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What Women Want

6 Feb

Gunfire is illegal, so here’s a poem in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

 

 

                                              WHAT THE HELL DO WOMEN WANT ANYWAY?

 

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

 

Kill the black widow spider

Smash the horse fly

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

 

Pulverize the prowler

In one Superman swoop,

No spurting blood

No cracking bones

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

No messes, but do it now.

 

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Purr like a kitten, tiger

Dance the Howdy Doody

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

Shower me with mortal sins.

 

Sail me love letters

In my alphabet soup

Stir it hard,

Use your imagination,

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

 

What do women want, dude?

Most of all?

At least try to enthrall,

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

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Vote for Comedy

10 Jan

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

Comedy

You go, Girl!

 

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

 

Comedy

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

 

Hairy Christmas!

21 Dec

1-800-Pet-Meds

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet? Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants? According to the L.A. Times, an Associated Press-Petside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year. Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

poundrescue.com

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!) Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides? Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces? He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds. Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening. Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…) Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows? A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too. If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him? It’s the gift that keeps giving. After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs? Memo from the cat: It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!! * We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

MORE Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

14 Dec

Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

 

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

 

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.SkyMallIt’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

 

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids

SkyMall

Dogs are too dumb for this!


Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

 

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

 

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

SkyMallTo hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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What do you collect? Comment & Win!

22 Nov

My guest co-blogger this week is “Ditchthebun” from Sydney, Australia. Her blog is interesting and a lot of fun.  Thank you Ditchthebun!

BARB:   Everybody has a collection of some sort.Over the years, I’ve collected travel brochures, ceramic clowns, Mardi Gras comedy tragedy masks, Playbills, water globe souvenir pens, New Yorker Magazines, hot air balloon art prints, vintage postcards, and scented erasers.

Erasers!

I’ve known people who’ve collected china teacups, ceramic salt and pepper shakers, Lladro Porcelain figurines, Swarovski crystal, Rubik’s cubes, Barbie dolls, rock concert tee shirts, Netsukes, first edition books, playing cards, Beanie Babies, owl-dog-cat-bluebird chotchkes, toy elephants, swizzle sticks, refrigerator magnets, ex-husbands, and pet ashes.

Sloane Crosley described her cache of plastic ponies in the essay “The Pony Problem” in her hilarious New York Times Bestseller I Was Told There’d Be Cake published by Riverhead Books.

Ditchthebun collects ice-cube trays and molds. I find this fascinating, then again maybe I don’t bake or entertain enough.

DITCHTHEBUN:

Brains

We actually bought one for my cousin who is studying to be a doctor. It was basically a gag gift. Apparently he uses it all the time. His medical friends loved it so much, he asked me to get him more for them. Somehow I ended up with a spare.

“Oooh BrAiN fOoD!”

BARB: I hope that’s chocolate.

Chillbots Robots

Technically I think my fiancé bought these to give as a gift to a friend of his, but somehow they never got further than our house. I think he’s getting as bad as me now… he called me in the other night to show me a space invaders ice-cube tray.

Gin & Titonic

These were bought for use at one of my parents’ New Years Eve parties the year of the dreaded Y2K. The theme was World’s End and these ice cubes were in a punch bowl labelled “Going Down with the Ship.” I still have no idea what she put in that punch, but it tasted amazing and made my head all tingly :D

BARB: I’d like to see Leonardo DiCaprio ice cubes. Use your imagination.

Hearts

Originally these heart trays were bought to make rocky road hearts for bon bonnier for our wedding, but a few last minute stresses have severely limited our time so we’ve gone with something far more simple.

BARB: Simple like Twinkies or Hostess cupcakes?

Guitars

These were for my brother’s birthday party. I still claim them as my own, but they are rarely home these days.  Every Easter I make them into chocolate molds and decorate the top for my brother.

Penguins

Honestly I don’t think there was a rhyme or reason behind getting these. I thought they were cute and the tray cost $2 so I thought why not?! Mostly use just for myself in a drink on a Friday afternoon after work :D   (Or when someone has forgotten to fill the regular ice tray yet again and is desperate for ice – you know a macho man is desperate when he has chubby penguins floating in his scotch and coke).

BARB: Penguin ice cubes – perfect for a global housewarming party.

Baby Feet

This has been used several times for baby showers, baby naming days etc. I think technically it is supposed to be used for fondant, but I don’t really like fondant.  So I have taken to making milk, dark, white & marble chocolate feet. They are a huge hit.

What do YOU collect? We’d love to know! Let us know briefly under “Comments” and win a new copy of The Beverly Hills Organizer’s Home Organizing Bible: A Pro’s Answer to Your Organizing Prayers.

*Winner will be selected on December 1st, 2011. Good luck!

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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Photo Credit: hotshotproducts.org


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