Archive by Author

Binge on Holiday Food: Death by Fruitcake

7 Dec

Binge on Holiday Food: Death by Fruitcake

Holiday Food Binge: Death by Fruitcake

Want to die doing what you love? Eating!

How about binging on the irresistible holiday treats that are ubiquitous this time of year?

Four out of five sugar addicts agree – holiday food is the best way to go.

Death by fruitcake humor blog

 

Fruitcake Binge

Like ukulele music, you either love fruitcake or you hate it.

There are at least two ways to die via fruitcake.

1) A serious fruitcake is basically a brick, therefore a sharp, well-directed blow to the noggin will surely end your days on this side of the rose garden.

2) Consume an entire fruitcake in one sitting. Binge, baby, binge! At 500 calories per serving and 10 servings per brick, your poor heart will go gaga struggling to pump and process the sugar, saturated fat, and dried (albeit unidentifiable) fruit. Vital organs will not make the grade; they will fail.

Eggnog Splurge

Have some eggnog with that fruitcake, and you will never have to worry about long-term care. One cup of eggnog = 400 calories. If you concoct it right, eggnog is pure saturated fat + enough sugar to make you gag. Go ahead. Spike that eggy grog with cognac, bourbon, rum, rubbing alcohol, whatever works to cut the sweetness.

Binge on Holiday Food

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gingerbread Men Orgy

When it comes to Gingerbread Persons (especially men), size matters! Calories vary – 340 calories for Big & Tall Men and 140 calories for our Petite Pals. That’s butt naked – without the frosting. No fret – ginger is good for you.

Pecan Pie Spree

It is important to mention that a slice of pecan pie = 500 calories. I submit that every calorie is well worth it.

After all, pecan pie doesn’t grow on trees, and you can have an apple or an orange any old time.

Food for Thought

Savor.

Splurge.

Binge.

Enjoy!

Happy Holidays!

Dumb Ways to Die 🙂

PLAY: Word Lovers & Car License Vanity Plates

22 Nov

Thanksgiving: Word Lovers & Car License Vanity Plates

Play with Your Words

After all, what good is life if you can’t amuse yourself, play a game, have some fun?

Long Car Trips

According to the AAA, “49.3 million travelers will hit the road this Thanksgiving, the most since 2005 and 2.8% more than last year.”

So Where’s the FUN in sitting in the car for hours?

Thanksgiving word lovers license plates

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Word Lovers, FUN is Reading Car License Vanity Plates

The PLAY is in the PLATES 🙂

You’ll discover the expression of individual spirit, feelings, attitude, identity, creativity, humor, and style.

[…]

Leftover Halloween Candy: Come On, Be Creative!

5 Nov

Sweet!

Leftover Halloween Candy Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leftover Halloween Candy – Holiday Curse or Blessing?

Okay, you bought enough fertilizer-size bags of Halloween candy to feed an army of carpenter ants, but

… WHAT?

Only five lousy kids came to your door trick or treating…

and two of those were your own?

[…]

Doom & Doomer: Therapy Music Videos

16 Oct

Doom and Doomer

Is the world in crisis? Doomed?

Is it careening toward complete death and destruction?

Are you worried about the future of your children, grandchildren, and young pets?

Doom and Doomer Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apocalypse Anxiety

Are you in a frantic funk?  Devoid of hope?

May I suggest some doomsday therapy.

Watching music videos of Iconic Sixties Tunes will ironically help you feel better.

No Kidding

You think it’s bad now…

Guess what?

… it’s always bad 🙂 […]

Amuse the News: Give Me Funny not Infuriating!

2 Oct

Not all news is a nightmare designed to give you an ulcer.

Read all about it!

Amuse the News

If you boycott current events for merely a day,

you will miss amazing, funny stories like these special ones I have curated

just for you. 🙂

 

News to Amuse Cheese Funny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say Cheese

New York Post

Shrewd 9-year-old fills lip balm tube with cheese to eat in class 

With stories like this, I am no longer worried about today’s youth.

Kid is clever. So what if the teacher is lactose intolerant?

I would plead “I have legal rights! This is my therapy cheese.”

Lesson learned. Don’t leave home without your cheese.

*** […]

Work & Retirement: All You Really Need to Know

14 Sep

Retirement for workaholics?

It happens!

Sort of.

Work Retirement Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When a Type-A workaholic retires from his or her long standing employment,

 

No matter the age,

 

New life skills must be learned… especially when one is married.

[…]

Overthinking Over & Over: It’s Hard Labor

2 Sep

THINK RHYMES WITH STINK

Do you think about something too much or for too long?

Overthinking will cast a dark cloud on your sunny song.

ThinkingHard Labor Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Thinking, for many, is hard labor.

And overthinking can be downright debilitating.

NO WORRY

Love this quote from cartoonist, editor, and author Bob Mankoff

Humor is the antidote… […]

Colonoscopy: Thoughts While Waiting for One

15 Aug

Thoughts While Waiting for a Colonoscopy

Sooner or later, we all have this medical procedure done.

humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My thoughts

My colonoscopy

 

  • At least I get to lie down for awhile. I could use a nap. Too bad it takes an invasive medical procedure and an I.V. propofol drip to cop a snooze. Michael Jackson, I feel your pain.

 

  • The slit in the back of this gown is rather stylish. Perhaps a new fashion trend? Maybe the holes in jeans are in the wrong places.

[…]

Meetings: Thoughts While Dozing at an HOA Meeting

1 Aug

Meetings

Can you die of boredom?

Death certificate will read: Cause of death – Meetings!

“She was hanging in there pretty well, but then a meeting did her in.”

 

Boring Meetings Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moi

Sure, I look alert and interested in this HOA meeting.

I’ll bet my faux expression of keen attention is fooling the overbearing board members and those oddly perky neighbors sitting next to me.

If it weren’t for the rampant yawns, the tears streaming down my face, and the occasional uncontrolled giggling – they’d have not a clue that I’m bored silly.

Bored in a Meeting Humor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts While Sitting at a Meeting

  •  OMG I’d rather be antiquing in Provence… or even Poughkeepsie.

[…]

Neighbors to Love: 7 Posts from Next Door

19 Jul

Love Thy Neighbors

Like family, we don’t choose them.

Neighbors

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A wonderful neighbor is a blessing and a friend.

A crazy neighbor is a curse from hell.

nosy neighbors

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[…]