Are You Old? 12 SIGNS “Death” is Near!

4 Apr

“… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin 1789

Cheers!

Cheers!


12 SIGNS “DEATH” IS NEAR

1. Loss of appetite. Your insane food cravings for salt and sweets no longer compel you to stick up a gas station or shoplift Snickers bars at a 7-11.  “The Hunger Games” is merely a kids’ flick you wouldn’t watch for all the cat food money in the free world.

2. Gravity has won. You have more wrinkles on your neck and chin than the average pug.

3. Sex. Your orgasms “don’t always bring home The Gold.” You know what I mean.

4. You don’t LOL when you watch “Portlandia.” You don’t know what “Portlandia” is. You don’t know what LOL is.

5. You stalk babies in the grocery store and insist upon conversing S-L-O-W-L-Y with them while the poor mother – who’s typically had five decent hours of sleep in the past fifteen months – is passing out from politeness.

6.  Changes in Urination.   You constantly have to – or are – peeing. This could merely be due to menopause or to post childbearing bladder stretch syndrome, as evidenced in the family car trip “The Griswolds Got Nothin’ On Us” by Dawn Weber at Lighten Up!

7. You forget to breathe. Like all the darn time. Especially when you’re fussing a blue streak ’cause your panties are in a twist for no good reason… which is unfortunately most of the time. Less hot air anyway.

8. Social Media Withdrawal. You no longer share those important life events with the online world, such as “Had a yummy dish of tapioca pudding today” and “Went shell collecting with Geezer” and “I saw a puppy today. Don’t you love puppies?”  Your last tweet is “Helgrghhrrrposht!”  Your last Facebook post is prophetic, “That’s odd. My fingers and toes are berry blue and ice cold to the touch. Maybe I should Google that…”

9.  Location. Location. Location. You are reclining in a cozy donut pool float, gloriously buzzed on Jamaican rum cocktails, drifting in the balmy blue Caribbean… but a hungry shark has a hankering for your pricey, dutifully applied 70 SPF face lotion.

10.  Politics. You’ve stopped screaming like a banshee at the cable news channels.

11.  Loss of thirst for your favorite wine, Chateau St. Jean French Chardonnay. Say it ain’t so.

12.  Sex Again. You no longer consider running away with the beefy UPS guy a viable option.

BONUS:  Money. Compulsive couponing has lost its charm. You finally realize you can’t take that extra 15 cents with you? Damn.

I’m just dyin’ to hear… ho,ho… how will YOU know… death is near? Tweet me @HaBarb

No octogenarians or curmudgeons were harmed in the writing of this post.

Hilarious book! Check it out:  HOW NOT TO ACT OLD by Pamela Redmond Satran

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