean “cup.”

 

  • Warning. Expensive immunity-boosting supplements may leave a hole in your wallet and your Sigmoid Colon.

 

  • Intermittent fasting will build your tolerance for suffering and deprivation. Germs respect that. So suck it up.

 

  • Splurge on scads of Vitamin A, B, C and D. Now I know my ABC’s…

 

 

  • Walk around holding an umbrella 24-7. This will catch any viral droplets hanging over your head.

 

  • Bonus! Tend to your mental health. If necessary, paint the interior of your home a soothing Aqua and pretend you live in a spa by the sea.  Namaste.

 

Oh Health: A Pop Quiz

 

BarbBestHumorBlog

Available on Amazon

 

Joke or Jerk? Sometimes a Joke is Just a Joke

16 Jul

Joke Lighten Up

Lighten Up!

In defense of kind-hearted humor

 

Joke Lighten Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No kidding!

Sometimes a joke is just a joke.

And not a deliberate manipulation, power play, micro aggression, political attack or intended personal offense.

A Joke is just a Joke

Image taken from a University of Alabama site, “Approaches to Modernism”: [1], Fair use

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funny

Sometimes a jest, a quip or a pun is not a Freudian slip – but merely a leap at silliness, a feeble attempt at levity, a verbal slide on a banana peel.

Amazon Jokes Freud

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like almost everything else in this imperfect world, sometimes comedy is really dumb,

but…

Laughter and Play

can bring people closer together and unite them.

Lighten Up Jokes

 

 

 

 

 

Positive humor

Take a flight into whimsy,

a playful swing at fun,

a flirtation with optimism,

a respite from burdensome reality.

Laughter can be the best (if not the cheapest) medicine.

 

Learn more about applied and therapeutic humor…

AATH Humor

 

The Association for Applied & Therapeutic Humor 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Humor Academy

The Humor Academy

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free Laughs

 

 

I Started A Joke * Puddles Pity Party