In the spirit of LESS materialism… Thank you, but please DON’T buy me the following:
*A sexySanta gift… especially if I’ve been naughty. What’s with the “We wish you a slutty Xmas!” sentiment? Watch out – Frosty the Snowman is so hot and bothered, he may melt.
*An e-card with a slide share of cutesy farm animals singing Christmas carols. Stay out of my inbox! It’s messy enough in there. [...]
In honor of Mother’s Day, here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents.
1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.
2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.
3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.
4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.
5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.
6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.
7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.
8. Brush.
9. Floss.
10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.”
11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.
12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it? See #3.
13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)
14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.
15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.
16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.
17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!
18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.
19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.
20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.
21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.
22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.
23. Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.
24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.
25. Don’t forget to call me on Mother’s Day
What advice do you have for 20-Somethings? Let us know!
GIRLS on HBO – Hilarious opening scene with 20-Something and her parents:
I love holidays. They have the power to distract from the humdrum that is perhaps 99.9999% of our lives.
Take a regular, run-of-the-mill day or month, proclaim it a holiday, and presto – it’s special. It instantly becomes blog fodder, a popular theme for school activities, a reason to party, and a barrel of marketing opportunities.
Photo Credit: The Carmel Institute of Humor
In case you missed it,
April is the 36th Anniversary
of National Humor Month.
“National Humor Month was founded in 1976 by best-selling humorist Larry Wilde, Director of The Carmel Institute of Humor. It is designed to heighten public awareness on how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality of one’s life.”
It is fitting that April, the clammy month that begins with a spirit of play on April Fool’s Day and includes the dreaded April 15th, Tax Day, celebrate comic relief.
Research studies claim the physical, psychological, and social benefits of humor are tremendous. But have you heard the latest – that humor is an aphrodisiac?
Zoosk “National Humor Month” Survey Finds Humor is An Aphrodisiac – MarketWatch.
