Alternative Uses for your $350, 15 Pound Anti-Anxiety Blanket

14 May

Alternative Uses for your $350, 15 Pound Anti-Anxiety Blanket

 

Alternative Uses for your Anti-Anxiety Blanket

 

Anti-Anxiety blankets for adults are all the rage.

They come in varying weights – heavy and heavier.

They are advertised as being the solution to all of your problems with insomnia, anxiety, depression, Asperger’s, chronic back pain, red velvet cupcake cravings, extreme couponing, and the bovine blues.

Plus, they are more FUN than a strait jacket!

However

If for some reason, your weighted blanket doesn’t calm you, but instead causes sleep paralysis or nightmares that you’re being suffocated by a colossal beanbag…

Alternative Uses for your Anti-Anxiety Blanket

Eureka!

 

Alternative Uses for your $350, 15 Pound Anti-Anxiety Blanket

  1. Functions as a saddle when giving young children horsey rides or for your own equine pleasure with consenting adults.

 

  1. Great for muscle toning. Pump like barbells. It’s never too early to fend off osteopenia, pop a neck vein, or jerk yourself a hiatal hernia.

 

  1. Works as a cost-effective, minimally attractive base for your Xmas tree or beach umbrella.

 

  1. Makes a fitting shroud for your conked out sex robot.

 

  1. Doubles as a cement body bag for that difficult family member or colleague who owes you money.

 

  1. Perfect for hiding from chirpy hospital clowns.

 

  1. A stylish complement to your rigor mortis inducing bamboo sleepwear.

 

  1. Midget wrestling mat.

 

  1. Ideal comfort gift for the close friend suffering from pet grief, opioid addiction, alcohol poisoning, or a sugar coma.

 

  1. Highly effective dog behavioral tool. Successful corrective for incorrigible barkers.

 

  1. Feeling crapulous? Of course you are! Your weighted blanket is a curative for killer hangovers. Cop a fetal position, duck, and cover.

 

  1. Perfect for extinguishing those pesky incidents of spontaneous human combustion.

 

  1. Baby gift for obese infant.

 

  1. Use to curb basement flooding as climate change causes the sea levels to rise.

 

  1. Captain Obvious. Suffocate the spouse. Collect the life insurance.

 

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