Barb Best

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

You go, girl!

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

Good luck, honey!

1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mark Twain

Back Off Buster!

If, like me, you suspect the downfall of the western world is imminent and most likely due to technology gone wild, dumb as rock politicians, the annoying media, rusty nipple rings, and those damn Kardashians…

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

I Believe I Can Fly!

My Cat massaging My Dog

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

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1-800-Pet-Meds

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet? Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants? According to the L.A. Times, an Associated Press-Petside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year. Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

poundrescue.com

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!) Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides? Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces? He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds. Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening. Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…) Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows? A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too. If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him? It’s the gift that keeps giving. After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs? Memo from the cat: It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!! * We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

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Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.It’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids“

Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

To hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

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