Enclosed is your annual Valentine’s Day evaluation. Comments will address key aspects of your holiday performance.
1. You receive above average marks on maintaining a positive attitude for most of the evening. We’ll forgive (but not forget) the grumbling under your breath when I sweetly requested you serenade me with “Baby.”
2. You demonstrated initiative and creativity (albeit with my constant prodding and direction) by making plum restaurant reservations for the mandatory romantic dinner.
3. You enthusiastically participated in the consuming of the extravagant calorie laden meal and (especially) the drinking of the inordinately over-priced French champagne.
4. Needs improvement. It is acutely evident that you need to work on the development of greater concentration skills (soup spoons are not percussion instruments) and on becoming a better listener.
What? Huh? What did you say? Huh?
5. Bravo. You score big points for ordering a decadent dessert for us to share, then letting me wolf down the whole thing by myself.
I will forever cherish the memory of that heart-shaped, Cointreau-laced, triple dark cocoa crème mousse cake.
OH… MY… GOD!
6. Gift Giving: Frankly, this is an area where I’d like to see significant improvement. A “Vajazzle Home Kit” is not an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift for a woman of my substance – even though you insist it was a joke.
Please remember that there is nothing – nada, zip, zero, NOTHING – funny about Valentine’s Day.
This is serious business, Mister!
7. Gold Star: I want to commend you for admiring the gift of fine jewelry that I went ahead and purchased for myself with your Platinum Visa card. Please work on those organizational skills.
8. Flowers: The red roses were okay, but you neglected to remove the price sticker from the crappy grocery store wrapper.
FYI – Straight men are allowed inside florist shops. Embrace your frilly metro sexual side. Yellow ribbons and coral orchids never hurt anyone!
9. Chocolate. Below average marks. Hershey’s Kisses are kibble for runny nosed kindergarteners, not succulent aphrodisiacs potent enough to kindle the heavenly loins of your beloved sweetheart.
10. Chocolate – Part Two. Hint: G-O-D-I-V-A has a web site that offers Double Cream Gourmet Truffles to cry for, plus emergency delivery.
Godiva Chocolate! They love Platinum Visa.
11. Kudos! You excelled in the demonstration of physical affection. You get an “A+” for effort. This is a strength you obviously take pride in.
Please note that (being male) you can always benefit from listening, paying attention, and following instructions.
12. Plays well with others. See “demonstration of physical affection.”
I am happy to have you in my relationship this year and look forward to increasingly rewarding times together.
Your loving girlfriend,
XO XO XO
*For more Valentine’s Day humor by America’s funniest writers, hook up with My Funny Valentine on Amazon.
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License