Life Is… just a bowl of organic, over-priced cherries.
Life is… a day at the nude beach (and I forgot my sunscreen and umbrella hat).
Had a boob job yesterday.
Actually… it was a mammogram from hell*
This mammogram was a slammogram.
A grand slammo.
Ladies… you know the drill.
Your bountiful breasts are slammed onto a cold glass panel (oddly similar to a shelf in your refrigerator), then pressed mercilessly ’til your eyes water or your ears bleed (whichever comes first).
Then the technician runs to her safe place across the room and shouts, “Don’t breathe.”
(“Honey… no problem. I stopped breathing with the first cringing slam.”)
Women… feel our pain!
Forget ’bout water boarding. A grueling slammo on private parts will make grown men squeal like rats.
*Disclaimer: Truly hellish is “Lumps, cysts, malignancies are suspected and/or found.”
* Don’t forget to schedule your annual mammogram.
* Do jokes need warning labels and legal disclaimers now?
Do you like puns?
Do you enjoy punning?
Is it true that a pun is the lowest form of wit?
Is a pun fun?
I love the wordplay involved, and even if the pun is a painfully obvious one… I appreciate the intent and the effort.
It’s my observation that most boys/men tend to appreciate punning more than most girls/women, or say, your average cocker spaniel.
Why is this? Perhaps because the male species is accustomed to playing with… their food? Their cars? Or whatever?
Fun Signs I have spotted:
“Catfish In The Rye”
“Go ahead. Mako my day!”
“Weapons of Bass Destruction”
Here’s to more restaurants with a sense of play! Bon appetitter.
“I’ll sleep when I die!” – Lady Gaga
I am proud to announce…
I have made a significant discovery which will advance science and help humankind.
TA DA! […]
“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams
You’re so vain…
You probably think this post is about you! Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?
You’d be wrong
Vanity car license plates… I am obsessed with them.
Not surprisingly, in Los Angeles, vanity car plates are as common as DD breast implants and Botox.
One would expect a plethora of personalized plates in a community whose members are both incredibly vain and supremely creative.
Vanity car plates often share an entertaining spirit of play and fun. Often the words form a puzzle to solve – perfect for wordsmiths like me sitting in gridlock. “GR8INBD” “STARGAZR” “1 LYNER” […]
Summer Time and the livin’ is… easy?
Maybe if you ignore your mile-long “TO DO” List.
Chuck it – Yes! – Chuck that Summer Sand Bucket List!
My Summer “TO DO” List is starting to resemble my annual “New Year Resolutions.”
Not a bad time to recycle.
My TO DO List for SUM-SUM-SUM SUMMER:
- Do nothing. (Unfortunately, so much harder than it sounds. Like meditation or quitting caffeine.)
If I MAY…
No, it’s not World Trim That Belly Fat Day or
Belly Button Lint Awareness Week or even
National Spinach in Your Front Teeth Month… […]
Enjoy a laugh or twenty with your kids!
Funny MOM movies for Mother’s day!
Some of our faves…
Jamie Lee Curtis – she’s the mother, she’s the daughter, she’s the mother in the daughter’s body, she’s the daughter in the mother’s body? Whatever! Gosh, role reversal comedies are confusing!
She jams at The House of Blues with your garage band, tells your creepy English teacher to take a hike, hops on a Harley for a love ride with the dreamy boy you’re bonkers about and smooches him good – even if it is with her lips, not yours!
What kind of mother flaunts her breast implants, talks trash with your gal friends and offers you an afternoon cocktail?
Hey, don’t judge – it keeps her feeling young! […]
Hooray for MAY!
April was National Stress Awareness Month… which frankly was rather stressful.
Remembering to breathe and all that nonsense. Geez, what a chore!
My BEST TIPS to RELAX ALREADY
- Have coffee (for the beans) in the a.m. and red wine (for the antioxidants) in the p.m.
- Eat quality dark chocolate daily in amounts larger than your cell phone but smaller than your head.
- When feeling anxious, play with something small and furry… maybe a cat or dog or ? Use your imagination.
- Smile effortlessly ’til it hurts.
- Help someone else… unless it involves excessive blood loss or advanced calculus.
- Help someone else help you. Particularly satisfying! Requires an appreciation for manipulation, or as most successful leaders refer to it – motivation.
- Laugh for no reason ’til you develop TMJ or until you are shunned by family, friends, and lonely strangers on the street.
- Instead of an onerous work-out in the gym, take a nap with a pair of earplugs and a gas mask.
- Don’t drink green tea unless you love green tea. You know it and I know it – sometimes it tastes like expensive hand soap.
- Have your kids and spouse write a gratitude list. Hopefully you’ll be mentioned now and then. This will make you feel good. Then request a massage… if they are truly grateful, they will comply.
See you on Twitter… I’m @HaBarb
“More fun than a trip to the dentist!”
I Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License